Can't cope with dh depression

Username87654 · 2026-05-12T18:30:48+00:00

My dh has always struggled with depression on and off over our 12 years together, but it's been managed with antidepressants and some therapy. He'd previously been self medicating with alcohol and marajuana which I told him had to stop. The therapy really helped with this but he just can't stick to it. He also has adhd, so when he's not depressed he's bouncing off the walls and honestly im really struggling. I'm also going through menopause so my tolerance is running low! I just don't know how to deal with him. He comes in from work and goes to bed, doesn't eat, is losing weight, doesn't want to go to work (he's self employed), doesn't want to do anything. He was going to call the doctor today but hasn't. I just cant help him any more. It's getting worse. I feel like I have to leave for my own sanity. I've told him this which has obviously only made him worse. I don't know what im looking for here, just getting things off my chest. Seeing if anyone has had a similar experience?

AlphaApple · 12/05/2026 19:36

No direct experience but you are right to look after yourself. He’s not committed to his own recovery, he doesn’t deserve your support.

Do you have children?

Villanousvillans · 12/05/2026 19:39

Put yourself first and separate. Life is too short for you to waste your time. This man is not helping himself, why should you help him? 💐

Kardelen · 12/05/2026 19:39

I don’t know how I can help you, but just came to say I am going through similar things.
my husband has anxiety/depression which one minute he denies, another minute tells the whole world he has it… but doesn’t seek therapy or medicines. Focuses on herbal things which clearly does not help.

does he do any chores at home? Mine also has adhd ( I suspect, but not diagnosed). What do you mean he bounces of walls?
does he jus can’t keep still and wants to always do something? And at times doesn’t want to do anything?

Original poster

Username87654 · 12/05/2026 19:51

No children together but we both have adult children.

@Kardelen yes that's exactly it. One minute he's 100 miles an hr doing things, cracking jokes, talking to everyone. The next he's in bed, in a bad mood, creating an atmosphere.
He doesn't do many chores, I've always just done it as he worked more hours and I was at home more. Not so much these days as i work more.
Sometimes if I ask him to do something he gets moody .
He's not adhd diagnosed but definitely has it.

OP posts:

Kardelen · 12/05/2026 20:01

Username87654 · 12/05/2026 19:51

No children together but we both have adult children.

@Kardelen yes that's exactly it. One minute he's 100 miles an hr doing things, cracking jokes, talking to everyone. The next he's in bed, in a bad mood, creating an atmosphere.
He doesn't do many chores, I've always just done it as he worked more hours and I was at home more. Not so much these days as i work more.
Sometimes if I ask him to do something he gets moody .
He's not adhd diagnosed but definitely has it.

Yes the same! Except he doesn’t even crack jokes with me anymore, apart from certain people. He has unfortunately broke down his relationships with others, as others kept he needs to try harder to get better. So he’s moody 99% of the time while with me. And all we speak about is his health ( has health anxiety) as does not want to talk about anything serious as he labels that a negative.
but he keeps saying he needs to keep doing something to distract himself from his depressive thoughts - but I recall he wanted to do things non stop even before he got depressed. I don’t know, I am sooo exhausted.
I feel guilty as we have small children, and he can’t enjoy the time with them. But I also can’t, because I’m always walking on egg shells. Housework & work is on me, plus kids pick up drop offs- as he says he can’t manage them due to his anxiety/ pain. He says he has a lot of pain

Kardelen · 12/05/2026 20:03

I feel you, really do. Hope things get better for us soon. Hope is the only thing I am
holding on.

Notachristmaself · 12/05/2026 20:11

My husband is the same. I have told him I want to separate. He spends all day watching YouTube videos of Green Party/Socialist commentators. Nothing else.Our marriage is dead as a result of his depression and his unwillingness to help himself. I am basically his carer and have resigned myself to being in that role at least until my children have left home. I have made a plan to split the house in two and will set up my own space so we can live separately but in the same house. As his carer I have a spreadsheet of tasks I get him to do every day, and I remind him to call the doctors etc, but I just can't wait to have my own space and boundaries once we are officially separated. The situation is affecting my physical health as well as my mental health. I have started getting migraines again after many years and have developed IBS. My children basically have one reliable parent so I cannot afford to have poor health.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/05/2026 20:12

Alcohol acts as a depressant.

If he has not formally been diagnosed with ADHD i would not assume he has this. Regardless of whether he has adhd or not you do not have to live like this. You still have a choice re this man.

SpiceGirlsNeedAComeBack · 12/05/2026 20:13

Sounds like bipolar.

Original poster

Username87654 · 12/05/2026 22:09

SpiceGirlsNeedAComeBack · 12/05/2026 20:13

Sounds like bipolar.

Yes I've thought that over the years. Sometimes he tells people he's bipolar but he's never actually looked into it

OP posts:

ButterYellowFlowers · 12/05/2026 23:15

Bouncing off the walls or depressed? Are you sure he’s not bipolar?

ButterYellowFlowers · 12/05/2026 23:15

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/05/2026 20:12

Alcohol acts as a depressant.

If he has not formally been diagnosed with ADHD i would not assume he has this. Regardless of whether he has adhd or not you do not have to live like this. You still have a choice re this man.

Alcohol being a depressant means it depresses your nervous system… aka stops it working properly. It doesn’t mean it makes you depressed.

