Leave the nice guy or continue in a state of anxiety?

[Rejected12]

This is a difficult one so please bear with me.
Been with my boyfriend for over 3 years and we were also together briefly when we were young so in theory we knew what we were getting into. When we first got back together I was over the moon, but some problems were already evident. I had some doubts about how he felt about me and often felt 'rejected' by him somehow. I have a thread about this from a year or two ago.

Now, I'm stuck in a relationship where we seem to care about each other, but maybe not enough. He is either avoidant and can't help it or just cares for me as a friend and doesn't feel any more. For various reasons we are looking to buy an apartment together although, in an ideal world, we would not be forced to do it at this stage as our relationship is not strong enough. If I don't buy with him, he will buy by himself a place not big enough for me to move into later so our chance will be missed. (We don't live in the UK but in a place where if you buy it's for 10 years minimum).

I don't feel close enough to him. We don't spend enough time being physically close. It feels strange to be complaining about that when I'm someone who was never much into sex and I'm not good at it, but I really feel the need for more consistent skin-to-skin contact than the odd hug can give and I don't get it because of a combination of time constraints (childcare mainly) and just one of us not being in the mood. Obviously, I've spoken to him about it and I accept that it's partly my fault, but now I'm at the situation of potentially leaving someone I love or carrying on with a relationship that's causing me a lot of anxiety and being locked into it financially.

Did he tell you he didn't fancy you?
Mine tells me he does. Obviously his behaviour doesn't quite follow, but I can't know for sure why that is, if it's avoidance attachment or whatever.

Does it really matter why? The fact you describe is that he just doesn’t have capacity to give you what you want.

it sounds to me as if you are useful to him so he wants you to stay around even though the relationship doesn’t really work for you. He will tell whatever he thinks will keep you trapped and then his actions will not match those words.

I hope you can get some perspective on how bad this situation really is for you.

You are such a lovely beautiful human being who deserves so much more. Being alone is no punishment, it’s so much better than accepting what he is offering

what are your circumstances? Can you support yourself in comfort when living alone?

As I said, I've been single most of my life, gone on holiday alone, etc. but I don't really want to go back to that.

Why not? Being single is so much better than being in a relationship (particularly an unhappy relationship) in many ways - more independence and freedom to do what you want, not to mention an addictive sense of peace of living your life without someone bringing you down.

It does sadden me that most people feel they can't function or enjoy life without being with someone. Reclaim your life and reclaim your happiness.

@Rejected12

Personally, I think there is a whole host of issues here. And I don't think it's all him.

For starters - if you have been single most of your life, I do think that your expectations of what a relationship should be like - vs reality of real life can be somewhat mismatched.
Next - there are his kids, who seem quite small still. And sounds like you don't have any. Dating someone with kids is always challenging, and even more so if the other one is childless. You need to understand that kids (and especially small ones) take priority over you.

His side - he is older, and with small kids, and peri-menopausal partner. I don't envy him at all - all of these together would make a superman tired.

So - my take on this all - in your place, I'd not cut your nose to spite your face. Relationships in middle age are not fairy tales. People are older, with more responsibilities, more tired. And it looks like there is a lot of good in it.
So - I think it's important to find joy in things that bring you joy, and not overreact to things that are not exactly perfect. And realise that people are different - some are, for eg more tactile, others are less. It's not a reflection on you or the relationship.

Have you ever been to counselling? You talk about him being avoidant, etc. But - how well do you understand yourself and what drives you? You do seem needy and insecure (to me at least) - what drives this?

We don't live together so I have the freedom to do what I want. He doesn't stop me doing anything and I don't think he would if we lived together either. The problems are different. Obviously he doesn't bring me down all the time, there are lots of good times.

Thanks for thinking I'm lovely. I'm using one of my smaller usernames so you may not recognise the real me...

Not sure how I'm useful to him except for a bit of company and I suppose not having to 'go on the apps' or something to meet a new woman when he doesn't really have time for that.

We don't live together and are not financially enmeshed.

@Sashya thanks for that quite positive reply.

"if you have been single most of your life, I do think that your expectations of what a relationship should be like - vs reality of real life can be somewhat mismatched."

Yes, you're right. I can't compare with past relationships only with what I see around me with friends, etc. I do have a bad example given by my parents and I'm seeing some similarities which are making me afraid of ending up like them.

"You need to understand that kids (and especially small ones) take priority over you."

Yes, I do understand this, but there's more going on than just him being busy with the kids.

"His side - he is older, and with small kids, and peri-menopausal partner. I don't envy him at all - all of these together would make a superman tired."

I'd like to see him cope with an even younger partner!

"Relationships in middle age are not fairy tales."

Yes, I understand this and I have said I'm not expecting the grand amour or Mr Right or the soulmate or anything like that.

"So - I think it's important to find joy in things that bring you joy, and not overreact to things that are not exactly perfect. And realise that people are different - some are, for eg more tactile, others are less. It's not a reflection on you or the relationship."

OK so work on my anxiety.

"Have you ever been to counselling? You talk about him being avoidant, etc. But - how well do you understand yourself and what drives you? You do seem needy and insecure (to me at least) - what drives this?"

