How can I stop my husband groping without rejecting affection?

[BoppityBoosh]

My husband wants sex ALL OF THE TIME. When I say no, he huffs and puffs, stomps around like a child and says “sorry, I won’t touch you anymore then.”

we have been married for almost 20 years with three kids. We both work full time and I am exhausted all of the time. I don’t have the same sex drive as I used to and I’m getting sick and tired of the tantrums when I refuse sex.

if we have a cuddle or a kiss - not even a snog, just a peck - he grabs my boobs or tries to put his hands down my pants. Even if we’re driving somewhere, he’ll sneak his hand over and try to touch me in between the legs. I tell him to stop and then he gets in a mood.

we do have sex - probably three or four times a month, which is fine for me but he wants it every bloody night. I’m happy with a cup of tea and a good book!

how do I tell him to stop groping me without making it sound like I don’t want ANY physical contact?! He doesn’t seem to know the difference between attraction and sex.

if we have a cuddle or a kiss - not even a snog, just a peck - he grabs my boobs or tries to put his hands down my pants. Even if we’re driving somewhere, he’ll sneak his hand over and try to touch me in between the legs. I tell him to stop and then he gets in a mood

how do I tell him to stop groping me without making it sound like I don’t want ANY physical contact?

Tell him he's sexually assaulting you, which he is. You have repeatedly told him no, you don't like it, you don't want him to do that, and he ignores you. That's sexual assault, even in a marriage.

If he can manage not to assault passers by then he shouldn't need a step by step guide as to how to be romantic or intimate without assaulting you - so don't stand for his tantrums either.

I would argue that this is harassment and a form of coercion, in that he's holding physical intimacy hostage so that you can't have a hug without him making a sexual overture.

LTB, you deserve better, even if "better" is the honest no-strings affection a dog or cat gives.

He sounds disgusting. Have you been putting up with this for 20 years????

The problem with this is that if he wants sex every day, he’ll just do whatever OP says her preferred signal is all the time.

I think you should stop avoiding saying you don’t want sex. ‘I hate being groped. It makes me not want sex. I have tried and tried to stop you groping but it’s been 20 fucking heard you haven’t cared what I want. If you grope me from now on there will be no sex for the rest of that week. Learn to ask.

I have the complete ick just reading that though, surprised you don’t daydream about stabbing his wandering gropey sleazy entitled sex hands.

Men need sex to feel loved.
women need to feel loved to want sex.
try explaining that your brain is different from his and his behaviour does not make you feel sexy.

I couldn’t live with man who did that 🤮

My ex was like this, a sex pest and sulky when he didn’t get it. It wears you down. No amount of explaining how it made me feel, made any difference, that’s why he’s an ex.

I can see how this is disappointing if he doesn't show appreciation in other ways.

Why do men think they can just grope you to turn you on?

They need to make you feel special and appreciated.

I understand if some people have different sex drives. But as a woman you need to feel wanted instead of groped.

Its like the men who send dick pics thinking a woman will get turned on by it, when infant its just so gross.

I sometimes wish I wasn't straight

But she doesn’t want sex with him. He wants it every day and she doesn’t. I don’t think she needs to change anything, it’s him.

Her question was
how do I tell him to stop groping me without making it sound like I don’t want ANY physical contact?!

that’s what I’m answering.

LTB

Im so glad my DH isn't like this because that's disgusting behaviour..if I say I'm super tired it's not a problem and we have nice cuddles instead. There's no respect of you there and after 20years that's worrying

we do have sex - probably three or four times a month, which is fine for me

So not even weekly. Whatever else, his "strategy" doesn't seem to be working.

Your husband has no respect for your body autonomy and feels entitled to the use of it even when you object. He's a sex pest who is sexually harassing and assaulting you frequently and that's also playing a part on killing your sex drive.

This is a dynamic that isn't going to change unless he does a ton of therapy and work and even then, he's likely to go back to harassing you. You can take sex off the table and talk about what he:s doing until you're blue on the face, but he's a misogynist who feels entitled here.

I think you're sexually incompatible due to his control issues and lack of respect for your body autonomy. You can have a physical checkup and go to therapy but you're very unlikely to get past that very deep seated entitlement he feels to use of your body as he wants.

Are you really asking for advice on how to stop your husband sexually assaulting you?

What you should be asking yourself is why are you still with him.

If you are married to someone who is sexually and emotionally abusing you - you call women's aid, you get an appointment to check your rights, you make plans to leave.

He is abusing you op. 😢 You know that, right?

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

what do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.
Your kids are seeing your reactions, both spoken and unspoken to their dad who is a nasty sex pest.

Would you want this sort of marriage for them?. No so why are you showing them that currently at least this is still acceptable to you on some level. I hope you have not stayed with him because of them.

That's grim OP. I think such different sex drives are a complete deal breaker, I'd be amazed if you ever got this to work.

You're making a mistake in assuming he doesn't understand. He does understand. The reason why he huffs and puffs and tells you he won't touch you again is to punish you for saying no and coerce you into sex on demand. This is manipulate, abusive behaviour of someone who feels entitled and who considers his feelings and needs as more important then yours. It has nothing to do with lack of understanding.

Communicate respectfully but openly. He needs to respect your boundaries and also take it like an adult, huffing and sulking is so off putting. He may not realise how he’s coming across and will likely be embarrassed. You could even tell him what you’ve said here, though maybe don’t mention you put it on here! It sounds like he’s frustrated sexually but he needs to find a healthier way of initiating/communicating about sex.

My ex was like this too. And I had this conversation with him. I don't think she shouldn't explain it this way but my ex's response was to say that if I cared for him I would have sex anyway and "want" to simply because I should "want" to be nice to him. My needs were completely irrelevant. Awful! He's someone else's problem now.

o nooo! My ex was like this. It made me hate him. It's him, not you. Is this what you want for the rest of your life OP?

Of course he knows what he's doing with the sulking, it's designed to make her give in. He's not sexually 'frustrated' he's trying to set up a dynamic that he can have sex whenever he wants with little effort.

He knows EXACTLY what he's doing. His strops are designed to make you feel guilty and give in. He's controlling , coercive and manipulative

Why are you still with this horrible man?

The difficulty here is if he was a half way decent person he would not NEED to have this explained to him.

Your basic problem is that he is not a half way decent person.