Struggling with a break up

[CoralGraceRow]

Just over a week ago me and my DP separated. It had been a long time coming, and deep down I think I know it is for the best. But my god am I struggling. Really deeply struggling. Life has gone on hold, I’m finding it hard to go NC and I want my old life back for the comfort and to ease the loneliness. Plus love is still there. I never wanted the relationship to end, but the way I was being treated was not ok and despite my attempts nothing changed. I’m not sure what I’m looking for, I know I need to go NC, I know it will get easier, but the thought of being alone and dating again (eventually!)/letting someone else in is filling me with dread. I want a hug and to have the company of my ex and to easy this awful loneliness. Any advice?

Be kind to yourself. Little acts of kindness and comfort. Don't think of the future just get through now. You need to heal, dating is for a different you, when you are interested. You are doing the right thing and preserving your self respect.

I am in a similar place, 3 weeks in. He was an alcoholic, it transpired once I saw through the lies, so miserable to live with. Are you missing him as a person, or simply missing the company? I’m more the latter, and my worries are about now running out of time to mend myself, be ready to date again, and meet someone to start a family. I am losing so much sleep!

I think everything you have described is completely natural. The end of a long relationships brings feelings similar to bereavement so you are bound to feel your life is on hold while you adjust. And while you adjusting to what has happened try not to worry about the future. I realise your mind will keep going to the prospect of another relationship, but try to mentally put a pin in that. In time, even a few weeks, you may well feel less pessimistic about it, but for now just ease yourself through your feelings the break up is causing. 💐

Assuming no childcare to sort between you? If that's the case, delete his number. Make it so you can't contact him even when you really want to. It will get better with time.

Make new memories is the best advice I got.

Honestly put thinking about another relationship on hold. You're in a state of grief and loss, shock and feeling disorientated. The familiar has gone, your present is changed and you need to adjust and adapt.

It's time for you. Look after yourself in every way from appearance, looking after your health, making good habits, some exercise, socialising with family and friends and maybe finding new interests.

Pamper yourself, have quiet times and rest. Don't turn to alcohol or substances, but a good walk or a phone call with a friend. Have a day out, do something new. Take one day at a time. Do something for yourself every day, even if it's a special meal or treat, window shopping, a new book....make a new life for YOU.

I’m sorry OP, it’s bloody awful. I’m in the same boat. Completely blindsided by DP ending our 6 year relationship a fortnight ago (while on holiday!) despite us both loving each other deeply. I begged, bargained, raged, negotiated, pretended it was all ok... but he checked out emotionally weeks ago.

I’ve been using ChatGPT a lot and it’s given me a space to vent and express how I’m feeling. The advice is pretty bang on too. I’ve copied and re-read a lot of it. It’s helped clarify what I’m feeling and what I should do / not do. I’ve also leaned on family and friends for support.

Some headline advice that’s struck a chord with me and might help you:

• Don’t romanticise the relationship. it’s easy post break up to only think of the good times, the things that made you feel loved and safe. But you have to accept the reality of the whole relationship. If you know deep down that it wasn’t working, focus on those reasons.

• You might love and care for each other. But that is not enough to sustain a relationship if both of you aren’t willing and capable of making changes to repair the relationship. People leave relationships all the time even though they love the other person.

• Accept that you’re going to feel shit for as long as it takes. It’s ok to cry and want to message him, to scroll through old messages, to stalk him on social media, to hope that he’ll be missing you and will reach out. You don’t have to “fix” yourself right away.

• Make time for you. Get some exercise. Play Fleetwood Mac! Get a haircut. Spend time with girlfriends. Volunteer for a charity. Work on what you need to feel better about yourself. Not in the hope that he’ll miraculously realise that you’re amazing and come running back… but because you need to love yourself. Plus, keeping busy makes it harder to wallow in grief. I woke up in tears this morning then decided to get out of bed and go to Park Run… smashed a PB… felt great!

• Don’t even think about dating or getting back out there until you’re healed. But know that you WILL be ok. There will be somebody out there who is better for you than he ever could be. I’m hoping mine has a yacht… 😉

Thank you for all the advice. I was feeling incredibly lonely last night and the physical pain is awful. Just feel very lost and while I know I need to get out it’s the last thing I want to go. Also struggling to cry despite feeling like I want to 24/7. Lies were also what ruined our relationship and alcohol so I can relate to that!

I'm in the same boat. Day one here for me. The pain is awful. I'm also going thorough some serious health issues and just feel flattened. Maybe we could have a no contact support group?
So sorry for everyone else going through this. It's just crap.

It’s definitely one of the hardest things to go through. Especially when you just wanted it to work! It’s hard to think I’ve ‘wasted’ so many years of my life. I know rationally I haven’t but that’s how it feels right now. Anger one minute, upset the next and then just flat.

@CoralGraceRow So much this! I put everything I had into trying to make it work. I still love him very deeply. But I just couldn't continue when I didn't get the same back from him and felt like the last thing in his list.

The wasted years thing is so true. In addition to all the love and self growth to try and be a better person etc I worked in his business for years instead of relaunching my career after a divorce. Now im older and its going to be harder to get back into some sort of decent paying work.

