Finding friendships over 50 so hard and changing!

[Pippaandme]

Hello! is it just me or are friendships either hard work or maybe there is something wrong with me?

I am questioning lots of things here 😃....Im in my early 50s and my old friendship groups have changed and I really struggle to make new ones, I often wonder if its because I dont really drink or enjoy that social aspect alongside drinking many of my other friends do enjoy.

I had a best friend, since I was 25, there were x4 of us always going out, but we grew apart 4 years ago, due to her new husband, his drinking, her drinking and her lifestyle was so different to mine. I miss her as a friend but I felt we were too different in the end, they all still go out heavy drinking and weekends away.

I then joined this lovely lady's group near me but ended up being so clicky and 2 ladies were real bullies where a majority of us ended up leaving as it was becoming uncomfortable at times being there. Those 2 bullies are still there and many of the girls have now gone, such a shame!

I have the odd friend here and there I see but its always me reaching out to them to organise something and felt one sided and put on me to organise which I dont mind but would like to hear from them too.....

I have a passion for sport, running, tennis and love my dog and walking. I use to be a member of a running club, but since 2 years ago I had an injury and met my lovely fiance so havent had a chance to go back plus its mainly male dominated now arghh!!! 😩

So Im a bit lost, any suggestions where you guys have met new friends, over 50?

My partner has all his from his school days, ones he has met locally who always like a good natter and beer with him too, but unless i have a glass of wine or into fitness, etc I am worried I come across boring . I do love other things too, theatre, spa's you know, the usual girlie things!!

I met some lovely girls in the old running club, we shared loads in common, but they have now moved away with their jobs or new partners. So wondering what else to do or look at? Suggestions or help re friends as a whole would be lovely 😆Im starting to think is it me??😅

Seems odd to miss out on social time with friends, because you choose to use a different words from someone else though.

I met up with 'the girls I went to school with' last month, and am going out to lunch with 'the girls from work' next month. I'm in my 60s (school friends obviously the same, ex-colleagues include someone in their 90s, most 80s and all are very happy to meet 'the girls' from {inset name of where we worked}

I suspect this is a you problem.

ah ok I hear you, no i have never used this in front of others just on here 😃

And thats fair enough, my mum is 76 and goes away on girls weekends, but this is more yoga, theatre and loves it, she always says to dad, right off with the girls this weekend,😅 so depends on what you like I guess, everyone is different! the girls who are in their 60s go away with their girlie friends too as they call it, just a phrase they always use, but if it doesnt sit with you then we all have our own thoughts on things and views, not too sure how old you are but I dont think it matters how old you are as long as you do what makes you happy with friends 😄

totally agree 😁

this is true too, re family/elder parents, I get that completely, I also get the less drama too 🙂

People happy sitting in I def find wont commit to things. Its hard. My friend enjoys theatre etc so she great to go with. Feel people are flaky these days in general

I’m a similar age and the most boring when it comes to going out as I don’t drink and have to be very careful what I eat!

Luckily I have some longstanding friends who work around this - easier for me to meet for a simple lunch/coffee/cinema/walk etc.

My newer friends are from recent jobs. No-one is fussed on the pub really now, we’re all low key!

I am always up for meeting people but I find 50-55 a funny age as we’re likely empty nesters so haven’t got that ‘school-run mum’ social life anymore, but too young for retired person pursuits!

Im in a small book group (of 4). Mainly we catch up on our lives and talk about the book for 5 mins!

If you’re sporty that’s good, I’m not so that’s out of the question!

It's not an anyone problem. Some women like being referred to as girls, others don't.

Hi, Im sorry to hear all this. I can relate, it IS harder, when you are a bit older. I have an issue with looking very young and living "timelessly" despite being early fifties. I came to Uk and moved in with my boyfriend, who turned out to have physical and mental health issues, no fault of his own, he did his best, but he broke down and hes just coming and going, putting me on hold and doesnt and cant have a relationship other than we have despite living together being together for twenty years.
Were a bit quirky, deep and neurodivergent and Im from Scandinavia and do not really like drinking and dressing off myself like I see here. I wasnt raised that way, I have healthy interests, nature, animals, walking, art, music and a lot more, I need to get back to gym which I plan to. I love exercise, dont have much tennis gene but I have always been good at basket ball and volleyball, and I love american baseball. I like cooking, getting back to healthy, my cat, I love animals and use to ride horses, travelling is fun too, very good at music, singing and art. I use to do martial arts. So many things. Naturally when you move countries you have to start from scratch, I had to start from scratch with everything and english people are very hard to get to know. It was different in Scandinavia, I keep contact with them, but here there is really noone, so I would like to get some friends too. Oh and I am a christian with emphasis on spiritual. I can have a glass or two, but thatts it, never been my interest and not raised that way, and I have health issues that prevent as well. Being a good person and morals is important to me and in others. We need more unity and be there for each other. Im in south Manchester. I don`t care where one lives, it is not about that. Reach out if you like.

I think that is true that people have become more flaky in general, although there are of course those that are not as always. I think people are more stressed and pressured these days, and worried about things, and the media and phones, have you not seen everyone sitting just with their phones, and not really talking to each other anymore? can it have something to do with that. I`m not like that, not raised like that. I am raised we sit down with a meal and really talk. A real meal not micro. But I think media and social media contributes a lot to the problem. People become more self.

