Stay for the children and security, or leave an unhappy marriage

[Landes22]

Been with husband since 18, together 21 years. Three children, all 10 and under. I was a SAHM for many years, husband has a very well paid job. We have been unhappy for many many many years - constantly fighting, arguing. He is resentful of me because he believes he puts duty first and I put myself first. Obviously this is complicated and not my perspective. He tends to be miserable all the time and it is always the fault of either me, his boss, then children, his sense of overwhelm. I have a very good life financially and this gives me a great lifestyle. But I am fed up of having a miserable resentful partner. I am really frightened of separating and divorcing him due to the instability and stress it will bring to the children, and selfishly my own lifestyle being scuppered. But the children sense the tension and unhappiness. I feel sad when I see other families enjoy time together.

And please stop with trying to manage him. That was never your job either. You work outside the home too so you also provide financially as well as facilitating his career. Kids need material things sure but what are they getting from their dad emotionally?. They’re getting their emotional needs met by you instead and they come to you rather than he. These young people are not stupid and also sound travels. They have likely heard a lot more than certainly he cares to realise.

It sounds to me like you want out of the marriage, but don't want to have to get a job and pay for yourself, so are inflicting a miserable childhood on your children because you cba to work...

Can I live a life just doing as I wish and caring for the kids, working and then just take the good parts?

what a waste of life and potential - your children will not thank you or appreciate this in the long run. Life is short go live it.

You are, I can see, between a rock and a hard place.
If you leave/part it will be a huge upheaval for the children, you will have the challenge if sorting out access, you will have financial things and housing to sort out.
But ..... I promise you that having arguing parents stays with you for life. It is truly grim. And psychologically very bad.
I am sorryyou are faced with this dilemma.

You could probably live like that and take the fully funded bank account but is it fair to your children? No. They need to grow up in a loving and supportive environment, not with a father who behaves in this way. I don’t think I could do it.

Have you suggested a change of job?

I stayed with my ex for many years after the love had ended, because we both felt kids do better with their two birth parents.

However, we lived as housemates, didn’t argue, no abuse, and just got on with life and work.

uWhen the kids left home, I left. 👍

Do you not think a household where their parents fight all the time and detest one another is an unstable environment?

Do you want your children to grow up thinking we should get into and stay in relationships like this too? And that arguing is a normal way of communicating? And that their happiness doesn’t matter?

These cycles repeat themselves you know.

Leave for your children’s sake. And be very clear with them that we do not stay in relationships that are unhealthy and that make us miserable.

Absolutely leave. Build a happy life for your children for your 50% time with them, or even just neutral is better than miserable arguing all the time. Good luck OP

Stay for the kids?

Why do you think they’d want to continue living in this toxic miserable existence?

You’re living in a fools paradise if you think they don’t know what’s going on and how you both feel about each other. You are mapping out how they handle future relationships with the behaviour you’re modelling for them.

Do better.

If you stay, he could decide to leave when the children have grown. ( Or he might get his head turned before that.)

If you stay together after the kids have grown (a) what sort of a life would that be and (b) do you think the kids would want to spend any time in that environment?

Stop relying on your husband's money, start planning an independent life while you are still young

Men who earn a lot don’t see their dc. They just employ help. Why is that better for dc! This man wants his wife to do it. He’s not getting involved! She’s better off taking his money and dc don’t like being carved up like a cake either!

I think him being miserable is the worst thing in all this. That's soul draining and not sustainable. Have a serious talk with him about the miserable thing. He needs to seek therapy or take action because its valid to say that its not possible for you to stay in a relationship with someone who is consistently miserable. Or for kids to have a dad who is. Just not fair on anyone.

In a similar situation op I understand