The anger and flatness thing is grief. I know I'll wake up tomorrow and be in pieces when it hits me. I hope you have some RL support? X

Just keep busy op
i’m 9 months in and still can’t imagine dating again and starting to think I probably never will and I’m better off on my own

@CoralGraceRow.
Something I've started tonight. Might help but depends on your circumstances.
I have been writing down my thoughts a lot lately. I just glanced at the clock and thought, 'if we were still together what would I be doing right now? '
My answer was. 'I'd be sitting here, having not heard from him all day, waiting for a sign he gave a crap. The reality is he'd text me after midnight, usually drunk, usually tired and with bugger all to say'
I'm trying to identify WHAT it is I'd miss about him. At the moment I'm not sure there's much.

I know that won't stop the pain for now. But it will be useful for the weaker moments. Xx

I think for me I’m missing the laughs we did have, the physical contact even just proximity or a hug. The feeling like there was adult conversation and closeness after a long day. But I also know that there was a lot of heartache and arguments and negative feelings almost on a daily basis that made me feel unimportant and deeply uncared for. And the unwillingness to compromise or put themselves out when that’s all I felt I did was tough. As was the lack of willingness to talk or discuss any issues at all. Just complete avoidance which essentially silenced me and left me feeling like a coiled spring.

I’ve also started writing my feelings down daily. I stated therapy a while ago to work through this and other issues, and I have some albeit limited people I can talk to. I really want to start something new, something to make the evenings less lonely and long but right now it’s taking all my effort to just function so I’m trying to give myself time but feel like at some point soon I need to push myself out of this wallowing because I don’t want it to consume me.

i understand the idea of feeling better off on your own because the thought of going through this again terrifies me, but that also makes me really sad!

I honestly could have written your post word for word. Tonight, after an hour of crying my eyes out because I miss all the things you mention, I'm sitting here feeling calmer, just because I'm not waiting for the validation of a phone call to feel like I matter, having been ignored all day as usual.

I've got that same 'wanting to start something new' thing too. Actually it's more of a 'I want to move somewhere far away and be miles from anywhere I'll be reminded of him' feeling. But also to build a new life, to meet people I'll connect with, to have something that's just mine. Not connected to him.
It's a really rough road and I think the thing in dreading most, and the reason I stayed much longer than I should, is because I know all the pain I have to go through before I can get back to feeling OK.

I hope you sleep ok tonight. Sending you a virtual hug.

Sleep is something I’m struggling whit at the moment!

I know the feeling of staying longer than you should to protect yourself. Although I think that was a bit of a lie I told myself, as staying damaged me too just in other ways and maybe more slowly.

I’m going to try and go for a walk tomorrow, here’s hoping I can drag myself out for an hour with a podcast 🤞🏻

Staying damages your self esteem for sure, esp when you are accepting behaviour you know you shouldn't. I hope you got some sleep. A walk is a good plan. It's been proven a lot that time in nature lowers cortisol. (A big thing for me atm as I'm having cancer treatment right now)
Hope the day is kind to you. Always here if you need a chat.

I’m sorry to hear about your diagnosis. What a crap thing to be going through on top of that! I decided on a declutter. It’s actually been very therapeutic!

Thanks. I'm doing well with it. It's what has caused the breakup though. I finally realised how little I was valued and supported.

Love a declutter! I had a friend over to visit to help keep me strong. 😊

I’ve started to make plans, I’m seeing more and more clearly through the contact I am having how they are so manipulative and self centred. It’s time to find some hobbies but I can’t see to think of what!

Thank you, funnily enough fleetwood mac has been on repeat and I’m considering starting running (although I have never got past week 3 of couch to 5k)!

Checking in as another member of the new break up club after 5 years together. Only on day 2 and for some reason it doesn't feel real yet, I have periods where I cry and periods where I think oh he will message in a week. It was my/mutual decision to end it as likewise OP there was and still is love but it wasnt working in a lot of ways we just weren't the same ppl anymore. Dreading the realization that it is real I keep checking what's app in case hes text when I would get a notification anyway 😣 im annoyed at myself for that one. What i do that helps is i will write down like i wish I could tell you that I miss you in a journal. I dont know if its helping in fact maybe its not teaching me to move on but its certainly helping with the no contact. Ive also been binge watching a series on Netflix to try and keep my mind busy but again that's not working and I couldn't even tell you what the programme was about. Afraid of the pain of the long road ahead im considering counselling to help me get through it

Are they still contacting you then? I heard from mine last night. A hollow paragraph, because if the words were real I wouldn't be sitting here alone. I sent a message back and now kind of wish I hadn't as they havent replied. Lesson learned.
I've just signed up for a yoga class. Something that will distract me for an hour a couple of days a week and make me feel like I'm doing something for myself.
Struggling tonight. I know my ex will be out having a great laugh with everyone whist I sit here and try to work my way through the pain. Just need to stay strong and remind myself of why I am doing this. It's the right thing to do. But Damn is it hard.

Hi Jinx. Sorry you're here but glad you've found this thread. I'm guilty of the whatsapp checks too.
It's awful when you still have the love and so do they, but ultimately you know its not good for you.

There's that part of you that wants them to text/turn up and tell you they CAN give you what you need after all. The hope of that takes a long time to fade I think. The knowledge that it won't, because if they could they would have before the breakup is brutal.
Think its going to be a long night tonight.

Counselling is really helpful. She is really helping me process it and I enjoy the sessions so would reccomend! I’m also journaling, it’s helping me to get out the things I don’t feel able to say, or the frustrations of the things I’m saying but don’t feel are being heard!