Living Apart Together relationships.. how do they work and what do they look like for you ?

[kangsjrng]

It looks like I will be going down this road with my new person of a few months.

We’re approx 50 miles apart with busy full time jobs, solo parents to teens, family friends and hobbies etc. we love this arrangement as we see each other once per week normally for an overnight stay and a walk now and again through the week . We text, chat, voice note through the week. We’ve had two weekends away and are planning a few days together in summer.
Can I ask what it looks like for you and how did it does it progress. We are in our mid fifties, five years approx from retirement.
We’re new to this game and are enjoying it so who knows where it will go.
Im interested to hear how to navigate it, what works, what doesn’t and how to manage the inevitable disappointments that come despite and because of being apart from each other .

We did it for 3 years and it had massive positives, but to my own frustration I got to the point that I was missing dp so much that it hurt, and we moved in together. I’m quite sad that I couldn’t stick it out because the time to yourself is a definite loss.

I could not see myself moving in with a partner again but that said , who knows what will happen. Right now, I expect my children will be at home for another three years and the last one will be off to Uni . If I was in a relationship then, Instill couldn’t see myself cohabiting as it was so hard fought and hard won to find myself in a peaceful state following my divorce and the fall out for the kids.
Hos kids will also be gone in about two years and he has already mentioned the potential madness and loneliness of that as he lives the family unit as a construct and hopes to have that again.

*sadness not madness!!

We are both in our 70s. Got together about 15 years and have always lived separately

We meet a couple of times a week - usually coffee on a Wednesday and lunch on a Saturday. Plus we go to shows and gigs and meet friends. We go on holiday together for a fortnight's cruise. Probably the maximum time we could manage!

We live in the same town. Text occasionally and speak on the phone a couple of times. Tends not to be for too long as it leaves us lots to talk about when we meet. OH has a busy family life and I volunteer, meet friends etc

Works perfectly for us. A lot of our friends are quite jealous of it. It's like dating and you don't have the touch points that you do living in the same space. Neither of us want to live with anyone ever again.

We spend much more time together (live closer) but enjoy our own space too.

So for example, yesterday eve we went to the cinema after we'd had dinner seperately. Tonight we're both running a race, so I'll see him there, then he's going for dinner with old friends. I've been invited, but pefer to let him go without me and have a leisurely bath when I get in. He'll probably pop in for a cuppa on his way home.

We plan weekends together, but won't spend all the time together. He usually stays at mine at the weekend. We'll probably go out with friends Friday night, then parkrun Saturday morning. After that we'll often do our own thing before meeting up in the evening. On Sundays we often spend the day /morning together and then do somethong with our own families in the afternoon/evening.

We won't ever live together, mostly because I don't want to ever be picking up after a man again, but also our relative financial situations make that tricky without disadvantaging my DC.

I didn't expect to ever want more than a casual relationship, but this developed out of a friendship, and once it happened moved quite quickly

Surely after only a few months you are still just dating anyway?

Yes we are dating but it seems to be building well and as we have plans for next couple of months, this is Where we see it going so that’s why I posted …. I have no experience of this type of relationship.

I've been doing this for about 6 years. Logistics was a barrier initially as we both had DC and lived quite far apart. His DC are older now (22) but still at home. I still have a DC at home at school and the other at uni.
In short, we realised pretty early on that moving in wasnt an option. Kids have other parents and friends locally so neither set would want to move. I am also horribly peri menopausal so need a bed to myself on a regular basis for sleep!
On a practical level, it works really well. We see each other about 4 days in 14. Sometimes more and we holiday etc together. We have plenty of time for our own hobbies and friends and we have a shared calendar so we are able to see what each other is up to in advance etc.
Honestly I am not sure I can ever imagine moving in !!

I've been in a LAT for five years - his kids are adults, I have a young teen at home (who gets along very well with him). DP comes over to mine every weekend, and we spend holidays together. Works beautifully, would not want to live together and deal with all the domesticity and enmeshment, financial and otherwise. Very much enjoy my autonomy and space, and financial independence, and want to keep it that way. Also good for a relationship in my view to have space and plan the time we have together doing fun things.

I really like it but think DP would prefer to live together and maybe I will too eventually. But we've currently both got teens at home and, for my two, a safe haven with just me and them is really important. He's much wealthier than me so, financially, I'd be much better off but that's not what's important for me.

