Is our income-based split of bills and spending fair in marriage?

[Jennifer89]

I earn more than my husband not by a huge about. About £250 more a month. We used to halves on bills but since being married we discussed seems more fair to contribute based on our incomes. My income has gone up more as basically my company has been better with pay rises and his is more stingy. It is tricky one as his salary potential is stalling but his company has certain benefits such as he can work from home every day and they are flexible with school runs which will come in handy for when daughter starts school. He can work 35 hour week and finish early and he gets 30 days holiday. He currently does nursery pick ups and home by around 4.30pm. Fridays our daughter doesn't attend. I have half day off and half day grandparents help.
Whilst he could find a job paying more the benefits could not be so good so something we are weighing up.

How we organise finances is a percentage split based on our income for bills, food, childcare etc. We put some money in joint family account for stufff for our daughter and meals out etc. Then any money left equal amount for each individual accounts leaves us about £500 each. Only compromise is any bonus money I keep as it isn't huge amount a year around £1000 and I do spend more on hair appointments and other things.
In future once no longer have childcare we plan to put more into joint savings/towards paying off mortgage.

I just wondered other ladies opinions if this sounds a fair arrangement? My husband says he feels bad contributing less than me and worries each year I will keep adding more as my income increases. I question if maybe he feels that way as he is the man/father. How do other ladies on here earning slightly more split finances?
During maternity leave he covered majority of bills. I just added in around £400 from maternity pay and we managed.

He's contributing by staying in a lower paid job that allows him to do pick ups etc. Contributing isn't just money.

Work out the % more you earn. You put that % more into bills etc.

If you earn 55% of his salary, he contributes 45%.

I agree but he compares himself I think to other people e.g. his brother, friends who earn more so it does seem to give him some insecurity.
As a family of 3 we are touchwood comfortable financially either way. Would be even more so in future when we have no more childcare fees

I think it sounds fair, he’s contributing by doing more pick ups etc and missing out on his own earning potential as a result.

If I were you two I’d be putting all money into a pot and sharing it tbh. He’s helping with childcare so contributing in different ways. I never understand married couples with DCs who want to keep things separate financially. When divorcing everything is seen as joint assets so I don’t know why it isn’t seen that way while married. You’re a team and work together to provide for each other practically and financially, presuming no abuse and/or financial irresponsibility.

That is what we do effectively

Flexibility, decent annual leave are key when you have a family
he could earn £10k a year more, have no flexibility and less annual leave
childcare is so expensive especially during school holidays - all this needs factoring in.

Was about to say the same. He feels he’s contributing less financially because he is contributing less financially. Maybe that wouldn’t bother him so much if it was just one big pot?

We split percentage based on our income into joint pots then money into separate accounts (same amount) left for things like own fuel money, phone bills, clothes & outings with friends etc.
Savings not much right now but will be more when no more childcare.

Personally I don't think would suit us as a family for him to earn 10k more in some 9-6 office based job coming home late every day.

We just put it all into one joint account out of which we pay all bills, household and child related costs, then we each have the same amount of fun spends transferred to own personal accounts and whatever left is saved. We’ve always done it this way regardless of who earns what. At times I’ve earned more, then I was a SAHP for a while and now I work very part time so earn less. It’s OUR money, family money, we’re a team and sometimes one contributes more than the other financially but equally sometimes one picks up more of the slack with regards to house/child care - all are contributions to the family unit.

Your husband needs to stop seeing contribution to a family unit as only being purely financial. In addition I’d suggest you pool money rather than seeing certain amounts as your individual contributions as that might help him reframe his thoughts around money.

Sounds fine but a bit pernickety working out %. Easier to just say all in family account less £500 or whatever for persons spends.
Dont you spend more because commuting/ office wear etc?

I think that’s fine, though a £250 difference in earnings monthly hardly constitutes much of a difference. Dh earns about 3x what I do, so puts probably about £2k more per month into our joint account than me.

