Ex says ending our relationship was a mistake after five weeks apart

[Betty1305]

I split with my husband 5 weeks ago. We had already agreed to live separately after our blended family life situation just did not work. We were going to continue our relationship though, or so I believed. But he changed his mind after the house was sold. I felt heartbroken and I felt that he had not been truthful about his intentions.
I decided to go no contact as I knew that I’d need that to begin with. So I’ve had no communication with him at all within those 5 weeks. It’s been hard and I’ve wanted to reach out to him but I thought it would only cause me more pain.
Yesterday, out of the blue, he text me saying he had tried not to break the no contact I’d asked for but he feels ending our relationship was a mistake, he still loves me and misses me. He said no pressure and if I don’t respond then he will respect my decision.
I feel confused and torn. I still love him. But he’s hurt me, and our relationship needs a lot of work. I don’t know what to do.

Would marriage counselling be an option?

What were the reasons you originally ended up at this stage. Being 100% truthful to yourself. Was it purely down to the children’s needs (and if it was, well done for putting them first and changing the situation) or was some of it down to him / you / your relationship. If the latter then, you need to remember why you ended up here, don’t go backwards looking back with rose tinted glasses. If the former, I can understand why he would think keeping a relationship going whilst never being able to live together isn’t a good idea and you need to talk through what’s changed in 5 weeks.

I am sorry, but my guess is that he has worked out that the dating scene is harder than he thought and he wants a booty call. Was it late at night?

I think you have to put on your rational head. Look at the reasons why you felt your marriage couldn't continue. Has he addressed any of those? Words are cheap. It would be his actions which would persuade me. It's only been 5 weeks so of course you still miss him. However, the reality of dealing with children is maybe hitting home and fuelling his desire to reach out. Be careful.

What was the plan? To live apart, continue to see each other and one day get back together when the DC have grown up? What were the reasons for it not working out living together? I feel there's a lot missing from your post.

@Betty1305
I'd be wary that hes having a wobble now your situation has become real to him.
House sold, you've gone NC and he's feeling a bit scared that it all final, hes lost his support system.
Has anything changed to what lead to your split, if not I'd stick to your guns or you could find yourself in the same situation again in a couple of months.
Id be protecting myself from any potential future pain.
That said, only you know the inside details and only you know how you truly feel just be very wary ❤️

Walk away. I recently reconciled and after just 3 weeks I'm regretting it.

ETA: Realistically what has changed except you have less trust now than you used to. They say everything to get back in but that's just manipulation.

While my H was away he did an anger management course. He took responsibility and accountability for his actions. At the first argument I'm dramatic, extreme and he's the victim. Although, I'm not so terrible that he actually take on any parenting responsibilities after all he works.

Did you do a lot of housework/cooking? Could it be that the reality has dawned that he needs to do that all now and also look after his own kids? I’d be very cynical. I’m sorry. It sounds like you’re trying to do the right thing here. Stay strong and value yourself and your kids.

I just went to read your previous posts to see if they gave any more context. You posted in February when you had a kidney infection and he was being a bit of an arsehole and you were saying it was the final straw. I also learned your two sons are grown (and your H was negative towards one at uni) so it's not like it's young DC not getting on. This man doesn't sound right for you. Unless he's suddenly developed some redeeming qualities I'd tell him to do one and start the divorce process to finalise things.

This was my first thought I’m afraid.

What was the reason the blending didn't work?

I agree with pp. He wanted his freedom or he thought he had someone to go to, and it’s not worked out. Keep moving forward. Don’t go back to him, he deceived you.

I agree with the posters asking if this was a late night message...whatever he thought he had lined up dating wise has not panned out. He deceived you and I think you're well out of it.

If someone didn't get on with my children, no matter if they were adults, that would be the end of the relationship for me. If he didn't look after and care for you when you were sick and lived together, could you expect him to care for you if anything happened and you weren't even living together.. Surely the fundamentals in a relationship is to care for someone and to be kind to them and their family?

I've just had a look at your previous threads too OP - I remember couple of them actually.

I honestly think you should be very wary of reconciling. I would very much expect your previous problems would quickly reappear. His personality will be the same and you may get the caring man you need for a short period but he will soon revert to type- you said in one of your posts that he has done this in the past.

I think you have done the hard bit by going no contact with him and though it's been miserable things will get better as time passes. If you keep strong you will emerge from it a much much happier person than you were when in your unhappy marriage.

Don’t respond. I have read your previous threads

It wasn’t a late night message, it was yesterday afternoon.
My head 100% agrees with the ignore advice, but there’s a part of me that at least wants to know what he’s got to say.
The blending didn’t work due to many factors and I wanted to prioritise my relationship with my sons. Moving out was totally the right decision for me, I know that.

I was going with "He likely misses what you provide for him" but that reply ^ pinpoints the detail @Betty1305

I agree he might have liked the idea of playing the field as a single man, then found the reality is quite different. He wants to go back to what he knows, with little interest in acknowledging his behaviour or changing. If he was going to put the effort in to be better he would have led with that.
He’s wanting to have his needs met, not yours.
If you go back it might be ok for a few weeks or even a month or two. Then you’ll be back to where you were when you ended it. And have to start your healing again. I’d be saying no but it’s your decision.

He misses the work and sex you provided.

He likes to play the push pull game, just step back from him. He hasn't changed.

All the problems are still there. Talk is cheap. You've moved out and admit that it was the right decision. Your relationship is over. I would move forward with formalising the split.

there’s a part of me that at least wants to know what he’s got to say.

Why? What is there to be said? 'I really miss you babe. I still love you'. Um, okay, but the relationship doesn't work so nothing's changed. Love on its own isn't enough.

Men are generally quite happy to amble through life unless something massive comes along that encourages them to change their situation, especially to this extent. My suspicions are that you were providing a lot of support and he misses that, or there was someone else that hasn’t worked out and he wants you back for now