Leave the nice guy or continue in a state of anxiety?

[Rejected12]

This is a difficult one so please bear with me.
Been with my boyfriend for over 3 years and we were also together briefly when we were young so in theory we knew what we were getting into. When we first got back together I was over the moon, but some problems were already evident. I had some doubts about how he felt about me and often felt 'rejected' by him somehow. I have a thread about this from a year or two ago.

Now, I'm stuck in a relationship where we seem to care about each other, but maybe not enough. He is either avoidant and can't help it or just cares for me as a friend and doesn't feel any more. For various reasons we are looking to buy an apartment together although, in an ideal world, we would not be forced to do it at this stage as our relationship is not strong enough. If I don't buy with him, he will buy by himself a place not big enough for me to move into later so our chance will be missed. (We don't live in the UK but in a place where if you buy it's for 10 years minimum).

I don't feel close enough to him. We don't spend enough time being physically close. It feels strange to be complaining about that when I'm someone who was never much into sex and I'm not good at it, but I really feel the need for more consistent skin-to-skin contact than the odd hug can give and I don't get it because of a combination of time constraints (childcare mainly) and just one of us not being in the mood. Obviously, I've spoken to him about it and I accept that it's partly my fault, but now I'm at the situation of potentially leaving someone I love or carrying on with a relationship that's causing me a lot of anxiety and being locked into it financially.

Honest question: what do you get out of this 'relationship'?

You sound so twisted up in knots, I am so sorry.

It doesn’t sound as if your relationship is stable enough to buy a home together, especially if this ties you in for 10 years.
But I know how difficult it is to make the decision to leave.

I wanted to move in with my ex and blend our families. We’d got together years ago and it didn’t work, but when we tried again he did seem a lot better to start with. But he future faked and strung me along for far too long. Looking back now it would never have worked as he was like your partner. Never awful but not a fan of commitment or putting any effort in. I’m glad I left when I did. Blending families would have been fairly easy but living with him would have been a nightmare.

If someone isn’t fully choosing you, the best decision is to leave.

What I get is that we get along very well. He's a nice person, interesting to talk to and I fancy him. The only thing missing is strong physical interest on his side, but I also know I'm partly to blame for that and it takes two to tango.

Don't settle.

@Rejected12you do need to stand back and take a long hard look at this.
How can you possibly make a 10 year commitment when you have so much doubt and worry?
Let him get his small place by himself. Focus on yourself and your children.

"It doesn’t sound as if your relationship is stable enough to buy a home together, especially if this ties you in for 10 years."

Yes, I know and in an ideal world we'd rent together first, but our circumstances don't allow for that.

"But I know how difficult it is to make the decision to leave."

And just very sad.

[Poster's ex] "Never awful but not a fan of commitment or putting any effort in."

With the buying thing, mine is obviously making a commitment now, but I guess there's still something missing.

In what country do you have to own a home for 10 years before you can sell it (misses point of thread) ?

I don't have children.
I don't want to be just dating indefinitely. If we can't move in together, to me it means no future and I think it's finished.

One that charges you tens of thousands in tax to buy a home to avoid speculation.
It's not illegal to move before then, just quite complicated and expensive.

Aren't you worth more than this one sided half arsed friendship?

Leave and find someone who gives you what you deserve

@Rejected12 Is it really commitment though? It sounds more like an ultimatum if he’s going to buy somewhere too small for you both on his own. If he’s saying that he’s telling you that you’re an option.

I've been alone most of my life.
My choices are being with him or being alone.

And who's to say what I deserve. There's no reason to think I deserve to be with a person who does exactly what I want. Maybe compromise is the way to go?

He's an option for me too though. There's no inevitability about us being together.

You think that if you're not with this man, you'll be alone and therefore it's worth having a relationship which lacks reciprocal love, so that youre not alone?

A relationships that's flawed and imperfect, maybe yes. I don't think everyone has a soulmate or the grand amour.

I don't know if we lack reciprocal love, I just know he doesn't give me as much attention as I need. I don't know if that's because he doesn't fancy me or love me or because he's avoidant and has trouble getting close to me.

