How do I handle a friendship stuck in a painful cycle?

[Funeralcouture]

Has anybody ever been loved bombed by a friend? Then future faked? Is that something that happens in friendships?

I have had a great friend since childhood, lived together for several years, went to the same uni, and been on holiday together several times - large backpacking adventures. I would say that we knew each other incredibly well. A fantastic, mutually supportive, solid relationship that we both treasured

When we hit our 40s, she had an affair and got caught. She made the following massive fallout her entire personality. It's all she's interested in talking about; it's all she's interested in bringing the conversation back to - And while initially everybody was moderately supportive, it was 10 years ago now.

She will get sad and lonely. She will start messaging me very much in the tone of our previous friendship, saying all the right things, to invoke the nostalgia of all the interesting and fun things we used to get up to, talking about mutual interests to draw me back in. She'll get excited, really work hard to reconnect over a couple of days, then invariably talk about meeting up, and will agree on a time or date.

BOOM, as soon as the date and time are settled, it's like she's got me hooked, and at that point, she will find a way to move the subject to a rehash of her greatest hits about her affair and all that drama. I, having seen flashes of our old fabulous friendship, hang on in the hope that we can steer back to the footing of our former relationship.

Invariably, she doesn't turn up on the day, and only lets me know after I've arrived, there is some entirely plausible/drama/excuse/issue that meant she couldn't be there.

Then she will ghost me for a while, then she will get sad and lonely, and the cycle starts again.

Today I got a message that said, 'Remember when we did that trip to XYZ and how hilarious it was when we met those guys on the farm and ended up at that festival in town'

Anybody got any suggestions or insight on how to break this cycle of behaviour, while not causing any hurt or upset? I don't want to play this time - but I also don't want to hurt her - she was a good friend once, and that person is still in there somewhere.

I had a friend who did this and after several "cycles" I was fed up of being left disappointed, let down and sad. So I stopped responding, let things drift and now we've not been in touch for years. Sad as it is I don't miss being let down.

But why not detail them without walking away, and giving her a chance to reflect and potentially change?

There’s absolutely no point in ditching her and telling her what she’s done wrong as you’re slamming the door on your way out!

I have a lovely friend who sort of “resets” the clock on the relationship every year by texting cheerily “I was passing near your house! We must get together soon! (Important piece of family news that extracts sympathy)” I text her back sympathetically and offer to get together snd she just wanders off from the conversation without setting a meeting. Happens without fail. But I don’t have to cut her off. I just don’t engage any more in longing for her.

A genuine friend doesn’t not turn up or ghost you.

The bottom line is she just doesn’t regard you as highly as you regard her. She may have done once but she clearly doesn’t anymore. It happens, life changes people sadly sometimes in bad ways.

She can’t quite let go of you, so do it for her.

If a “friendship” is making you tired, then it’s probably not a friendship. I would just let it fade, don’t bother with a big pronouncement or letting her know what she has done. She already knows.

So, as expected, she didn't come back to me before the day. The morning of, she messaged me to say she had a blood test that she had to go to and a problem with payroll messing up her pay, which she needed to sort out urgently.

So, plus side - she didn't stand me up after I arrived, for a change. (but i would have been dressed and ready to go - in this case, I was going to the event anyway)

I got some sad news later that day and then went down with a whopping cold, so I haven't had the emotional bandwidth to deal. Especially when I just glanced at the messages, and she sent a few chirpy texts, a meme and a video of her dog, then got super upset later in the day because the ex posted photos on FB looking like he was having an awesome time abroad with his GF.

I am back at work today (WFH) - but running at a 30% due to this cold and chunk of my team are off - so I'll think about what I need to say later this week as I don't have a spare fuck to give right now.

She clearly gives zero effs about how she treats you, hence the stupid messages after then using you as a sound board.

She doesn't sound like a friend to me, I'd drop her like a hot brick. Sounds selfish as shit.

She must be getting something out of this behaviour, so she's likely to continue doing it.
You're understandably not getting anything positive from it, and so it might be time to either quietly mute her, or be unavailable every time she suggests meeting up.

OK harsh truth time

You are the one allowing the cycle to continue and if you don’t step back or cut her out of your life then you’ll be here in a years time, moaning about the same thing.

Why do I know that? Because I was in your position not long ago. You clearly care about your friend a lot but it’s making you resentful and the friendship is no longer fun. Being assertive and honest isn’t mean and if your friend takes it that way then she’s not a good friend.

Take time to go back to her messages, stop letting her upset you and let you down last minuite. For me I found that if my friend wanted to rant about her issues she’d meet me, if she wasn’t interested in talking about it that day she’d cancel on me last minuite. I’m not an unpaid therapist anymore, and it’s free-ing

I’m sorry about your sad news and hope your cold gets better soon. This latest installment would piss me off, to have more excuses and then send messages like she hasn’t just let you down, and some rubbish about the ex on Facebook. She could’ve booked the blood test on a different day and done the payroll thing in the morning if she wanted to. I’d be done with her because I’m not getting anything from this friendship. Some people just want a one-sided pen pal

@Funeralcouture how are getting on op? Did you confront your friend?

Your thread really resonated with me, it reads like a trauma bond to me and I've been there. Hope you're doing great x

Sorry for the late update - typically after speaking to a mutual friend, she turned up randomly on a day out (it was a festival event, not a lunch or anything like that)

Oh, that posted while I was still typing

We had a wonderful day out - it was fun, we talked about loads, and we sat in the sun, read books (it was a bookish event) had a right old laugh. it was brilliant.

Not a peep since.

See what happens if you contact her. Send a text invite her for a coffee?

She’s not your friend. She uses you when she feels like it. Don’t worry about upsetting her. She gives no thought to your feelings. Block her on everything.

Just see her as someone you "know and see around town and enjoy chatting to when you do". Not a 1-1 friend.

Treasure the memories of fun times but it sounds like she's stuck in a mental rut and you don't want her dragging you down.

It sounds like she's aging badly and will continue to do so.

NOT in terms of wrinkles or external success but in not emotionally maturing or being happy with the older woman she is, and being stuck in the past.

She was thriving in her 20s and 30s but the whole "Sex and the City" lifestyle with man-obsessed behaviour gets wearisome and intense.

It's not being single or married or dating that's the issue, it's making it her whole personality.

Wonder if she's on the dating apps and is obsessively chatting to and meeting new men, which is why her schedule is so full and chaotic? Or even if she's currently seeing a married man?

I've known people who get addicted to dating attention, it genuinely takes over their life.

Especially with the apps, if she's got a naturally intense personality she could find and obsess over new men every week.

She asks you to be on social standby "in case" her current obsession lets her down. Her head is full of "Mike, 42" at any one time, not you.

Don't message her 1-1. Block her or "read and don't reply" or just send a smiley face. She may start trying to get at you through bringing up more fake plans.

Stay strong and find some nice self-care stuff to do for yourself.

It sounds like you enjoy her company on an ad-hoc basis if you bump into each other. There is no reason to stop doing that!