Struggling with a break up

[CoralGraceRow]

Just over a week ago me and my DP separated. It had been a long time coming, and deep down I think I know it is for the best. But my god am I struggling. Really deeply struggling. Life has gone on hold, I’m finding it hard to go NC and I want my old life back for the comfort and to ease the loneliness. Plus love is still there. I never wanted the relationship to end, but the way I was being treated was not ok and despite my attempts nothing changed. I’m not sure what I’m looking for, I know I need to go NC, I know it will get easier, but the thought of being alone and dating again (eventually!)/letting someone else in is filling me with dread. I want a hug and to have the company of my ex and to easy this awful loneliness. Any advice?

Yes and very up and down, cold, argumentative at times. I’ve tonight said that’s it, no more texts. I just hope that I’m strong enough to stick to it! I know I will be eventually but it’s a hard ‘habit’ to break right now! The yoga class sounds like a good step. I’ve been searching for something new, somewhere to meet new people but just don’t know what I want to throw myself into yet!

Needed to hear this today…

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/18kXXrFQwh/?mibextid=wwXIfr

Hope everyone’s managing well? I’m currently a day and a half NC. Yesterday felt quite easy, today is proving a bit tougher but not caving yet!

If you lived together, I’d focus on small steps to sort who is going to live in the house longer term

Logistics are sorted, I’m staying put but reminders are everywhere aren’t they. I need to spend less time on my phone and less time alone watching TV, but I’m also mindful it’s very new and quite raw so trying to also be a bit gentle with myself at the same time. Writing it all down is helpful at the minute so I’m doing a lot of that daily. That and making plans so I have to leave the house because I’m on AL this week and my routine goes to shit anyway but with this too it’s all over the place!

We've talked over the last two days and are going to give it another go. But the few days apart and how they made me spiral have been a wake up call for me. I need to change my mindset and create some new things to focus on so that I'd it doesn't work out then I'm not just totally crushed.
@CoralGraceRow well done on the no contact. It's so so hard. You are doing the right thing by being gentle on yourself. It's such a gut wrenching process. Because your mind bounces from thinking you'll be OK to not thinking you will. Being sure it's the right thing and then not.
Giving yourself time away from him will bring you the certainty you need, whichever way that ends up being.
Like you've said before finding new things you enjoy will really help. I think that's actually vital whether you are with someone or not. Esp if you both have different levels of need from a relationship. I've realised that I need more for just me. More of a life outside of the relationship, so that I can function better for myself.
I'll be thinking of you, will be around if you need to chat and still check in of that's OK?

I must not have notifications turned on as I didn’t realise anyone came back to the thread!

I am doing a little better myself, but I feel there is so much to mentally unpack, while now being annoyed at myself for not being able to sleep so getting behind on things that need done. Yesterday was a much better day, I think Sundays are better because I go to church on Sundays and that lifts me a lot.

I really relate to what you’re saying about time on your phone and tv @CoralGraceRow, I think I am mentally trying to shut the world out. It’s definitely good to get out, I forced myself to do a lot of errands yesterday and feel brighter because of it.

I’ve made myself stay busy and it definitely dulls it. I suppose it’s getting used to a new way of living, making new routines and building a life as a single person that is going to take time and patience. Keeping busy is helping right now but my house is a state because of it and I know it’s just a plaster at the moment.

I’m also not sleeping well a lot of the time so I can empathise there! Feel like a walking zombie most of the time!

Hand hold op. I'm a few weeks in.

How are you finding it? I’m hoping the emotions settle and life starts to feel ‘normal’ in some way!

I hope you’re having more good days than bad!

Hope everyone is doing ok. I think the nice weather helps as it’s easy to get out for a walk.

I’ve had a huge drop today. From last week when I was doing new handstand classes and booking a solo kayaking trip, this week I’ve convinced myself he’ll come back to me.

It would be so much easier if he was a wanker who’d treated me badly and just fucked off. But he left sobbing about how much he loved me. When I messaged him about some items he’d left at mine, he was warm and friendly. And he keeps giving me kudos on Strava!

It’s only been 2 weeks, far too soon to do anything… but I’m so desperate to message him. I almost want to ask him “I need to know if there’s any possibility of a future here. Because I need to decide how to move forward.” But I’m terrified of the answer. So I think the best bet is to do nothing and see how I feel in another 2 weeks. And probably delete the Strava app, which is hard because I still want him to “see” me, to be proud of me.

Who says you need to go no contact? You're already thinking about letting someone else in? What??

Do what's best for you. Just know that if you do prolong contact, it might make some of the grieving process longer even if it's a softer landing. I was friends with an ex before him for a while after, and I think it helped the both of us before we realised that we weren't suited to being friends, especially close friends either. You'll probably find the same eventually, as you consider if you would be happy with a friend treating you the way he has. I'm guessing you wouldn't be.

Despite leaving my ex, I don't think I'll ever be 'over it'. I was with him for many years during all of my young adulthood and beyond. To me, it's like a death. You're not somehow failing if you're reluctant to celebrate the end and get involved with another guy. Emotionally, I wasn't ready for at least two years to seriously consider someone else. I might have downloaded and app, but that's as far as I got before I abandoned it.

Oh I’m not thinking of letting anyone else in, it’s just one of those fears about the future that pop up in times like these when you feel you had your future planned out and now it’s all in the air!

Regular contact isn't great for us. My ex wants to talk about the good times and possibility that we can slowly build things up and get back together while I’m angry at how I’ve been treated and can’t hide that, then when I express that I get shut down and silenced. I feel worse for having contact, but when we don’t speak I’m sat wondering what they’re doing and who they’re filling their time talking to.

I’m also going through the same thing no contact since Thursday & it’s so hard. I agree with the other poster it would be great if there was a no contact group so we wouldn’t feel lonely as we’re in the same boat.

Some days are worse than others but I think the first months the hardest. I’ve done it before & it gets easier as time goes on & they always end up reaching out so it feels good when that happens & you’re in control. I made the mistake of going back though which I don’t advise & it’s the same crap usually.

What helps me is keeping busy, mostly I take my kids out a lot to so we explore different areas in London (even though we live here). We just have days out which always uplifts my mood. Also getting your hair or nails done, exercising, going on long walks, watching long series they all help a lot. I don’t have many people to go to for advice but if you do when you’re really down give them a call, speaking to people you trust really helps. I got a lot of good advice on here yesterday that helped me stay strong as I was in a really bad place yesterday. Best of luck x

I’ve been keeping busy but today (well last 2/3 days!) have been awful and I am so upset today. I feel like I’m avoiding being on my own and keeping busy to keep the feelings at bay but they’ve all poured out today and I feel so hopeless. So lonely and just grieving my ‘old’ life and wishing I had that comfort but I know it was largely awful and had been making me ill. It’s so conflicting and I just want the pain to end. The thought of months and months of this pain is terrifying me to be honest!

Another one in the club one week in. Hes still here and looking for somewhere else. Am devastated but he has hurt me so much with lies, cheating and still interacting with ow . I know hes going to be with her the second he has his own place. It just hurts so bad 😪 im still in love with him but i know for best
Sending love to you op and all in this situation xxx

I can’t fully understand your situation but can appreciate what you say about still loving them but knowing how much they hurt you. It’s an awful feeling. I hope you’re feeling a little better today, and remember you deserve so much better! X