How can I rebuild trust after pornography damaged our relationship?

[YourLoyalCrow]

Im trying too save a relationship that I've screwed up by watching porn. I really really love this woman and I've lost her trust. How can I save the relationship

It's not a daily habit and I will be open with my phone,

Exactly what this poster has said.

The way the OP is being deliberately vague about the details .. anyone else getting seriously creepy vibes?

How legal were the images?

Holy assumptions!

Can you not see that wanking regularly over somebody else and really loving your partner cannot coexist. So which is it?

Jesus I already said what my choice is I
Juan want to fix this

If your partner didn’t previously express her discomfort with porn, she can’t reasonably judge you watching it. You can apologise and explain that you weren’t aware she felt so strongly against it but ultimately it’s up to her if she will trust you again or if the relationship continues.

Now that she’s disclosed her discomfort, it’s up to you if you want to try to rebuild what has been lost by avoiding porn or not if you view porn as more important than her.

Juan wants to fix this but you don't?

Your choice NOW, now she knows, is that you apparently are choosing her. But your choices then don’t reflect that and she knows this. So why did you do it? And what has changed in that regard between now and then except her finding out? I suspect if she didn’t find out you’d want to keep doing it yes?

I think @YourLoyalCrow you need to rethink your attitude to porn. Many, many women don't like it and will end relationships due to it.

Going forward, I think you need to consider why women feel this way.

1. Many of the women in porn are victims of people trafficking.
2. Many of them are addicts, only doing it to fund their addiction.
3. Women in porn are often financially desperate.
4. Porn isn't a reflection of real life sex.
5. Porn makes men see women as objects to be fucked. NOT as people.
6. Porn eventually desensitises men to real sex, making sex with a partner hard.
7. Porn has led to a rise in violent sex (choking).

If you want a relationship with a real woman, you need to do work on yourself in relation to this issue.

Hello op I've counselled many porn addicts over the years.
If you are serious about building trust back you must now accept you're in the one down position. Any requests from your partner (Within reason obviously) its a good idea to do them whole heartedly. Truple is a app for your phone so if she wants to it will monitor your phone and she can see or you could have an accountability partner (12 step or chris jones therapy can point you in the right direction)
I'd highly recommend Chris jones therapy. You will want to start some shame Resilience work ASAP.
If your choice of place was say the bathroom now you only leave your phone elsewhere and leave the door open at all times. Privacy(secrecy) is not a luxury you can have currently.

I'd limit all screens for now and devote your time to recovery. If this seems to much for you then you're not ready and I'd advise separating so your partner can find peace.

Trust is thrown out in bucketfuls and earnt back in tiny microscopic droplets. It will take time and consistency.

Resources for you and your partner if she wishes
Pbse podcast
Helping couples heal podcast
Choose to be podcast
Omar minwhalla secret sexual basement

Your going to have to start getting used to being completely transparent about every moment of your day and learning to re assure your partner.

I have seen many couples successfully reunite and have a relationship that is better than ever. It can be done but it takes hard work and consistency from your part. You partner is obviously free to leave you at any point. In true recovery you do the work regardless of that point it is not a means to a end it is a new way of life for you.

That would be controlling and abusive behaviour. Everyone is entitled to some privacy. I don't think the relationship is salvageable or healthy for either of them.

OP you need to accept that this is now in your partner's hands. She is the one who will decide whether she wants and can trust you again and whether she wants to stay in this relationship.

There is no magical step that you can take to ''fix this''.

You have already told her that you won't use porn again and you understand why she is upset.

There is not much more you can do than respect your partner from now on and accept whatever decision she makes about staying with you or not.

If your porn use was/is an addiction then there are charity and counsellors that can support you as well.

How long have you been together? Any children?
Why did she feel the need to check your history?

I’ve divorced DH who was (amd perhaps still is, not my problem now) porn addict. We went through a period of him trying to address it but it never got any better. Other issues too.

I’d say, work on kicking the addiction and let this relationship take its natural course. Do it for yourself not because you love her and want to stay together (what happens when you have issues in say 5 years time, will you seek refuge in fantasy world again?).

It would be nosey <not abusive surely if he wants to reassure her and consents?>but the op was asking how to regain trust and allowing free access to his tech for the time being is the only way or else she'll wonder what he's looking it.

It isn't ideal. Many relationship problems aren't though tbf.

Time without porn is the only thing that will rebuild trust.