Yes, I have been to counselling, but not exactly about being insecure. I'm not sure that I am really when I hear about women who expect daily texting, a good night message every night, don't want their bfs to go out with their friends, etc. I think a normal-ish person with an avoidant will appear to be insecure. (I actually think I'm the flip-flop one - can't remember the name now).
In my book on attachment styles there is an example of a woman who was doing some kind of competition with her partner and really wanted him to hold her hand at some point (I don't demand PDAs by the way). Her partner makes her feel that she's too demanding and she accepts this, but the book authors argue that her need is totally normal.

Thanks for your comment - it's good to get one that's not LTB.

If you have to ask the question, it's a no.

He should make you feel wanted! It’s so important. I really think you would benefit from counselling to try and make the right decision for you.

It’s really sad that he won’t spend time holding you. I think you deserve more than this.

So you suspect he is physically not interested in you

How often does he try to initiate sex? Does he hold your hand? Greet you with a kiss? Hug you?

How often are you getting any action?

It doesn't sound like you can have a secure attachment with this person and that will leave you feeling emotionally dysregulated for as long as you continue to put yourself in this position. You seem to have different ideas of what it looks like to be wanted and needed. That's really sad but not as sad as the emptiness of realising you've lost a decade to something that simply didn't work.

"Greet you with a kiss? Hug you?"

Greet with a kiss, yes because I insist. Good bye hug the same, but it's obviously not enough. If I'm very lucky, he'll sit right next to me on the sofa, which actually is good enough for me - I don't need to be in his arm on the sofa - but other times he'll sit right at the opposite end. He likes his space.

I was in similar but different situation - a bit like a previous poster who said about their best friend feeling that he should fancy her...but didn't. We made it work for 5 years, but for the last two years we have been housemates who are besties. Zero intimacy, but a lot of affection.

I have just accidentally branched out into dating again (somebody I really fancied asked me out, and I didn't say no for once.) Old Friend and I have had to have a serious talk. The domestic arrangement has changed, as I want to bring my new chap home, and previous situation sounds too weird for words even though it's innocent. (We both have places but I was more or less living at his. Now I'm at mine unless I visit him, and I don't stay overnight with him now.)

If new chap and I don't work out, which is always possible, OF and I have retained the strong friendship - which is a good feeling.

I suppose I'm saying, if he's not that into you (by what you say), but six months down the road you meet somebody who is what will you do? What would you do if you had bought together? I'd suggest you rescue the friendship and stop forcing the intimacy. Experience tells me that this just doesn't work. I'd also strongly suggest you don't buy together!

Good luck, I really feel for you. Keep us posted, if you want to.

This is kinda sad. Touch is a basic human need. Shouldn't be something that you have to compromise on in a relationship. You could be his friend, you know? You don't have to be in a relationship with him.

I couldn't just be his friend, could I? I mean we were just friends for a long time and we ended up back together. I'd never be interested in looking for someone else if he was still in my life so I think we'd have to not see each other again, which would also mean I'd never see his children again :(

"six months down the road you meet somebody who is what will you do?"

That's really unlikely. I've been single most of my life so having two men on the go is just not something I think would happen. Also because I wouldn't be interested because I'm with someone, however flawed or even dysfunctional that relationship is.

"if he's not that into you (by what you say)"

This is what I don't know, whether he doesn't fancy me or is just avoidant.
Other posters have said it doesn't matter really as the problem is still there.

One poster said maybe the problem is more my side, that my expectations are too high. That at least gives me hope because it's easier to change your own behaviour than someone else's.

I'm grateful to everyone for their comments.

But you haven’t said if he is interested in being intimate with you? Is he?

Some people don’t like constant displays of affection or touch but they are still intimate

Have you asked him outright?

@Rejected12 - can you describe a bit more what you actually mean about "not fancying you or being avoidant"....
In simple words - do you have sex? And how often(ish) - so it's easier to comment on whether it is all usual for age group/small kids - or problematic.

Other things you mention that peaked my attention - you commented on his bed being king sized, and said something like - it's as if you are sleeping on your own.

On that one - I'd strongly disagree. I personally can do a big of hugging/spooning in bed - but NEED to retreat to my own side of my super-king bed, or I'll not be able to sleep. So I'd not be in a relationship who'd expect me to cuddle all night - and decide I am avoidant because of that.

Similarly - when we watch TV with my partner - I don't like hugging or being touched. It makes me feel constrained and I can't focus on the story.

Just as a reference:
I am not avoidant - I talk about feelings, and am quite aware of mine and his. I don't ignore issues, don't sweep things under a rug, etc. I am empathetic and direct. I have a healthy libido. I am just not tactile on a daily basis, and don't throw around "I love yous" as it feels fake to use it all the time.

But on physical touch - I like my space. I raised two kids and being on my own is actually often a nice break from being with and around people.

I also don't want to be entangled all night or to be sitting cramped up under his arm on the sofa. It's more that I'd like a cuddle for a few minutes before going to sleep or to sit very close to each other on the sofa.

@Quitelikeit of course he claims to be interested.

Belgium ? Just a wild guess :) you don’t need to answer.