But yes, sure, you should contribute marginally more if you earn it, even if a tiny amount and he can contribute more practically, doing more school runs and such.

We spend similar on commuting as he does nursery picks ups every day. I do nursery drop off and don't work far from home. Good point I do spend more on clothes and office wear but my work bonus money can go towards that

We just pool money. It all goes in the joint account and we spend what we like. We have a similar attitude to money, savings and spending. We’re married with children so tend to think of money as a family rather than per individual.

Imo only “fair” thing in a marriage that is working is one pot of money to spend as a family. Money is only one part of contributing and will lead to resentment on one side eventually if constantly monitored.

My husband earns more than me, and I do more childcare that helps facilitate this. I’d be really pissed off if he kept his bonus to himself I think that’s taking the piss.

“Personally I don't think would suit us as a family for him to earn 10k more in some 9-6 office based job coming home late every day.”

I agree that the generous holiday entitlement and flexibility have real value. However, what you say above does have to be a joint decision. Otherwise, your DH is being somewhat forced into sacrificing his career progress and earning potential in order to preserve your career progress and earning potential. It wouldn’t be fair the other way round and it’s not fair just because you’re a woman and he’s a man. But absolutely he shouldn’t take that work just because he feels he needs a larger salary to prove something.

You are married. Why are you doing all this? Unless one of you has extreme spending habits (high or low) it’s far easier just to have a joint account. You say yourself that your husband taking a higher paid job would be unhelpful to the family overall as he would be less available for childcare, so why is he being penalised?

I already said we are contributing based on income so he is not being penalised

I agree with this - I’d be annoyed about that

He is being penalised if you are splitting purely on income. His lower paid job is facilitating the need not to have paid childcare which would otherwise come out of the joint income. He’s also being penalised if his current job doesn’t offer much scope for progression. This is why the one pot for all family expenses, then equal amounts for fun spends, is a fairer set up. As long as both parties feel that each other are contributing (which doesn’t mean just financially) to the family unit in a broadly equal way, then the one pot approach works.

Its such a small difference I would just do 50/50, and maybe you pay for a few date nights etc...

Also, if you split, there is a very string chance all the assets would be split 50/50 and that includes bonus money you have sat in an account.

I think the root of the problem is his insecurity because of other male figures around him being the breadwinner.

I earn 50% more than DH so pay more of our bills. He would love it if I went out and earned more and doesn’t feel hard done by at all- if anything, his ideal would probably be a ‘kept woman’ (yes, he does the majority of the cleaning already!). His brother probably earns 2x what he does but it doesn’t faze him at all.

His flexibility from his job offers a lot to your household from a non-cash perspective, but sometimes men can’t see those sorts of things as numbers are an objective comparison. If he is a good father, partner etc that picks up your slack, that’s worth more than any salary bump.

This is us too. It's dangerous to start weighing up the value of chores Vs income Vs travel expenses.

I only bring in about 20k a year as I freelance but I do 90% of the school admin and school travelling and most of the house work while DH brings in double or so what I do.

If DH insisted that we pay proportionally (which means proportionally less cash left over for myself remember) then I'd be pretty pissed off. He gets a lie in every weekend and doesn't ever need to think about if there is enough milk or snacks for school or DDS trip is booked. That work still have value.

Saying this, we are both quite frugal. I spend almost nothing on 'female' upkeep so no additional gendered expenditure. Any large spends are discussed and we have a similar attitude to money (both savers). We are also relatively well off because we live well within our means. I can see ops suggestion working if money is very tight for example or if the couple have very different spending habits.

It wouldn't be fair if one person was spending all the fun money on an expensive hobby leaving the other person very little for example.

Saying all the above we do have separate savings in individual names. This is just pragmatic in case something happens to the other person and we need to survive on cash short term.

How is this any different. We keep in joint accounts for bills split amount based on what we earn (so I put in a bit more) and we both have equal amounts transferred into our personal accounts each months so is that not 'pooling the money together'?