Quit all on-line connections to it and call it rubbish in your own belief system. WANT to never set eyes on another porn clip again.

You can't unsee what you have seen.
That will always threaten her feelings of security and her self esteem and feelings of beauty in your eyes..
She will never respect your decision to use an industry that exploits women.

So you just have to put in the time, happily, voluntarily and see what happens over the years.
Listen to her needs.
Agree to be open books to each other. Phones are not secret. Screens are not private.
Like the old days when your phone was on the living room wall and your mail was open on the kitchen table. If you want trust and a long term relationship you need to practise trust, happily and without being forced.
Then your behaviour starts to match what you are happy to have exposed to others.
It is not hard to behave with honour if you believe doing so loses nothing and results in the best life.

It honestly is no sacrifice.
If you feel it is a sacrifice then you are not truly repenting of past deeds nor genuine in your commitment in a different future.

People may disagree, but watching porn is a silent killer of yourself and relationships.
Similar to this story:
When Eskimos had a problem with a wolf, they would get a knife, dip it in blood, and then freeze it. They repeated this process several times until it was layered in frozen blood, resembling a popsicle. Then they would bury it with only the blade sticking up. When a wolf came along, he would lick the blood off the blade until he was eventually licking the blade itself. His desire for blood is so strong that he continues licking the blade, not even realizing that it is his own blood he is tasting. Eventually, he would bleed out and die right there in the snow.
Isn't that kind of similar to how Satan operates with so many people? He leads us to seek and lust after our own desires, not realizing that we are destroying our relationships with our spouses, our children, our parents, and most importantly, with God. It’s time to open your eyes. What are you doing?! Look around; don’t destroy yourself.
“Keep your eyes open and your mind clear, because your enemy, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” (1 Peter 5:8)

That's a bit extreme.

We all have different opinions regarding adult content. The issue is each individual relationship's boundaries. If the op's dp had made it clear it was deal breaker he should've respected that or ended it.

As she found out he has to decide what is more important, wanking to porn or a loving trusting relationship. If it's the latter the way to regain trust is not to hide anything.

You have absolutely no idea what my views on porn are so your dismissive, casually misogynist post is certainly not 'point proven' 😂

You're a woman? If you say so. 🙄

If she hadn't left you, would you have carried on watching it?

If you think that she assumes the answer is yes, that's why you can't rebuild trust.

So often, people don't stop doing something they know that hurts the other person until it personally affects them in some way and has direct consequences. When they show an interest in rebuilding things, what they actually want is to get the person back and benefit from their company again. There's usually a flurry of regret about what happened, and then they return to their old selves again, once they think everything has simmered down.

Not all women have an issue with porn, and many men watch it, but I still don't think it should be a given that women need to know telepathically that their partner watches porn, especially if it's regular, and especially if it's something like OnlyFnas or salivating at women on Instagram.

If you want to get married one day, I urge you to think about what the phrase 'forsaking all others means'.

Many men don't. For them, monogamy is not sticking their penis in another woman, but interacting with other women sexually or giving them their sexual attention is totally fine.

Just food for thought.

Being cynical she has kicked you into touch and you realise you are on your ownsome, no one to cook and clean for you or if you do not live together someone to pander to you
Words are cheap no use you just saying you will stop using porn

It's really difficult to build trust again, speaking from experience. I found out a few months ago, my husband had a porn addiction. We have been married a long time and it has changed the way I view him. I find it very unattractive for all the reasons others have said above. It speaks volumes to me about how he sees sex and his views on women. I am considering my future and possible divorce.

I suppose all depends on how your relationship is otherwise and if this is the only thing your partner has trouble with about you. In my case, it was just one of the things I found out about regarding my husband. We married yonks ago, before the Internet and I did not think to have a conversation with him around my feelings about porn and the boundaries we wanted in our relationship

I would suggest getting a good understanding of how others, especially women, may view porn, a previous poster has given you some good recommendations to look at. This may help you get a better understanding of your partners feelings

Counselling would be the next step, but that is if she also wants to repair your relationship

Porn is a symptom of a bigger problem, and that problem is misogyny. Work on that if you ever want to have a healthy relationship with a woman.

Porn is a symptom of a bigger problem, and that problem is misogyny. Work on that if you ever want to have a healthy relationship with a woman.

Also, pornography didn't 'damage your relationship'. You did. By watching porn. You need to take responsibility for your own behaviour. You chose to watch porn, you didn't randomly fall vicitm to it.