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Original poster

How to stop my separated husband treating the house as home

52 replies

Dizzyfloss · 13/05/2026 18:14

Hi! My husband of 10 years moved out 10 days ago. It was relatively quick, I suggested separation, thinking he'd be blindsided.... but he just said "OK", found a flat, and left.

He continues to come to do a handful of school runs and take the kids to 1 evening club.

The thing that's really bugging me is when he comes in to get the kids ready to go to school/the club, he helps himself to toast/drinks/food. He sits down on the sofa, eating food, making himself at home, leaves dirty plate and cup on sofa.

For context he now lives about 2 miles away but refuses to tell me the exact address. Refused to let his kids see it either. He says "not enough time" to eat at home before picking up kids.

When he took my son out recently, bought himself a beer but refused to buy him a drink - son went went thirsty!

I really want to discourage him coming in the house at all, but eager not to have kids see awkwardness. How can I ideally non-verbally give a signal that he needs to stop helping himself to my food and still treating it as home, since HE was the one who left us and he now has a new home?

OP posts:
Holdinguphalfthesky · 14/05/2026 07:51

I’m very sceptical that he found and moved into a flat in under a fortnight. No landlord checks, no queue of suitable tenants to be chosen over? Combined with OP feeling that she needed to blindside him, and his secrecy about the new place, I imagine he is living with someone else now and the original conversation arose because he’d embarked on the affair and launched the Script. Either way, what he’s doing now is a power play, it’s like standing too close to someone or saying things which sound innocuous but have an insulting or threatening meaning to the person hearing them.

@Dizzyfloss have you had proper legal advice? I would definitely be separating finances (taking half of anything in any joint accounts) and getting any information about his income, pension etc. Apply to CSA- he isn’t having overnights or feeding the kids, buying their clothes etc therefore he needs to pay you. Initiate divorce. But see a solicitor first.

yellowduckieswalking · 14/05/2026 07:52

OP, not being unsupportive but you do really need to look at your tactics and what you hope to achieve here. You asked him to leave, expecting him to be blindsided. Instead, he have you what you wanted, very quickly, and now you are put out.
I agree with you, he shouldn’t be helping himself to your food, and I would nip that in the bud rather quickly by pointing out that Hé doesn’t live there anymore (My STBXH behaved similarly in the beginning, and I had to put down some boundaries).

but you seem to be hurt by his moving out rather than asking to sort things out?
So, I would recommend that you to sit down and work out exactly what you want, and then to think about how best to achieve that. No tricks or mind games to try and get a shock response. Be honest and vulnerable. As you have seen, playing games doesn’t work and can backfire.

good luck.

Nopersbro · 14/05/2026 07:55

If he has already moved into a new place, the children should be staying with him roughly half the nights, so he can get them ready at his place instead of yours. If he doesn't want to give you the address, he'll still eventually have to give it to the court if it comes to that. If he's refusing to take them then make sure he is at least paying you the full max amount of child maintenance (you don't need to be divorced to claim; the fact that there are separate households is enough).

He should never have to come in to your house at all; in most cases where the split isn't amicable but people are doing their best for the children's sake there's no access to each other's living spaces. If he doesn't absolutely need to come in (and won't respect your asking him to stay out), change the locks. If he has to come in (and won't respect your asking him not to do anything in the house except what's necessary for your child's comfort and safety), make it uncomfortable for him - no food available, no plates or utensils, couch piled high with stuff so he can't sit down. Of course you shouldn't have to do any of this, but if he's trying to irritate you or punish you or assert his dominance, he'll stop when it's more uncomfortable for him than for you.

RoseField1 · 14/05/2026 07:59

jsku · 13/05/2026 19:08

OP - he didn’t leave you as YOU suggested separation.

And I presume given it’s all very recent - he is still paying for the house, and contributes to the family budget.

There is no your house in this scenario.

The house might also be his but the food isn't!!

