Considering divorce after years of my husband's financial scam losses

[KatherineD]

My husband is 80, I'm 73.
For the last 7 years he has been a victim of a financial scam. He has lost hundreds of thousands of pounds. This is his own money, it is a second marriage for both of us and our finances have always been separate though we both own our house in equal shares. I have only a teaching pension.
In the past he has been involved with a number of women though I have stayed with him through 25 years of marriage.
I'm at my wits end. Police have told him it's a scam, doctors says that he has capability to make his own decisions. The scam is the only focus of his life. He truly believes that one day he will recoup the money. He is miserable but determined. We have no shared life.
Worse, he has Parkinsons and I don't want to nurse him later in life - selfish but true.
I want to divorce him but he says he'll fight it.
I can't find a house to rent near friends where I can take my dog.
I just don't know what to do ...

That's a horribly sad situation to end up in, OP. Your marriage is all but over, I would want my money out of the house before he loses that as well.

You don't need his permission to divorce.

You can divorce and he can't fight it. It is so much easier than it used to be. He cannot condemn you to living with him as he sees fit when you have so much life to live. Muster all your strength and push forwards. You do not to wake up 10 years down the line, be 83 and nursing a 90 year old who clearly does not respect you.

He can’t fight the divorce ( if you’re in England or wales) you can just apply

however he’s possibly entitled to some of your pension. I think you should see a solicitor- and also make sure your dill is up to date

I have placed an alert on the house with The Land Registry.

Also it does not need to be an expensive process, I'm not sure how tech savvy you are but you can divorce online. Do you have any family or children who would help?

I’m sorry. What a terrible situation to be in. I’m afraid I can’t offer any advice but sympathy for the situation you are in. As you will know Parkinson’s can cause dementia so it is more than likely that it is affecting his judgment but that doesn’t help you if it’s not possible to intervene.

it must be very hard but all I can say is that you have to live your life the way you want and ultimately if you don’t want to spend your latter years with this man then you don’t have to. Realistically the rental market is pretty brutal. It can be really competitive so hard for anyone with a slightly more complex set up (eg a dog!) to find somewhere. Is it about affordability or just the dog? Any chance of word of mouth? I’ve never heard of this for renting but some friends of mine have leafleted the areas they like when looking to buy and this has paid off. You could consider doing this and asking about rentals?

sorry not to be more helpful but lots of sympathy!

Thank you so much for your support.

Just doing a bit of research I’ll come back to you but my first thought was you need support in this so speak to Age UK.

Thanks for your sympathy - it means a lot to me. I'm in a muddle - I've seen a solicitor so I know that the actual divorce is one thing, getting my share of the house will be another. I think that I'm afraid to just step away - I want to go but keep finding reasons to stay. I'd leave my dog but he says he'll get rid of her.
Thanks everyone fif listening.
I'll be better tomorrow xxx

Spoke into AI that pulled it together :

• You have been coping with this for years - exhaustion and sadness are understandable.
• You cannot force him to stop if he legally has mental capacity.
• Focus now on protecting yourself, your finances, and your future.
• Contact Age UK for advice on:
• later-life separation/divorce
• housing options
• support services near friends
• Parkinson’s caregiver support
• scams affecting older people
• Speak privately to a family solicitor about:
• divorce
• your share of the house
• protecting your pension and finances
• Stop trying to convince him with evidence — police and doctors already have.
• Set boundaries around money, stress, and emotional conflict.
• Wanting peace and not wanting to become a full-time carer does not make you a bad person.
• Try to build support around yourself now: friends, GP, counselling, local groups.
• Take one practical step at a time rather than solving everything at once.

change your user name too

Age UK could be a good place to go for the mental support.

This might not be the case but some Parkinson’s medication can also cause compulsive behaviours if this is something he hasn’t had before, it mught be worth looking into it.
Nevertheless, it must be really hard to live with him like this.

Thanks for your sympathy - it means a lot to me. I'm in a muddle - I've seen a solicitor so I know that the actual divorce is one thing, getting my share of the house will be another. I think that I'm afraid to just step away - I want to go but keep finding reasons to stay. I'd leave my dog but he says he'll get rid of her.
Thanks everyone for listening.
I WILL contact Age Uk tomorrow
xxx

This was my first thought too. There was s Radio 4 series on it recently.

That said, I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are in less of a muddle than you think and taking the right steps. It's hard and frustrating and upsetting, look after yourself and I hope you find good real life support.

If you are in England you should look at the new Renters Rights Act regarding keeping pets.

Look up The Cinnamon Trust who might be able to take the dog temporarily while you find a permanent home for you both. Otherwise ask your vet if they have any fosters who might help. Would a friend have the dog for a bit?

Speak to Citizens advice who might be able to point you to the relevant services, including benefits towards a rental while the matrimonial house is being sold. It will have to be sold or he can buy your share. If he refuses a judge can sign on his behalf but obviously that makes it an expensive way to go but the house CAN be sold without his agreement.

Start the divorce online, download Form E from the gov.uk website and start filling in the financials, you both need to do one each. It's a massive document but most of it will be not applicable so don't panic. Once you've filled it in go and speak to a solicitor. Part of the information needed will be the house value so get a couple of EA round to value it.

Remember, divorce is no fault now so you can divorce for any or no reason if you are in England or Wales and you don't need his consent. Scotland is different so I hope you don't live there.

Good luck OP

I thought the same. Thus is the series @KatherineD

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m002rdp3?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

Yes!! The Parkinson’s meds!!

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/ckg0xxwn041o

Just to say whether it's the meds or not, you are free to divorce him as you wish or need.

In the past he has been involved with a number of women though I have stayed with him through 25 years of marriage.

I’d leave for this reason alone.

End the relationship and take the dog with you.

To find a rental place, try local Facebook pages. If you are tenants in common in England, you may be able to sell your share of the house. Has this been checked?

I'm overwhelmed by everyone's kindness.
Lots of info here that I wasn't aware of though I do know about Parkinsons meds - husband's consultant said that as the scam started before the meds there wasn't a connexion but I think that the meds are getting in the way of clear thought for him.
Thanks everyone xxx

OP, this sounds so hard.

Firstly I think you need to do everything you can to protect your own security and it is good you have advice from a solicitor.

My worry is what you could lose in a divorce. If he has spent all his money and has less pension than you you could find that he is awarded half your savings and pension. Have you spoken with the solicitor about this?