Its not about compromise or being with someone who does exactly what you want - its about only being with someone if they are worth all the challenges of being part of a unit. Being in relationships involves work, loss of autonomy, loss of independence, and living with another person's moods/habits/snoring/farts!! Only only worth it IF and only if the relationship brings you joy and fulfills you. Being with someone just because they are nice, and because otherwise you'd be alone? Nah, I'd get a labrador, honestly, they will love you and give you plenty of cuddles and no heartache.

OP I would get out of this one as it is unlikely to improve imo. I did similar once and stuck with it - it became very depressing and it is possible to feel very lonely in a relationship.

What was the issue with yours?

Can I ask what you mean by - "he does not give me as much attention as I need"? In an earlier comment you mentioned that it's about frequency of sex?
And you also mentioned childcare - not yours....

Are you equating his libido with his feelings for you? And developing resentments and/or drawing conclusions from that?

Can you say more about your relationship - how old are you two, how are you set up. And how you communicate about it all - does he know how you feel, what he says, etc.

He might be a nice guy but he's not nice enough.
He might be a caring guy but not caring enough.
He might be a loving guy but not loving enough.

Don't spend your life chasing a not enough guy, they will only stick around until they find someone else. Never you, and that's why you have this ball of anxiety inside you. You are scared of being left behind. So start being proactive and in charge of your life. Let not enough guy go and find a just right guy, you'll never find him while you spend all your energy on the first one.

It's complicated because I'm not a very sexual person myself so it's about touching and intimacy I suppose, some more prolonged contact than a hug, which is also why the suggestion above to get a dog wouldn't work! I also mean attention as in talking and listening to me. He does do this, but I'm quite needy I suppose!

Yes, the childcare is his.

"Are you equating his libido with his feelings for you? And developing resentments and/or drawing conclusions from that?"

I suppose so. It's not possible for me to know that if he's not interested it's because of libido or his interest in me.

We are both middle aged and he is older than me - he had his children older. I have communicated about it before, but nothing really changes. When I suggested we finish he begged me not to, which I found flattering and now makes me feel guilty for contemplating finishing it.

When he has his children they sleep in his room and I sleep in the spare room. When his children are not there I sleep in his room, but he has a king size so it might as well be a twin room really. I'm peri-menopausal so heavy periods and mad cycle meaning our options are limited, but I don't think that's the issue really. It's a lack of interest on his or both our parts. If we took away the logistical issues, the problem would still be there.

I don't think the perfect guy exists and I think my options are being lonely in a relationship that's not quite right or being totally lonely and I'm not quite sure which is worse.

I never said perfect guy. What I was trying to say though is that if you stay with someone who isn't right, the opportunity for finding someone who is better for you won't happen, you won't see it.

And trust me, if you had been reading the Relationship forum for the past few years you would realise the consensus is that being lonely in a relationship is far, far worse than being lonely while single.

You seem afraid of letting go of something that causes you anxiety, are you afraid of feeling nothing instead? Or is it because being with someone means you are wanted in some way, of being needed? I realise that might be a bit deep but most women have moved on from the "having a man at any cost" mentality by now but you still seem to have that thought. But that could be a me problem not understanding.

OP, I spent years trying to make a man who was otherwise my "best friend" fancy me. He stayed with me because he felt he "ought to" fancy me, but he didn't. I have never felt less attractive, and my self-esteem was non-existent. I kept wondering what I needed to do - everything else was in place.

You deserve so so much better.

" if you stay with someone who isn't right, the opportunity for finding someone who is better for you won't happen, you won't see it."

I know, but my history is being alone so I don't think I'll meet someone better anyway. And what's better? Someone else may be more affectionate, but have other drawbacks.

"You seem afraid of letting go of something that causes you anxiety, are you afraid of feeling nothing instead?"

I think because there are good and bad moments. Obviously, what I want to do is either make him change - probably not possible - or learn to be calm about the situation rather than throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

As I said, I've been single most of my life, gone on holiday alone, etc. but I don't really want to go back to that.