How do I handle a friendship stuck in a painful cycle?

[Funeralcouture]

Has anybody ever been loved bombed by a friend? Then future faked? Is that something that happens in friendships?

I have had a great friend since childhood, lived together for several years, went to the same uni, and been on holiday together several times - large backpacking adventures. I would say that we knew each other incredibly well. A fantastic, mutually supportive, solid relationship that we both treasured

When we hit our 40s, she had an affair and got caught. She made the following massive fallout her entire personality. It's all she's interested in talking about; it's all she's interested in bringing the conversation back to - And while initially everybody was moderately supportive, it was 10 years ago now.

She will get sad and lonely. She will start messaging me very much in the tone of our previous friendship, saying all the right things, to invoke the nostalgia of all the interesting and fun things we used to get up to, talking about mutual interests to draw me back in. She'll get excited, really work hard to reconnect over a couple of days, then invariably talk about meeting up, and will agree on a time or date.

BOOM, as soon as the date and time are settled, it's like she's got me hooked, and at that point, she will find a way to move the subject to a rehash of her greatest hits about her affair and all that drama. I, having seen flashes of our old fabulous friendship, hang on in the hope that we can steer back to the footing of our former relationship.

Invariably, she doesn't turn up on the day, and only lets me know after I've arrived, there is some entirely plausible/drama/excuse/issue that meant she couldn't be there.

Then she will ghost me for a while, then she will get sad and lonely, and the cycle starts again.

Today I got a message that said, 'Remember when we did that trip to XYZ and how hilarious it was when we met those guys on the farm and ended up at that festival in town'

Anybody got any suggestions or insight on how to break this cycle of behaviour, while not causing any hurt or upset? I don't want to play this time - but I also don't want to hurt her - she was a good friend once, and that person is still in there somewhere.

I had a friend who did this and after several "cycles" I was fed up of being left disappointed, let down and sad. So I stopped responding, let things drift and now we've not been in touch for years. Sad as it is I don't miss being let down.

But why not detail them without walking away, and giving her a chance to reflect and potentially change?

There’s absolutely no point in ditching her and telling her what she’s done wrong as you’re slamming the door on your way out!

I have a lovely friend who sort of “resets” the clock on the relationship every year by texting cheerily “I was passing near your house! We must get together soon! (Important piece of family news that extracts sympathy)” I text her back sympathetically and offer to get together snd she just wanders off from the conversation without setting a meeting. Happens without fail. But I don’t have to cut her off. I just don’t engage any more in longing for her.

A genuine friend doesn’t not turn up or ghost you.

The bottom line is she just doesn’t regard you as highly as you regard her. She may have done once but she clearly doesn’t anymore. It happens, life changes people sadly sometimes in bad ways.

She can’t quite let go of you, so do it for her.

If a “friendship” is making you tired, then it’s probably not a friendship. I would just let it fade, don’t bother with a big pronouncement or letting her know what she has done. She already knows.