I'm struggling in my marriage and looking for advice. Please be gentle with me I'm feeling quite low.
We've been married 12 years and have 2 young kids. One suspected autism and one not sure yet but definitely a handful.
I think I have ADHD and anxiety plus other issues and husband has anxiety, depression and probably Autism too although both undiagnosed and no plans to go down that route any time soon. I've done a bunch of research and tried to sort my life out so that I'm not overwhelmed by the chaos of my brain, or as anxious through therapy. I manage my diet to mitigate health issues. I work full time and so does he. Between work, home and kids life is very stressful and this year I've told my husband that he'd have to do more to help out with life as the mental load was mostly mine and any housework over and above the basics was always me. I also wanted him to work on his depression and anxiety as it was wearing me down.
He's tried to do more but it's slow progress.
He's also sometimes irrational and picky and controlling, he gets down when the weather isn't great and generally has very little zest for life these days which I understand but it's draining for me. He refuses to do therapy.
I try to be as positive as I can be but it's hard when he gets picky or down or can't cope with the noise of the kids and leaves things to me.
I think I've just finally hit a wall and have been very unhappy this year.
We did a few sessions of couples therapy this year but he went in reluctant then said it was a waste of time and money.
I used to take his low moods and irrational episodes and accept them when I shouldn't have.
I've suffered with low self worth for years but after some consistent therapy over the last two years I'm beginning to see that I deserve better.
Instead of supporting me when I'm struggling he just makes me feel like I'm abandoning him and not giving him affection like I used to.
I don't feel like being close to him when he's picky and disrespectful. He doesn't do many nice things for me and when I try and explain that I want change from him he gets dismissive and defensive. I feel like he minimises my feelings and makes it all about him and how he's now not getting what he needs from me.
He says he feels like I've changed into a different person and have just suddenly become meaner without giving him a chance to change but I've been telling him for a few years now that id like him to do some therapy and work on his issues. He buried his head in the sand and has become used to me just absorbing his dysfunction and doing everything.
Today he had another irrational episode which wasn't terrible but he made me feel bad for something completely out of my control and instead of brushing it under the carpet I stood up for myself.
I understandably didn't want to be close to him today as although he did apologize he was in a mood for the rest of the day and I don't want to come home to that. So he's spent most of the day making me feel like a terrible person and asking why I don't seem to love him anymore and why I'm treating him so badly.
I'm exhausted and we keep going round in circles not being able to see each others point of view.
I know I've become defensive and snappy but I'm just so resentful that he struggles and doesn't make any effort to change and be a good partner to me. He definitely does more now than he ever has but the emotional/picky/controlling stuff is so hard to stomach, and what tips me over the edge. When I say controlling it's not terrible but he definitely likes things to be done his way, I think it's an autism inflexibility thing but it doesn't make it ok.
I don't want to leave him but I'm just so miserable these days I don't know what else to do.