How are single parents coping without love and / or friends?

[Oldfailed]

I wonder how single parents here are coping with living in an emotional vacuum - if there are any who identify with this?

It isnt just the lack of a partner or a relationship, but also not having a caring adult (parent, friend, sibling) who has your back. How do you cope with that?

Im 3 years post divorce. Had a couple of very short lived fwb sort of relationships (if they can be called that) since then. Moderately high earner, intense job, 2 children mostly with me. I just seem to pivot between working, childcare and life admin, without any circuit breaker. Dont have close friends who have the bandwidth to spend time with me- everyone is busy in their own happily married lives, with their work, partners, and kids.

I have no siblings, parents live abroad. I crave human connection, a meaningful conversation, someone to genuinely care about me. What can I do to meet this need? I don't have much time available to try and seek new friends either, and it is so much harder to do this in my mid 40s. I have previously posted before on my dire experience with online dating - im off the apps for now.

Single mums - I know only a couple of them who are very bitter (even more than I am!) with their lot - I find it depressing speaking with them.

Genuinely wondering what has worked for you?

I’m not sure I can bring you much solace. I do have family but not very near geographically. I have friends who waxed and waned over the years due to their own busy lives or just being at a different phase with children. I’ve dated but not with anything that brought a match that was worth sustaining into the longterm. I needed to focus on rebuilding a career, and to be honest I don’t have the bandwidth to invest in the casual dating scene. My time is too precious. When I was actively dating, I had no time to just chill out and - to be honest - my life was cascading on top of me.

I can have quality family time, immersive work time (which involves some travel), and then I have to choose between time with friends, time with family (elderly parent roster), a moderately acceptably tidy house and garden, time to just watch telly or read, and dating comes well down the list.

I don’t have the answer for you. For now dating is not in my top five priorities, but I get great comfort and security from the permanence of the things that I am prioritising.

Still single though. And the years roll by. Maybe you’ll be better at it than me.

What age are you OP?

The reason I ask is that I left my exH when I was 33 and my Dd was only 1. I felt exactly as you describe and it was a really tough period and incredibly lonely.

I had a couple of bf’s over the years but spend long period single (at one point was single for 5 years!).

im now early/mid 40s and 2 of my close friends (different friendship circles from each other) have also split from their husbands. I also know 5 or 6 less close friends going through similar. It’s becoming scarily common at this age.

i spend all my childfree time (which isn’t much) with these friends as they’re in a similar position to me. I also love spending time with them along with our Dc as it’s nice to have joint family days out without feeling like I’m gatecrashing.

as much as I’m sure you don’t want your friends to experience similar, you may find it happens more frequently at a certain age.
when I have a free Saturday night, is much rather spend it with one of my single parent friends than go on a date etc. it’s also lovely to chat to someone who genuinely gets what it’s like to be in our position

Im 46.
None of my local friends (those I have known a few years) are single. The single mums i mentioned in my post are all school parents i have come to know recently- and there doesn't seem to be much overlap in our interests except for the divorce stat.

Many of the married friends who live close to me come across as little smug , or at least insensitive to the fact that as a single parent with nearly 90% custody, my challenges and what i prioritize may be different from them. For e.g., one of them told me my life wasnt so different from hers since her banker husband is away 10% of the time and she also has to "solo parent".

I moved to the UK about 20 years ago so I also don't have uni friends in close proximity. It just makes life very hard - always having to be the financial provider, the care giver and problem solver. Dont know how long I can go on like this. It's relentless. But I am often told by said friends that since I made the decision to marry my ex husband (who turned out to be an idiot and abusive), I have to bear the consequences.

I've been single for many years, similar situation to you in regards to a couple of very brief FWBs.
As the people I care about live in a different area, I've just had to sort of make my own way. I love yoga so have a group I meet online, sometimes in person, with people who share a similar interest. I find that regularly turning up to things bonds you to a community.

I have three children, two who are high needs and life can be a slog at times. I don't feel lonely often but mainly because I just don't have the time to. It would be amazing to share the load with someone and have somebody to talk to at the end of a day, but I'm not sure I'd ever trust a man again anyway. I'd rather be alone than go through what I went through before.
I'm fully prepared to be single for the rest of my life. I wouldn't want to be lonely for the rest of it though!

How old are your children?