Nearly50omg · 14/05/2026 07:59

Change the locks for a start!! Turn the tv off and tell him to get out if he puts it on!! Don’t let him help himself to food if he’s there and it would be best for the kids not to have him in the house tbh as that will just confuse them and if he’s not even feeding them
when he takes them out 🤷‍♀️😳🙄🙄and drinking when he’s got your son - assume he was driving too? I’d put a stop to the lot of it!! He doesn’t live in your house anymore he clearly lives with his girlfriend/other woman as why else is he being secretive and also how did he manage to get set up so simply and quickly?

filofaxdouble · 14/05/2026 08:03

What is the plan going forward with the house? Will you sell up and buy a smaller place on your own?

If you are separated and he has moved out then you will need CMS contributions but I think you also need to settle the question of the mortgage and what will happen with the house. Go to a solicitor.

MynameisnotJohn · 14/05/2026 08:03

Is it his house too?

U53rName · 14/05/2026 08:29

Nopersbro · 14/05/2026 07:55

If he has already moved into a new place, the children should be staying with him roughly half the nights, so he can get them ready at his place instead of yours. If he doesn't want to give you the address, he'll still eventually have to give it to the court if it comes to that. If he's refusing to take them then make sure he is at least paying you the full max amount of child maintenance (you don't need to be divorced to claim; the fact that there are separate households is enough).

He should never have to come in to your house at all; in most cases where the split isn't amicable but people are doing their best for the children's sake there's no access to each other's living spaces. If he doesn't absolutely need to come in (and won't respect your asking him to stay out), change the locks. If he has to come in (and won't respect your asking him not to do anything in the house except what's necessary for your child's comfort and safety), make it uncomfortable for him - no food available, no plates or utensils, couch piled high with stuff so he can't sit down. Of course you shouldn't have to do any of this, but if he's trying to irritate you or punish you or assert his dominance, he'll stop when it's more uncomfortable for him than for you.

Hide the remote.

jsku · 14/05/2026 08:33

@Dizzyfloss - clearly your marriage is in a bad place. Without knowing anything about how it is - it is impossible to say anything helpful.

But in a general sense - ‘we need to split up’ - is not an opening for ‘can we try to fix it’.
Pushing someone away is not a start of a conversation. It is manipulative.

Your post is not about the food he has at your house, is it. I am sorry you are in this place. It seems that your unhappiness reached a limit and spilled out. And now you are not sure what you really want.

Can you own it and have a conversation with your H about what you actually meant to say? Without the power games and expecting him to ‘fight for it’, which I also think is manipulative.

Only you know what is really going on in your relationship. And you clearly are in pain. He may be in pain as well - no stranger on MN really knows what is in his head.
All you can do is try to talk. Maybe too late, but maybe not. At least you would have tried.

NattyKnitter116 · 14/05/2026 08:42

Change the locks. Non verbal and highly effective. You won’t be able to avoid awkwardness and he may even make a scene, especially if he has form for this.
i had all this shit with my ex.
I didn’t know any better as was raised without any respect for boundaries. I had to learn.

honestly as someone 25 years on from all this, I highly recommend start as you mean to go on.

auserna · 14/05/2026 08:47

How can I ideally non-verbally give a signal that he needs to stop helping himself to my food and still treating it as home, since HE was the one who left us and he now has a new home?

Semaphore? Mime? Interpretative dance?

Realistically, you will need to talk to him.

Globules · 14/05/2026 08:50

If he's reasonable, then you can ask him to stop doing what he's doing.

If he's not reasonable then you sadly have to tolerate his behaviour until you are no longer joint owners of the property.

All the best.

MoFadaCromulent · 14/05/2026 08:50

Change the locks is fucking terrible advice btw

NattyKnitter116 · 14/05/2026 08:50

quick fix: depending on what sort of locks you have, you could put the key in the door from your side which would stop him using his.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 14/05/2026 08:57

Do nothing say nothing until the divorce is done and dusted then you can legally and easily say nope at the door - until then bite your tongue and speak to a lawyer yesterday

Thundertoast · 14/05/2026 08:58

I mean, he's obviously been having an affair. He magically found somewhere available to rent in 10 days, and wont tell you where it is or have the kids over? Probably because the kids are old enough to tell you theres a woman there....