Original poster

Username87654 · 14/05/2026 23:23

He's gone!

He woke up yesterday morning declaring that he wasn't going to work ever again, no one appreciated him, he's sick of trying to please people etc etc.., he put his work diary in the bin, got a bit angry and so I left to go to work .
I came back a few hours later and he was gone. He had taken some of his things, put his car up for sale and im assuming has gone to his daughters. He does this from time to time.
I haven't heard from him and am not really sure what to do. To be honest I don't feel like doing anything, the atmosphere at home is so much better!

OP posts:

Notachristmaself · 15/05/2026 08:39

Bloody hell lock the door and tell his daughters to deal with him!

MegMortimer · 15/05/2026 08:42

The more you write, the worse he's sounding. Frankly, if you've tried to accommodate him and he's not helping himself, I would look to split up. You get one life, why have it ruined by him?

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 15/05/2026 08:49

Now's your big chance to get rid of him and start enjoying your life.

TheLadyofMisrule · 15/05/2026 08:53

Leave him, OP. He's a lost cause but you're not.

I feel for his poor daughter.

Original poster

Username87654 · 17/05/2026 08:32

Hes coming back this afternoon and im already getting anxious.

I don't know how it's going to go, what mood he's in now. I've only had a couple of messages since he left on Wednesday.

I know I need to end my marriage but it will be the hardest thing I've ever done. Help me stay strong !!

OP posts:

Heraldry · 17/05/2026 08:50

Life is so damn short, you deserve to spend yours in peace not walking on eggshells. Do you feel cherished and respected? You deserve to. Keep repeating this to yourself. I hope today goes okay, don’t let him guilt you in to anything.

CheeseAndTomatoSandwichWithMayo · 17/05/2026 08:51

Please get away from this man. You must look after you.

UpDownAllAround1 · 17/05/2026 09:24

have someone with you when he comes back.

NameChangeMay2026 · 17/05/2026 09:37

Username87654 · 12/05/2026 19:51

No children together but we both have adult children.

@Kardelen yes that's exactly it. One minute he's 100 miles an hr doing things, cracking jokes, talking to everyone. The next he's in bed, in a bad mood, creating an atmosphere.
He doesn't do many chores, I've always just done it as he worked more hours and I was at home more. Not so much these days as i work more.
Sometimes if I ask him to do something he gets moody .
He's not adhd diagnosed but definitely has it.

This sounds like bipolar disorder, the going 100mph and then crashing. There are meds specially for bipolar, but it depends if you or your husband ever told the doctor about the manic episodes. My exH had dreadful depression, and I insisted on seeing his psychiatrist and counsellor myself at the start, because people "under the influence" of their own mental illness don't/can't self-report accurately.

Anyway, what you describe is classic bipolar, so he may need a mood stabiliser, either in addition to or instead of the anti-depressants.

NameChangeMay2026 · 17/05/2026 09:55

Username87654 · 14/05/2026 23:23

He's gone!

He woke up yesterday morning declaring that he wasn't going to work ever again, no one appreciated him, he's sick of trying to please people etc etc.., he put his work diary in the bin, got a bit angry and so I left to go to work .
I came back a few hours later and he was gone. He had taken some of his things, put his car up for sale and im assuming has gone to his daughters. He does this from time to time.
I haven't heard from him and am not really sure what to do. To be honest I don't feel like doing anything, the atmosphere at home is so much better!

This is typical of bipolar. Please get him mental-health assistance asap. Sounds like he's in desperate need of more appropriate meds. Doing impulsive things like giving up his job and putting his car up for sale are typical of a manic episode. And it sounds as if it's getting worse, which it would be since it's untreated.

Don't give up on your marriage just yet - if his behaviour is due to illness, the right meds will transform him. PP saying he's awful and to leave him do not understand bipolar or how the right meds can totally restore the real person under the illness.

Next thing, he'll be back and will be so low he'll spend a week in bed. Such are the highs and lows of bipolar.

It's essential that he gets help for this. Either he does so, or you divorce. No more of this "not looking into it". Look where that's got you.

Good luck!

ididabigfatsmelly · 17/05/2026 10:06

Good luck

Original poster

Username87654 · 17/05/2026 12:56

NameChangeMay2026 · 17/05/2026 09:55

This is typical of bipolar. Please get him mental-health assistance asap. Sounds like he's in desperate need of more appropriate meds. Doing impulsive things like giving up his job and putting his car up for sale are typical of a manic episode. And it sounds as if it's getting worse, which it would be since it's untreated.

Don't give up on your marriage just yet - if his behaviour is due to illness, the right meds will transform him. PP saying he's awful and to leave him do not understand bipolar or how the right meds can totally restore the real person under the illness.

Next thing, he'll be back and will be so low he'll spend a week in bed. Such are the highs and lows of bipolar.

It's essential that he gets help for this. Either he does so, or you divorce. No more of this "not looking into it". Look where that's got you.

Good luck!

Edited

Show quote history

Thank you. There is a big part of me that is worried for him and I want him to get the help. But there's also a big part of me that has had enough. When I look back I realise how much his moods have affected absolutely everything.

He is on a low dose of antidepressants but they're not working, hes been on them for many years.
He won't talk to the doctor. He thinks that cannabis makes it better but as far as I can see it just makes it worse.
I think the reason he went to his daughters was that he can smoke cannabis there.
He just won't listen to me anymore.

OP posts: