Can't cope with dh depression

[Username87654]

My dh has always struggled with depression on and off over our 12 years together, but it's been managed with antidepressants and some therapy.
He'd previously been self medicating with alcohol and marajuana which I told him had to stop.
The therapy really helped with this but he just can't stick to it.
He also has adhd, so when he's not depressed he's bouncing off the walls and honestly im really struggling. I'm also going through menopause so my tolerance is running low!
I just don't know how to deal with him. He comes in from work and goes to bed, doesn't eat, is losing weight, doesn't want to go to work (he's self employed), doesn't want to do anything. He was going to call the doctor today but hasn't.

I just cant help him any more. It's getting worse. I feel like I have to leave for my own sanity. I've told him this which has obviously only made him worse.
I don't know what im looking for here, just getting things off my chest. Seeing if anyone has had a similar experience?

It's not your job to fix him, OP. He's an adult and perfectly capable of getting himself to the GP.

His misery isn't your jailor too.

i had to throw my bipolar boyfriend out as he was making me so sad. he was so nice but then so nasty. pure evil. for nothing, like me bringing him a cup of tea and i’d get shouted at at growled at.

So i said get on meds or get out. He said he was fine so we split. he subsequently went back on meds and was ok again. i’d never date another bipolar guy.

your guy just needs meds. if tell him if he’s not prepared to look after his health he can stay at his daughters. permanently. i’d also phone her and tell her he needs to see the gp.

i dont want to alarm you but when people plan suicide they sell all their stuff (cat etc) or give away possessions and make plans to end it….

Well, that's the thing, isn't it. If the person with the illness won't go on the correct meds, it's a deal-breaker.

And it's not just about going on meds. They need to recognise and accept that they are ill, and then commit properly and seriously to treatment. They also need to accept that treatment is lifelong. One thing that people with such disorders commonly do is go off their meds, because they 'feel better.' I cannot tell you how often my exH did that, and his behaviour deteriorated quickly each time.

I am sorry for you. Without patient compliance, there's very little hope. If he can't take his condition and his treatment seriously, of course you'll have to break up. The stress of my exH's condition would have driven me into an early grave if he hadn't got help. Nobody knows what it's like to live with a seriously mentally ill person who is unmedicated or partly medicated. I doubt anyone could do it longterm. The sheer hostility and moods and temper, omg, I don't like to remember it. Yes, his moods affected absolutely everything when he wasn't on treatment. After he left (due to other things), I cannot tell you the utter peace and bliss.

I wouldn't date one again, either. The hostility towards me was off the charts. People who don't know this illness think it's about the person being down and blue and weepy. It's not. They change into a threatening monster who hates your guts. It makes them very aggressive. I'd rather live in a nunnery for a thousand years than date someone with those problems again.

BTW OP, I also have ADHD and have never bounced off the walls. That's the bipolar. ADHD is about executive function. It doesn't send you manic.

It may take divorce for your DH to learn that he is ill and he must commit to lifelong treatment or ruin the rest of his life as well as his marriage.

He came round yesterday. He was defensive from the start, as i expected him to be.
He absolutely refuses to accept there is anything 'wrong' with him. Everything is my fault.

Hes not depressed he's upset that I don't give him enough love/affection, that i didnt text him to make sure he was ok , that I just don't accept him as he is, I want to label him.

Anyway he's gone back to his daughters for now and was talking about finding somewhere else to live.
This morning I get a text that he wants to move back in, it's his house etc.
I havent replied .