I see him a lot at work as we work for the same company although very different areas but we only spend one night a week together and then every other Friday & Saturday. It keeps thing so special and we always have lots to catch up on and make lovely plans.

I'd highly recommend - some of the stories of woe from my friends who live with husbands and partners and boyfriends make me very grateful for what i have!

We’ve been doing this for 6 years. Eow and 2-3 week night stays when child free. It’s good as it gives us a chance to miss each other. We both have dc ( mine teens) and his are tweens. I don’t want a blended family and living on top of each other. As my children are older I have more child free time anyway with one at uni and one staying at her dads at least 50% of the time. Men generally push for moving in together because they love the “
services” we can provide. I know it’s a bit cynical but it’s true .

I have been in a relationship like this for a couple of years. My youngest DC is only 11, and DP is 56. I think we will go on like this until DC leave home and then reflect. We do plan to live together eventually, but no rush because I do not want my kids to feel like I have brought anyone into our family home. They even joke they will keep the apartment and I will move out! Which is fine with me.

but… at least ten years away from that decision.

So currently we do one night a week and EOW.

I've been with DP almost 4 years and we still live apart (im late 30's, he just turned 40) He has no children, but I have 1 teen currently sitting GCSE's, I don't want to move until she has finished her schooling. DP works in London, he could not do his job anywhere else so being able to commute is important. the commute from mine would be 5 hours a day, which is too much. We also both own our houses so would have to sell both to buy together, which will be long winded and stressful.
He spends almost every weekend at my house, and I spend one night a week at his. (about an hours drive between us). I miss him, two homes are expensive, but the pro's are we have our own space and it works with the teen and his work.
When we live together I will have to move to where he is (a bit sad about that as my area is nicer) that will not be possible until the teen is independently mobile (at least a year).

i think the sticking point is him already mentioning about the sadness of being alone when his kids leave and wanting a “family unit”. I think his words suggest he wants to share a house eventually imo

To me what you’re describing is more of a medium/long distance relationship. My idea of the ideal living apart together set up involves living in the same place so that we can have time together when we want but still have our own space (this is our future plan as we both want our dc to be able to keep living with us as long as they need to)

I am in that kind of relationship right now and it looks like probably for the next 4 years at least until my youngest goes to university.

I do miss him because we get on so well it would be lovely to be around each other all the time I think. But maybe we would get more irritated with each other I don't know because we've never tried it.

The relationship at the moment is lovely we see each other once or twice in the week go to Gigs the theatre the cinema out for meals etc and then we spend every weekend together. Every so often will go for a long weekend together maybe abroad or away in this country but we haven't managed a full week because my youngest is only 14 at the moment and I have no assistance from my ex-husband who has left the country.

DH and I have been together for 9 years and married for 6 as I am typing we are packing his things as he is moving in with me and then we are buying a house jointly.

When we met my dc were young teens and I was adamant I didn’t want us to cohabit, he was fully onboard too. We married as we wanted to show we were fully committed despite living apart.

I moved 6 years ago to be near him in a beautiful part of the county but still maintained my own house. Both my DC havr left home and it just feels the right time. We thought for many years we wouldn’t move in together but I am a bit sick of us not seeing each other for days on end. It has worked amazingly well for us but both need to be onboard.

I think a big mistake people make is thinking things will be different when the child goes to uni. Their summer holidays are 4 months long and they still need a base. I am guilty of thinking of this in the past.

I'm not sure I agree with this - we live in the same place/town, it's not distance that means we live apart..

What you're describing is how many couples who live together spend their time.. it certainly reflects my parents who adored each other up until their deaths. They shared a bed and a bathroom and a wardrobe - they definitely didn't live apart!

Haven’t you posted about this before?

You're in a relationship but not living together.

My partner and I live apart, due to practical circumstances. It’s got advantages (no day to day irritations) but we miss each other. We do talk a lot in the phone though.

@SanFranBear no sorry I wasn’t clear. By living in the same “place” I meant same town/village/area but having own houses. Rather than 50 miles apart like the OP.

Yes exactly, I agree: and these days it seems more than ever not to be a given that they fly the nest at 18 or in their 20s even.

my DPs parents separated just before he went to uni. By Christmas he had no bedroom as his mum had sold the house and moved in with her boyfriend and his dad and moved his girlfriend and kids in. Dp had to sleep on his dads living room floor.