Stay for the children and security, or leave an unhappy marriage

[Landes22]

Been with husband since 18, together 21 years. Three children, all 10 and under. I was a SAHM for many years, husband has a very well paid job. We have been unhappy for many many many years - constantly fighting, arguing. He is resentful of me because he believes he puts duty first and I put myself first. Obviously this is complicated and not my perspective. He tends to be miserable all the time and it is always the fault of either me, his boss, then children, his sense of overwhelm. I have a very good life financially and this gives me a great lifestyle. But I am fed up of having a miserable resentful partner. I am really frightened of separating and divorcing him due to the instability and stress it will bring to the children, and selfishly my own lifestyle being scuppered. But the children sense the tension and unhappiness. I feel sad when I see other families enjoy time together.

As someone who grew up in a household with parents who constantly argued, to the point that most of my childhood was riddled with anxiety - please do not continue exposing them to this. I can remember being probably 8 or 9 and begging my Mum to leave him and divorce. I am the eldest of three girls and my Mum was a SAHM, and didn’t work again when she had me. We were well off but deeply unhappy. Mum loved him but was so scared of the financial implications of leaving him so she stayed. I left home just before I turned 18 because I couldn’t cope with living there anymore, I gave up a place at Uni and got a job. My Mum eventually did leave him when she was 44 and two years later passed away from brain cancer. She had two years of freedom and her life was over. As hard as this will be, please put your happiness and the happiness of your children first.

You’ve only been out of the workplace 10 years, what did you do for work before dc? Do you need to renew qualifications?

I think finding yourself a job might help with this,
You've been a stay at home home...admirably,,,but move on.
I imagine your husband is thinking, why doesn't she take some of the financial load off me?
You stated that you have a very good life financially, but it seems that your husband is giving that to you, whilst you sit at home.
I think you need to up your game and get paid to work.
Honestly, I'd be peed off if my I could see my partner could work, but chose not to. Make an effort.

What do you mean by ‘stay for the children’? Growing up in a miserable home with unhappy parents who dislike each other won’t be pleasant at all.

Have u had counselling either together or on your own to try to find out what the difficulties are?

based on your title, I expected you to just report that the spark had gone. That is when you can stay for the children, when you are friends who can still parent together.

If you are fighting all the time, you are actively harming the children. You need to get them out of this environment. That means either figure out how to fix the marriage or if it can’t be fixed, leave. You can’t just continue with the status quo.

What exactly does he mean when he says he puts duty first and you put yourself first?

I think you need to ask him what he means by duty.
Dont guess.

You are clearly both unhappy and wanting to stay for the ‘lifestyle’ truly baffles me. If you want to stay for that reason then you need to accept that you’ll be miserable, unless anything changes. Do you work? Can you make steps to think about your future and make a plan for some financial independence to separate?

This. You owe it to your children to give them a happy home as they grow up or you risk doing permanent harm.
If your dh is equally unhappy, perhaps he would welcome a separation. Talk to him about it.

Have you actually asked him what he wants and why he thinks you two are unhappy? Has he asked you what you want?

The reason I ask is because I found DC to be such a distraction that, happy or unhappy, life just went along until it got to a point that it felt like things were as they were and then there was no way to talk about things or it felt too awkward.

The gap got too big, if that makes sense, and it took bravery to jump back to the side we started from.

Did you love him when you married him all those years ago? Is there nothing salvageable? Are you bored? Is your social circle very small?

Hard to say what the right thing is to do from what you've put here but I would always advocate for trying to work things out, if possible, based on there being someone you thought you cared about all those years ago.

Whose sake would you be staying for really because it can be argued that it’s not theirs at all but mainly your own because it’s somehow easier . Well
its not.

What does he also mesn by putting duty first; duty to who exactly?. He’s not a royal family member!. If he’s blaming everyone and everything else around him
rather than himself then that’s also a problem. What’s he like re other people, is he the life and soul?. I would think he does not talk to other people with the same level of contempt .

Be brave here and make the break sooner rather than later. Your kids won’t say thanks mum to you for growing up in a miserable environment where they see see the two of you arguing every single day. What do you want to teach them about relationships abscess are they learning here?. This current model is no legacy to leave them.

It may help you to look at it this way . I was a child who grew up in a home where the parents were not happy . I went into relationships trying my best to be the best wife ignoring some c big red flags ending in an awful situation . I was anxious of men snd there reaction and not keeping them hapoy . In the end I divorced myself and had lots of counselling realising how jy childhood impacted in my low value in myself in my own relationships . Don’t do this to your children . Get a counsellor who specialises in relationships and seek legal advice before you act so you are prepared and protected as best you can .

It sounds to me as if he is very stressed in his job and he’s bringing his stress home and taking it out on you. Not good for you, or the children, but are you aware of what his work is like? Is he feeling under pressure etc.?

Thank you all. Few clarifications, I do work full time and do 90% of child related care (alongside nanny and a lot of family help). My husband is unhappy that I have chosen to work instead of prioritise things he sees as important - exercise, making sure the household is working perfectly, healthy meals (we do eat healthy ish but not always). I have a strong social network of friends and family and feel very well emotionally supported, just not by him. He is lonely and does not have any social network despite me trying to build community for our children. I am an extrovert and he is an introvert.

As has been said, you need to get out and work. Sitting at home isn't an option in the modern world.

@MaxTalk ? She does work! He’s resentful of that! Yes, he’s the third child. Men just get annoyed with everyone! I’d probably reduce my hours at work and rely on others less. My dh was similar and I stayed. I wasn’t leaving my home and he didn’t have the balls to go. Dc didn’t seem to be affected and they are now adults. We did work it out but when you work and do everything else (as you do with high earners!) it’s an extra burden when they moan. Working a bit less would give you greater freedom but only do this if you are not leaving! My dh felt his family duty was earning money. Didn’t extend to much else so I didn’t work in the end. I didn’t want to do it all so enjoyed his money in return for doing everything else!

You need to figure out what leaving might look like, and you need to talk to him. I have called a summit meeting in the past (said we both need to take a day off work to talk) and Said: H, we can’t go on like this. I see you unhappy in these ways (in our case work related) and that makes you behave in X Y Z ways which impacts me and the kids. We cannot go on like this. So do we call it a day or do we make changes? Is it you going part time? Is it a smaller house to reduce mortgage? You looking for a new job? (Might not be better.) What is making you unhappy exactly? And then talk. If you have already done that and got nowhere, then leave.

And it is not your adult that he is apparently lonely. Don’t make his issues your issue to sort out for him. you are not his mother.

Sounds like he wants you to be some sort of uncomplaining domestic what with his apparent emphases on exercise (does he do lots of this?), cooking healthy meals (when has he ever cooked anyway?) and making sure the household is working perfectly (so that he does not have to do anything either because he sees that as your job). He’s probably pissed off that you actually work full time.

Better to be on your own than to be badly accompanied.

Leave

Yep exactly this… he expects to be spoon fed and almost treated like a big fat baby… I have THREE babies already, don’t need a fourth sour one. But equally he is deep down a good person in the sense he works, he teaches the children lots of life skills, he tries to “provide” for any and all needs. He’s impatient and stressed and “never has time” but that’s because all he does is work and come home… I have tried to encourage him to do activities or socialise or exercise in the evenings but “that adds to my to do list”. It’s really exhausting for me to compensate and manage him instead of having a proper partner who wants to enjoy life with me.

Yes there is a lot of stress and pressure with his job and he also works in a toxic, unsupportive environment. But he enjoys the actual work. I do understand the stress but equally if you know that your partner (me) has taken care of any and all childcare and home workload and mental load and you can check in and check out as suits you - then when you show up, show up with a smile and engage and be joyful that your children are healthy and happy? Not miserable with a face on always? This is my fundamental issue. But equally I have a fully funded bank account to do exactly as I please. This is worth a lot. Can I live a life just doing as I wish and caring for the kids, working and then just take the good parts?

Your outlooks on life don't align dont align anymore. Think you need to look at leaving. The first post is very sad and shows how short life is. For the short duration we are here we owe it to ourselves to try to carve out some happiness for us and our children.

For what its worth, I also have a grumpy high earning husband too. Work is very stressful. We have had it out on a few occasions about what he brings home with him. He tries now to leave it at the door and to be present for me and DC when he comes home. No one's life is perfect but if he wilfully ignores the impact his moods have on the house and expects ridiculousness (exercise/perfectly cooked meals) from you whilst you work full time and take on majority of the childcare then its a no.

How does he teach his children lots of life skills when he’s not at home really in any form ?. You wrote yourself that you are doing 90 percent of child related care alongside a nanny and other family help.

You have three children, you do not need a fourth in the shape of a manchild like your h with his ridiculous ideas around duty, exercise, life admin and fresh cooked meals. You’re supposed to do all that in his head whilst he works. Even though the atmosphere at his workplace is toxic he won’t leave there because he likes the work. Work is the sum total of his life and what he provides.

Your kids will take from their childhood images of their parents constant arguing and or fighting. You’ve been miserable a long time. Be brave here and find it within you to call it a day.