I've been a single mum since my youngest was 8 months old ( he's 9 now 😅 ) I fled DV when he was 8 months and we have zero contact with their father or any of our family. I'm too scared to ever meet a man again. It's not worth the risk

I am fortunate to have found some nice friends,

My closest friend, was my neighbour when I was placed into temporary accommodation 9 years ago. She was the first person I met when I moved up here, I don't know what I'd of done without her. She's been my absolute rock over the years,

The other friends I've made, I've made them through my children or through clubs and the gym.

It's been hard and lonely. And my other "single" friends don't really get it as they have fathers involved, receive maintence, have family support 😅

I think it's that - "someone to talk to at the end of the day". Forget about sex or a proper relationship. For several years (even while separated but legally married) I felt that my vacuum could only be filled by a meaningful romantic relationship with a man. Now that this looks increasingly unlikely, I would happily settle for someone to talk to who is genuinely interested in me - and isnt an LLM! I feel im going to become a lonely old woman in due course. All the things I do in the little spare time i have are solitary- walks, a bit of gardening, crossword puzzles. Since there is no one at close proximity for company.

Most of my married friends seem to prefer to go out together if they do, not so much with me, increasingly. Perhaps a single person doesnt gel with the group dynamics. It's sad.

I can't believe your "friends" tell you it's your fault because you married your exH! They don't sound like friends to me.
I think that might be the crux of your problem, it's not that you don't have a man in your life, because you sound too busy for that, but that you don't have a good, sympathetic friend to spend quality time with.

It is tough being on your own and married friends don't always get it especially if they're "smug marrieds" as the friends you mention sound.
Are there any friends amongst the people you know who might be worth prioritising and spending quality time one on one with?

In me experience, just one reliable friend who gets it can lift you out of the doldrums and keep you going. Not necessarily to offload to constantly but just to distract you with a cinema trip, a drink, a meal out.
There are no magic answers here but just know that many of us on here do "get it". Xx

I think you could expand your hobbies to involve some social activity - maybe join a walking group and a gardening collective? We have both locally, a walking group who meet for a walk and then a drink/coffee afterwards or a pub lunch. Several groups that do gardening together, sort of a 'Friends of xxxx park' who meet regularly to tend to local parks/wild areas. It's a great way to meet other like minded people and get involved in the local community!

I have a partner who doesn’t live here and it’s ended up causing loads of problems with the kids as they want 100 percent of my time and labour so I think we’re just supposed to be single and lonely forever as punishment for having failed marriages 🤷‍♀️

I've been in conversations this week with married/partnered people who are also in emotional vacuums.
So it's not just anybody!! They have to be emotionally available.

People comparing their partners being away for a few nights a week and them “solo parenting” to being the same as being a single parent is one of my biggest pet peeves of all time!

@blythet can't agree more. That insensitive trivialization of our lives - having to hold it all together, every single day, on call constantly, likened to 2 two nights per week of solo parenting after the nanny has left.

Ah @Oldfailed it is so so hard. I've been single parenting for 13 years and really miss having somone just to be close to.

I dated about half-way through and saw someone for a while, but found it too hard to make time with the DC (one has some challenging needs), a full time senior-ish job, keeping the house and our life-admin going, etc.

I'm 50 in a few years and wondering if this is it. The children are mid-late teens but I expect they'll live at home for years yet, especially the challenging one. So I can't work out when I'll have the mental capacity to try dating (and online dating is awful anyway).

I've somewhat made peace with it. They way I've coped is to try new hobbies, much easier to do as the DC have get older and can be left at home. I've got art gallery and museum passes, tried photography and creative classes, etc. I try to have something booked every month that I can look forward to.

How old are your children? Once they get a bit older it becomes easier quickly. Csn you get a babysitter once a week? Or even once a fortnight? A bit of contact can make a big difference

@Bufftailed I have a nanny for a few hours a day- kids are 9 and 12, so not babies, thank God. It's been a tough few years for them to get used to my divorce. I do go out at least one evening a week, I'd say, for work drinks, or a play (mostly alone). But I need to find more social things to do with new groups of people.

Well that is a good start. And you’re soon in territory of being able to leave them a bit. A sociable group you can see each week would be ideal, I have that now (DC older teen).

It is a bit weird. I've survived 15yrs somehow. I always think that if I ever go missing there won't be any photos of me as no one cares enough to snap me. They'll have to hunt for a scowly photo of me from parkrun to use on the news.

Enjoying your own company is a blessing.

I was part of a small group of people in a Facebook group which broke away from a web forum..
We're all there for each other..some have met up.

I vividly remember one hot summer evening post split.
My children were with him, I was sat in the garden of my strange new house and I had never felt more lonely.
Every friend was busy, every family member was doing their own thing.
I sat there all evening and haven't felt that complete loneliness on my own feeling.
I had no other option than to just carry on, put one foot in front in the other and just push through. But I absolutely feel your pain, it's absolutely awful feeling like everyone else is just fine, they have their little families and you are sat on your own.
I had to dig deep, bare the loneliness and just push through. It does get better OP. Xxx

I hear you OP. I’ve been a single parent for 14 years now. It does get easier when your children are old enough to be left home alone. I’m lucky that I have siblings, they don’t live close but we do make time to call and text which really helps. I also have a circle of local mum friends that I meet up with as a group and individually, but bank holidays and weekends can be tough when everyone is busy with their husbands and kids.

I also have a full on job that I find very tiring but I make sure I go to a Pilates class every week. It helps me relax and the women in the group are all brilliant. I look forward to the session. I know it’s only an hour a week but it’s a start to building up a life outside of being a colleague or mum. Maybe you could find something similar near you?

It’s been good for me to read this thread as I contemplate divorce from my decent DH. We’ve essentially become more friends and coparents than a couple. I think I kind of romanticise the feeling of independence and freedom I might feel if I was to divorce. I’m very much an introvert though and enjoy time on my own and just with the kids a lot. But once it’s not a “luxury” anymore, but the daily circumstance, it may feel completely different.

@newusername4321 I would have personally continued in such a marriage as you describe- except I dont think I was friends with my ex husband for many years leading to the divorce. I had at one point suggested to him we basically co parent and lead separate lives, in an open marriage since I wisely realised that parenting 2 young children myself, with only some paid help, would be very hard. In those days I naively thought I had potential to find another partner! But he was horrified at that idea.

The marriage fast descended into domestic abuse and coercive control, so it was a no brainer for me to exit, especially since I was the higher earner and the longer it lasted, the more my financial risk increased. The first few years were very hard, especially since I was (and continue to be) surrounded by happy families. I wanted their life! I tried therapy and it didnt help at all so I stopped. With time, one gets used to things, even loneliness. My problem is that I am seldom alone, but often lonely.

I remind myself the many things I have for which I should be grateful, including my children. I have some single female friends same age as I am, who now regret not having biological children of their own. The grass always seems greener on the other side - I sometimes envy their degrees of freedom, disposable income and lifestyle, while they seem to think I am very lucky to have my children, single parent or not. Many men I meet through work dont want the hassle of a relationship with a single mother with time constraints.

@Oldfailed I just posted a very a similar thread to this, though im lucky enough with family. Do you meet people via the school? I've met some lovely sorts there? Or is there even any friend types at work?

I have lots of friends myself but I do feel sad without a partner having also split due to DV. Im the only single parent in our year group, and it hurts when all are talking about their husbands doing stuff together, being great fathers or even step fathers yet Im just doing it alone, and have done for nearly 11 years now.

I also want their lives and wonder how great it must be to have someone who has your back. Like you I have single friends who are devastated as they now cant have kids, so I shouldn't moan. Also can relate to angry single mums, again, its not me. So all that is left are the couples who are lovely but can't understand my situation

Hi op I’m here with you, single mum, no family, my friends are super busy with their own lives, abusive ex and my job is full on intense.

Ive been single 6 years now, I don’t really have time to date all my hours are either with my child or working.

I have no answers, I worry for my future alone. But it’s 1000% brighter than the prospect of a future with my ex.

I’m so grateful for the time with my ds, my roof over my head & my job.

small things keep me going, walks, garden, books, online chats in a book club

sending strength your way x

I completely understand what you are saying. It's so important to be able to talk through things and offload and process your day.

Have you considered therapy? I realise it isn't a long term answer and it's certainly an expensive route to take, but I found it helpful for a while, to have a consistent person to talk to every week. It might help as a short term solution whilst you find something more meaningful IRL.