How do I handle a friendship stuck in a painful cycle?

[Funeralcouture]

Has anybody ever been loved bombed by a friend? Then future faked? Is that something that happens in friendships?

I have had a great friend since childhood, lived together for several years, went to the same uni, and been on holiday together several times - large backpacking adventures. I would say that we knew each other incredibly well. A fantastic, mutually supportive, solid relationship that we both treasured

When we hit our 40s, she had an affair and got caught. She made the following massive fallout her entire personality. It's all she's interested in talking about; it's all she's interested in bringing the conversation back to - And while initially everybody was moderately supportive, it was 10 years ago now.

She will get sad and lonely. She will start messaging me very much in the tone of our previous friendship, saying all the right things, to invoke the nostalgia of all the interesting and fun things we used to get up to, talking about mutual interests to draw me back in. She'll get excited, really work hard to reconnect over a couple of days, then invariably talk about meeting up, and will agree on a time or date.

BOOM, as soon as the date and time are settled, it's like she's got me hooked, and at that point, she will find a way to move the subject to a rehash of her greatest hits about her affair and all that drama. I, having seen flashes of our old fabulous friendship, hang on in the hope that we can steer back to the footing of our former relationship.

Invariably, she doesn't turn up on the day, and only lets me know after I've arrived, there is some entirely plausible/drama/excuse/issue that meant she couldn't be there.

Then she will ghost me for a while, then she will get sad and lonely, and the cycle starts again.

Today I got a message that said, 'Remember when we did that trip to XYZ and how hilarious it was when we met those guys on the farm and ended up at that festival in town'

Anybody got any suggestions or insight on how to break this cycle of behaviour, while not causing any hurt or upset? I don't want to play this time - but I also don't want to hurt her - she was a good friend once, and that person is still in there somewhere.

You gotta just phase her out of your life. Obviously the trauma she went through is still her main preoccupation which is sad. She needs to talk to a professional not her friends who have no patience for her broken record of woe.
So the usual: take longer to reply, be too ‘busy’ to meet up. Let the friendship fade out. Or you could have it out with her, like stage an intervention. Sit her down and tell her straight that you love her and do value the friendship but she needs to either stop ruminating about something that happened ten years ago or she will lose whatever friends she has left. That she needs to talk to a counsellor to get over it and move on. This is very hard to do and takes a thick skin. And may cost you the friendship (which is not a bad thing if she won’t change), but may be the best thing for her if she’s just not getting how she is affecting everyone.

I’d say I don’t like being ghosted and stood up and also the talk about a relationship 10 years ago. If she still continues with this then you’re within your rights to block/ghost her.

Only you can stop this happening to you.

Stop feeding into her drama. She is not a friend. Stop responding to her.

And now she's losing her friends. Karma!

If she's a long-standing great friend, and you want to preserve the friendship, could you share with her a version of what you've written here? I think I'd want a friend to be honest with me about aspects of my behaviour that were making the relationship difficult.
If she's not receptive to that, I guess you phase things out a bit - try to resist making arrangements to see her.

I've banned talking politics with a friend. It took a while but we are nearly there and visits are much better.
Banning discussion of the affair and fall out might work, and help her to change her life.

Its not Karma and OP is losing something too, so this tone of triumph is rather unpleasant.

OP, having just got off a three hour phone call with an old friend of 440 years I think you might make one last push to signal to her that she needs help.

I would just call her on the pretext of arranging a get together and be blunt.

”We used to be great friends but over the ladt ten years you have let your life and personality be taken over by your affair snd its fallout. Its a complete waste of your time and though you don’t seem to be aware it is destroying your friendships. You have become unrecognizable as my friend. Pull yourself together, get therapy, and move on. Start living again as that adventurous, caring, fun friend I once knew. I would love to recconect with her one day. Until then please don’t plsy these self obsessed games with me. I won’t play.”

I will leave the typo! 40 years, obvs!

agree with pretty much everybody.

tell her the truth, but however sensitively you manage to do this, it's likely it will end your friendship.

so you need to be prepared for this.

it's fairer to her than just letting things drift to nothing

The thing is, she has a good friend in you, she’s having you turn up to places and then bloody leaves you on your own with it.
That is enough to say - I’m done.
Life and time you have are both previous and for some reason she’s feeding you lines hooking you in and then ghosting you.
If you posted this about a man you would hear red flags, that’s abusive, LTB.
I know sometimes people say phase someone out but after how she’s treated you I’d tell her straight.
It’s an age thing with me. Post-menopause, I don’t fanny around.
This woman was a friend, you have some nice memories.
2026? She doesn’t give a shit about you, what’s happening with you, or your time.
I would have no qualms about walking away and telling her why.

Thank you everyone, my head agrees! I think it's my heart that wobbles a bit, and i think it's because of the first week, two weeks, or so of each cycle.

She comes back to herself, she's fun, interesting, she reminds me what a great friend she is, we talk about everything, we laugh, we make plans - I am like, " This is it! This is awesome. She's finally pulled herself back; she's rediscovered her pizzazz. I get swept back up in our long, long friendship, and it's like a big hug.

Sigh.

Another friend of mine keeps saying that she's like one of those guys who only texts you when they want to flirt. They will be on their best behaviour and will shower you with attention for a little while, say everything you want to hear - but after about two weeks can't help themselves but revert to their baseline normal behaviour - I am beginning to think that she is right

'She comes back to herself, she's fun, interesting, she reminds me what a great friend she is, we talk about everything, we laugh, we make plans - I am like, " This is it! This is awesome. She's finally pulled herself back; she's rediscovered her pizzazz. I get swept back up in our long, long friendship, and it's like a big hug.'

