Finding friendships over 50 so hard and changing!

[Pippaandme]

Hello! is it just me or are friendships either hard work or maybe there is something wrong with me?

I am questioning lots of things here 😃....Im in my early 50s and my old friendship groups have changed and I really struggle to make new ones, I often wonder if its because I dont really drink or enjoy that social aspect alongside drinking many of my other friends do enjoy.

I had a best friend, since I was 25, there were x4 of us always going out, but we grew apart 4 years ago, due to her new husband, his drinking, her drinking and her lifestyle was so different to mine. I miss her as a friend but I felt we were too different in the end, they all still go out heavy drinking and weekends away.

I then joined this lovely lady's group near me but ended up being so clicky and 2 ladies were real bullies where a majority of us ended up leaving as it was becoming uncomfortable at times being there. Those 2 bullies are still there and many of the girls have now gone, such a shame!

I have the odd friend here and there I see but its always me reaching out to them to organise something and felt one sided and put on me to organise which I dont mind but would like to hear from them too.....

I have a passion for sport, running, tennis and love my dog and walking. I use to be a member of a running club, but since 2 years ago I had an injury and met my lovely fiance so havent had a chance to go back plus its mainly male dominated now arghh!!! 😩

So Im a bit lost, any suggestions where you guys have met new friends, over 50?

My partner has all his from his school days, ones he has met locally who always like a good natter and beer with him too, but unless i have a glass of wine or into fitness, etc I am worried I come across boring . I do love other things too, theatre, spa's you know, the usual girlie things!!

I met some lovely girls in the old running club, we shared loads in common, but they have now moved away with their jobs or new partners. So wondering what else to do or look at? Suggestions or help re friends as a whole would be lovely 😆Im starting to think is it me??😅

There are quite a lot of women who would be taken aback if someone suggested a girlie get-together. However, you are trying to find kindred spirits so it's probably best you do you.

Thank you

Youre very perceptive. This is interesting, seen from a deeper perspective, (Ill be doing psychology, after all, can`t resist lol) this shows how easy it is, to get crossed wired in communication or just a word or someone make associations or it means something else to someone, something that was innocently said. It is interesting phenomenon. And how easy projections fly because of it. Or upbringing, anything. Someone said it is rare we actually hear what is really being said.

In psychology we often repeat back what we hear- or the other does- is this what you mean? I hear this, is this how it is? to avoid these things.

Off topic, but it's very much to do with how women are socialised.

One of the worst crimes we can commit is to have the audacity to age. That, along with women being more highly valued for youth, is why some women will infantilise & cutify themselves even into their 50s & beyond, in the way that men just don't. There's no stigma surrounding calling yourself a man, but there certainly seems to be something scary (and ageing, shock horror) about the word 'woman'.

I started calling myself a woman at around the age of 20, because I was factually no longer a girl. A young woman maybe, but even then I found it ridiculous to keep calling myself a girl.

That would be me. When I hear that it's nails down a blackboard for me. Same for 'girl's night out' or mentions of nights out with 'the girls'. The only women I've come across that use this language are those who are fond of doing their nails or going to beauticians, fashion and going out for fancy cocktails, with lots of selfies. Fine to have the occasional chat with but I felt I had zero in common with them.

Me neither. Im way far away from that kind of behaviour. I would be more interested in why a person use the word girls. I really cant say anything about them unless I know their thought and intent.
I happen to look young, like 25 when I am 54. I dont fit in that way in my own bracket. Neither am I married or have kids and live by myself. It is a long story behind that. nothing to do with me. I am also very independent. I love my freedom. We are not as obsessed with marriage kids and status or single or not where I come from. We usually live very independent, equal and like a free spirit individual. Generally speaking. So it could be I dont fit in and neither do I want to never have. I think as long as someone is kind and nice that is okay. Everything is judged on intent.

Someone I am friendly with (in a group but we don’t really keep in touch outside the group) says ‘girlie weekend’ etc. she really is a lovely lady (aged 50 so a bit younger than me) so no shade, but I do find it very grating! I’ll say (ironically) ‘the ladies’ but we are def not ‘girls’ at 50+!

OP, l don't think it matters if you refer to girly stuff etc, as you said you don't actually use that expression outside of this post.
To meet others l would definitely go back to your running group and also join Meet up and see if there's anything there that appeals. A friend of mine has also made lots of friends just out walking her dog so that's worth a try. Maybe a group class at your local gym as you enjoy sporty stuff?
I would also catch up with the women that were in the group you mentioned and who left due to some unpleasant members. Good luck, there are lots of women out there in the same boat so do hope you find your tribe.

It’s not just that PP though - I have a wide friendship circle, women and men of all ages; many of my women friends dislike women being referred to as girls. My younger women friends particularly don’t like it.

Obviously, you do you. But it doesn’t
mean others won’t find it irritating.

Maybe a dog - walking group? Have a look on Meet Up.

But equally many do.

I suspect it is a bit like those people that object to being called 'love' or 'duck' or 'bab' or insert your own local phrase, vs those who realise the intent behind it is to be friendly and welcoming / comforting.

Whichever side you fall on, I think the point is, if you are person looing to make new friends, maybe you shouldn't immediately rule someone out because they might use a different word from you in a similar situation.

You're not alone. I'm going to try archery next 🙄

I love that idea, sounds really fun, I bet you meet interesting people there too!

I would say the need to sit down and have a clear communication about diferences and how we best can meet in the middle, and about feelings and thoughts, transparency, to come to mutuality and a good communication, there comes a point rather at the get go than later where it is necessary. It is an art to be clear,transparent and open about what is going on, and same time ask to meet in the middle. But it is important for both parties to have thoughts and needs met. How can we ever if we dont have a sit down. It could be a Id like to.. how can we best meet in the middle.. what is your thoughts.. I like this and come to an agreement. And or, how can I best help you, and you help me kinda thing.

I prefer women to be described as women too. I tend to meet friends through my hobbies.

Padel tennis is becoming huge , clubs and courts opening everywhere because it’s played as 4 it’s incredibly social very easy to mix with people and especially if you have previously played tennis you will be at great advantage.
Church groups and charity volunteering, I help at a food bank