I agree . My lifelong friends are still great but I also have a local friendship group and these are where the cracks are . Out of 8 of us 3 have mental health issues creating tensions , all are flaky saying they will come to an event a then cancelling last minute . The dynamic can be great but on a bad day quite fractured . I can only tolerate this because I have the backbone of my lifeline friends and these are my priority , the local group I can enjoy when I want but they aren’t central to my life .

I can see this, I know what a strain it is, when someone can't show up. Even though best effort and no fault of their own. Question is how we can compromise and make it easier for everyone

I find the whole concept of trying to make friends or being part of a ‘friends group’ a bit odd … at any age. I’m late fifties. I have old friends that I’ve had for decades and I’m continually meeting new people. Some become friends … some will always just be acquaintances. One has become a very close, loved and trusted friend. But it all happened organically. I’m a member of an art group (because I love the medium we practice), I’m a member of a sea swimming group (so we meet every day), I sold a property to the person who is now a very dear friend … none of these things were undertaken to make friends - that happened as a byproduct of me enjoying things that make me happy in life.

Absolutely agree @TheDevilWears

Which is why many of us suggest, on all the regular 'I have no friends' threads, going out and doing things you enjoy, and not 'going out to look for a person to be my friend'.

This is an interesting feminist debate. I’ve noticed greater use of the word ladies in social groups of my age but I think it’s a term of respect in that context. Also we have to be careful of denigrating ‘girlie things’. I am firmly a woman not a girl and in some contexts will call this out if used to refer to a grown woman in conversation and will act confused asking ‘Are you referring to a child?’ on purpose.

so its more yourself who doesnt like to be referred to as girls which is fair enough thats your opinion and thoughts 🙂

very well put, this is so so true

that is a good question where is the compromise indeed and it gets to the stage where as we are good people/consistent its down to us to do all the leg work at times it feels! I still keep on trying and reaching out and sometimes they do, other times they dont and when I do leave them along for longer they sometimes come in randomly but one is going through health issues so I respect her boundaries too, its just hard when you want that lovely female companionship isnt it!

Absolutely. I always say to choose things that you will enjoy and which will enrich your life, and which you would enjoy even if someone pulled out a crystal ball and told you in advance that you wouldn’t make any lasting friends from whatever it is.

And to think about the kind of people you’re drawn to, and what you yourself bring to a friendship. People are individuals. Everyone’s not going to like everyone. Some posters on ‘I have no friends’ threads (not the OP here) are very ‘I have a friend-shaped hole and no strong feelings about who should fill it, apart from them being available for coffees and spa days etc’.

Especially when you’re older, friendships don’t work like that. You’re a person with an existing life, tastes, opinions, interests, availability etc, and so is everyone you meet. You need to be a match on enough of them to become friends.

I keep busy. I met my friend last night we both 50s. She said she wouldnt have time for new friendships now. Its not easy though. I did a school reunion thing but it drifted off. The girl was lovely. It was a one off

Friendships do change life evolves its difficult when it happens.
I don't drink as much as we did in our 30s and 40s im 51 now I think Im in a peaceful stage feeling fresh and looking after health .
Keep making tiny steps you will meet your people eventually you're doing all the right things x

I moved to a rural community at 59. I went to the village committee and AGM and at it volunteered to join
the Committee.

I also joined a local book group and through it met lovely women who invited me to join a pilates class, a yoga class, a mindfulness group and a lake swim group. I have lovely friendships there now which I allow to evolve slowly and little of it revolved around alcohol. I the past month we've been to the local theatre 3 times and the cinema once. I feel blessed.

Join things and you'll find your folk!

3 years later I'm Chair of the village committee and secretary of another community group. No other volunteers rather than a burning desire to be in charge of stuff.

I have the problem that when I am out and about in what ever setting from work to social, I do not have a problem to connect with likeminded or just people I connect with, they do not either, but what happens is is nothing when I initiate and we exchange details mentioning to catch up or do something, or I contact them, to have either no interest at all or no reply. At all. Ever. And I can assure you that no fault of my part, we got along fine. Every time. Nothing to detect, at all. I have not experienced this at the country I am originally from(Sweden). At least not before I moved away. To the contrary, this never happened before. I have thousands of numbers by now. I am not joking. And I like to add I have not added any pressure in any form either. I have even mentioned just a brief meet up. None. zero. One even had the same kind of interests like me, and agreed to maybe do something like that together. What happened, I contact and that person did everything to get out of it. I did not push. I was very casual. SO I haven`t succeeded in having ANY friend AT ALL in UK! I mean it! I have almost given up at this point. Even on meet up groups.

Like I said, I havent had this problem before in my own country. I am nice, kind,friendly, no hygiene problems or behaviour problems. I am honest and upfront what I am like, nothing unusual. I try to treat everyone like I would like to be treated. I have even had this behaviour in churches. I am at the point I dont know what to do at this point.

I’ve noticed some groups in my life have changed of late actually — I don’t like reading posts where people say things like “because peri” and blame everything on hormones, but equally I have some friends who seem
to have really doubled down on their quirks since we reached that age and in a group it can become a challenge.

I also dislike the term girls (although I wonder if it is to an extent a bit of a classist thing — at work the PAs and admin staff still call each other “girls” in a way the professional staff never would). I wouldn’t use it but it wouldn’t for a second put me off getting to know or socialising with someone. Seems a bit short sighted tbh.