I would say a version of this to her, adding that she then repeatedly lets you down by bailing out on the day, and using you as a sounding board for stuff that happened 10 years ago. She may not realise how stuck she is in this miserable cycle. As others said, it may be the end of your friendship, but you can't continue as things are, and you don't want to either. So it's hard either way, but choose the version of hard that you can best live with. She's absolutely taking the piss out of you, whether consciously or not

I agree she sounds stuck. I think I'd want to give it another chance for meeting up in person but obviously this cycle of fun texting reverting to affair woe-is-me isnt working. Would you consider outright telling her? "Friend, I've been really enjoying when you get in touch and reminisce but have noticed this pattern whereby xyz keeps happening? Is everything ok? I'm.not sure that I'm the person to go back over the affair time again with though, have you ever spoken to a counsellor or similar about that as you maybe need some extra support? Would love to meet up - why don't we go for lunch tomorrow? ". Keep it a short amount of time until the meet up so she is less likely to get caught up in the downward spiral and bail.

Why are you being so careful not to hurt her when she's hurting you? And don't you think she would be less hurt by you explaining your position than by you phasing her out? And ultimately, she is harming herself by hanging on to pain and suffering which happened 10 years ago. It's been a decade - life is not a dress rehearsal; she needs to move on and not waste any more time on this. She may need professional help with that but you can't do it for her.

I was the flaky friend. I went through a few years of being appallingly flaky to one of my oldest and dearest friends. And yes, there was always an explanation, but it simply wasn't okay. I look back over 20 years later and just feel so incredibly grateful, blessed and lucky that my friend chose to talk to me about it rather than phase me out. She handled that talk so well. It came from a place of love and affection. She framed it that perhaps I thought she didn't really care whether or not she saw me but that she treasured our friendship and was really disappointed when I didn't turn up for things I'd committed to. As I say - decades on, I still feel incredibly lucky that she did that and we remain very close. If your friendship is as strong as it should be given all you have shared, then it should be able to survive a tricky conversation. If it can't survive a tricky conversation, then it's not the friendship you take it to be.

She says: 'Remember when we did that trip to XYZ and how hilarious it was when we met those guys on the farm and ended up at that festival in town'

Reply with: "No, not really. I'd forgotten all about it, to be honest. It was rather a long time ago (smiley face)".

So, I have had her on mute all day. not to be petty, but because work is bonkers and after a whole load of messages, memes and one-sided chat - she's suggested a meet-up on Friday already.

I agreed (it's an event I was going to anyway, but she doesn't know that). She thanked me for confirming my availability & she's going to sort hers out and get back to me.

I am taking bets on if I hear from her before the day - if she stands me up or I don't hear from her before the day, that's me out. It's not salvageable at that point, and I will send her a 'it's not be its you' message and call it quits.

@Funeralcouture - clearly it's up to you but you said you didn't want to hurt her. Do you think she will be less hurt by you just cutting her out of your life without giving her the chance to up her game than by you trying to talk this out with her? You're very fed up - and with profound justification - but your initial post suggested you wanted to break the cycle, not break the friendship. Is it really not worth a discussion?

Sorry I wasn't clear - the ' it's not me, it's you' message' would detail the issues. So I wouldn't be walking away with no explanation.

infuriating. She should not suggest a date without being sure she can make it herself. I would stop trying to meet up, its not worth the hassle. Carry on texting if you enjoy it.

Why has she suggested Friday and she may not be free? If she then said she will get back to you I would have instantly said sorry I need to know for sure now as you just suggested Friday. Then say what day are you actually free?

It might seem harsh, but I think I'd message back telling her - no, I'm not doing this again. Contact me when you're in a better place - or something along those lines.

How could this even become a cycle in the first place? You should've told her to do one after the first or second time she stood you up. Tell this manipulative, using midden to f#ck off and leave you alone.

If you have the dates of the previous agreed meet-ups where she blew you off and can remember why she cancelled, make a list. Then, at the appropriate point in the cycle, where she suggests a meet-up, send her the list.

" Look, Jenny, it's like this. I'd love to see you again but:

Oct 2023, coffee in Town agreed. You cancelled the day before because <xxx>
July 2024, lunch at Browns agreed. You cancelled at short notice because <xxx>
etc
etc
"
Then ask her what's going on that you never actually make it to the get-together? Take it from there.

And if she starts on about him-from-back-then, be blunt about that being old history and not being interested in it. Again, see what her reaction is and take it from there.

Morning

So her message after I could go was

Great! That sounds awesome. I'd better check my diary - I just happen to have a few appointments, but yes, getting together would be absolutely lovely and I will be in touch as soon as possible.

Still not heard a thing - and it's on Friday

Just clarify something, every time she doesn't turn up, it's a very plausible issue and one you'd have trouble calling her out on - for example, she ended up having to take her mum to A&E, the consultant moved an appointment that she's been waiting for months at extremely short notice, Family drama, injuries, vehicle issues and so on....

Of course, if this were repeated without an actual meet-up, then it would have stopped ages ago, but there is just enough of a scattering of her turning up, it kind of resets the clock again.

It's just making me tired, already tired, and while we should stand by our friends while they are having issues, there is a certain point I think where you have to draw a line and say everything that made this friendship what it was has now left the room.