ChocolateAddictAlways · 14/05/2026 09:09

If he's refusing to buy your son a drink he definitely shouldn't be helping himself to food and drink from the house (don't get me started on the dirty cups and plates...that feels passive aggressive on his part)

helpfulperson · 14/05/2026 09:19

Can you afford it if he stops paying the mortgage? Of course he shouldn't be eating food you've bought and leaving dishes but presumably he owns half the house, sofa and TV. It isn't as simple as just deciding you don't want him to live there any more.

MoFadaCromulent · 14/05/2026 09:27

"I told my husband i wanted him to leave and he left"

"Sounds like he's having an affair."

TheSandgroper · 14/05/2026 12:11

To stop him coming in, you need to be on the front foot.

put a tracker in the school bag if need be and you meet the car at the front gate. “Hello boys. Nice to see you. Come inside. No need for you to get out, Darren, I’ve got them now. See you on Thursday morning.”

A cheery wave and inside quick smart with the door closed. And that’s your new routine.

A minimal number of syllables to get the message across and stick to it.

AtBeaverGoat · 14/05/2026 14:40

Tontostitis · 14/05/2026 07:09

Actually it's not. She's entitled to privacy and to enjoy her home. His behaviour is abusive and he has moved out.

Show quote history

Only if she is the owner, if he is a co-owner he still has legal access to the property irrespective of where he lives

once the OP has bought him out the situation changes

AtBeaverGoat · 14/05/2026 14:50

NattyKnitter116 · 14/05/2026 08:42

Change the locks. Non verbal and highly effective. You won’t be able to avoid awkwardness and he may even make a scene, especially if he has form for this.
i had all this shit with my ex.
I didn’t know any better as was raised without any respect for boundaries. I had to learn.

honestly as someone 25 years on from all this, I highly recommend start as you mean to go on.

^^ this is , of course, terrible advice and unlawful unless there is some kind of court order in place or could be called an illegal eviction with criminal and financial penalties

🙏don’t change the locks

Tontostitis · 14/05/2026 14:51

AtBeaverGoat · 14/05/2026 14:40

Only if she is the owner, if he is a co-owner he still has legal access to the property irrespective of where he lives

once the OP has bought him out the situation changes

Show quote history

The legal situation is pretty uneforvable if he's bullying her. Eating her food and leaving a mess would be seen as bullying and he'd have to go to court to get access back to the house. It's thrown around on Mumsnet all the time that 'its illegal' well yes but only technically, practically you can change the locks and there's not much he can do

AtBeaverGoat · 14/05/2026 15:07

Tontostitis · 14/05/2026 14:51

The legal situation is pretty uneforvable if he's bullying her. Eating her food and leaving a mess would be seen as bullying and he'd have to go to court to get access back to the house. It's thrown around on Mumsnet all the time that 'its illegal' well yes but only technically, practically you can change the locks and there's not much he can do

Show quote history

Changing the locks is terrible advice 🤦‍♀️ of course, he would be entirely within his rights to have them changed again, give her a key and charge her for the privilege, & it ends up in court her behaviour could be called unlawful

the best option would be to ASK for the key back but allow as reasonably necessary

alwaysunderpar · 14/05/2026 16:52

Nopersbro · 14/05/2026 07:55

If he has already moved into a new place, the children should be staying with him roughly half the nights, so he can get them ready at his place instead of yours. If he doesn't want to give you the address, he'll still eventually have to give it to the court if it comes to that. If he's refusing to take them then make sure he is at least paying you the full max amount of child maintenance (you don't need to be divorced to claim; the fact that there are separate households is enough).

He should never have to come in to your house at all; in most cases where the split isn't amicable but people are doing their best for the children's sake there's no access to each other's living spaces. If he doesn't absolutely need to come in (and won't respect your asking him to stay out), change the locks. If he has to come in (and won't respect your asking him not to do anything in the house except what's necessary for your child's comfort and safety), make it uncomfortable for him - no food available, no plates or utensils, couch piled high with stuff so he can't sit down. Of course you shouldn't have to do any of this, but if he's trying to irritate you or punish you or assert his dominance, he'll stop when it's more uncomfortable for him than for you.

"He should never have to come in to your house at all"

It is both their houses, not just hers!
And she is not allowed to change the locks.

She either sells or buys him out. TBH any solicitor would tell him to move back in, and she can't stop that.

I would love to see the comments if the genders were reversed.