Disclosing genital HSV1 when dating is getting me down

[CollectingAllTheACEs]

Just posting to vent I suppose after another rejection...

I recently reconnected via online dating with someone who I met a couple of years ago and always been attracted to (he used to come into the place I worked). We matched and seem to have been getting on well, it looked like things may turn physical so I had to take a deep breath and...

Tell him that 14 years ago my long-term boyfriend gave me HSV-1 (same as oral cold sores) but genitally. He had the beginnings of a cold sore on his face and gave me oral sex - neither of us knew that transmission like that was possible. Since then I've had several short-term and long-term relationships and always disclosed - I'd say 95% of the time they were happy to go ahead given my explanation - I take medication to suppress outbreaks, use condoms, and listen to my body. Of course I would never have sex during an active outbreak (it happens maybe once a year, twice at most) and have never transmitted it to anyone.

He thanked me for being honest but decided not to take the risk. Totally his prerogative but it's really disheartened me as this is the third time in a row this has happened now. I know of other people who also have it who don't actually disclose anymore, and some doctors advise it's not necessary. The facts are:

• More than 1 in 5 people worldwide have HSV1 or HSV2 genitally
• Of those people, more than 80% will never know because they will never have symptoms (so you could be sleeping with them anyway...)
• It's not routinely tested for during an STI screening
• Even with enhanced screening, the blood test isn't always reliable as accurate diagnosis depends on active symptoms
• Taking all the precautions I do, the risk is <0.1%

It does feel right to disclose on a moral/ethical basis but it's really getting me down. How many people out there are in relationships with a positive partner who will never know? It just makes me feel so depressed and almost dirty when it's something completely out of my control. (Ironically I was quite promiscuous when I was a lot younger yet my only experience of an STD is from a serious partner!)

I’m afraid that even though it makes you feel down, you have zero choice in the matter re whether or not to tell them.

Of course you need to disclose. How would you feel if a sexual partner had an STI they knew about but didn’t let you know so you could make a personal choice!

It doesn't matter what other people do. You know you have it and you have an ethical obligation to disclose. That's part of consent.

Funny how even though you’ve not suggested you were thinking of not disclosing, all you’re getting is unsympathetic replies.

People are weird about it. I bet people who have oral HSV-1 don’t warn every single person they kiss, if they’re not having an outbreak.

Yes, you do need to disclose, ethically speaking.

Besides, if you ever wanted a long term relationship, then you'd definitely need to disclose before sex, or they'll likely feel betrayed that you withheld that from them, even if they would have been okay with the HSV itself.

I'm sorry that you've had several rejections in a row, but as you said, most people so far have been okay with it, so it must just be a run of bad luck.

As an aside, I'd let any future partners know that if they already get HSV-1 on their face, it's pretty well impossible to get it on their genitals. So even less risk! I hope things look up for you soon.

I wouldn’ t snog someone if I had a cold sore. Would you?

I think there was the implication that they are considering not telling and backed this with reasons why this was okay including doctors advice and anecdotes.

It's hard to be honest but that's what sets people like you apart, OP. You are honest and you will find someone who will return that favour. It's worth the wait.

Yes, as pp said, it sounded like OP was trying to put forth an argument to justify no longer disclosing it, as she's feeling so disheartened right now.

And I certainly would tell anyone before I kissed them, were I ever single again and dating. Why would I not?

It sounds like OP is justifying the decision to not disclose, hence the responses.

Would disagree they are unsympathetic as not disclosing at STI to a sexual partner is a really shitty thing to do.

Just to clarify I'm not suggesting in any way, shape or form, that I stop disclosing. I could never live with myself if I transmitted it to someone who didn't know - I'm naturally an anxious person but it would completely eat me up to put someone through what I've gone through because I wasn't honest.

I was using that argument to highlight how many people have probably slept with someone with genital herpes who either didn't know they have it, or didn't disclose they have it. Someone I know has only ever had one outbreak and never disclosed - she has a long-term partner now and has just had a baby and I suspect has never said I word the whole time.

I guess I feel down because I'm a huge believer in honesty (I'm ASD as well so very black and white) yet it keeps backfiring on me.

@Smoothquark I think the PP was referring to kissing someone who gets cold sores but doesn't have an active one; it's no different to avoiding sex with a genital outbreak but I bet people don't disclose they've ever had an oral cold sore before they kiss...

@OtterlyAstounding I've had a long-term relationship since and obviously told him and he wasn't concerned, it just feels like people may now not think they are able to deal with it, unless I just have had a run of bad luck

I feel your pain. Whoever gave HSV2 to me either didn't know they had it, or didn't tell me. And it could have been one of several back in my wild youth when I was too silly to take precautions (happy for us to get very naked and for him to put his penis in me but too embarrassed to ask him to use a condom 🙄). There's a real tension between how common it is to have it and how scared people are of getting it - both sides completely understandable.

It definitely put me off dating and I also had a mixed reception, including from DH who had a big think. But obviously that turned out well.

There are dating sites for people with HSV I think, if you wanted to consider that route.

You are doing the right thing.

I’ve never had one - but I said if they’re not having an outbreak. Do people who’ve ever had a cold sore really tell everyone this if they’re thinking of kissing them? Idk but I wouldn’t have thought so.

Have you seen this OP https://herpes.org.uk/

So much useful information here.

That genuinely wasn’t my read of it, although I accept I’m in the minority. I read it as not enjoying the rejection (because who would!), especially when the chance of transmission is so low. But I didn’t get a feeling of “they’re stupid so I might just stop telling them” or whatever.

I agree. I didn't sense any malintent either, which is great.

What’s your point @PlimptonInSummertown ? That the Op shouldn’t have to tell?

My point was that all anyone said was that she must must must tell, when she hadn’t suggested that she was even considering not telling people. The thread was immediately derailed by that.

But to be clear… you do think the Op should always tell people don’t you?

I’m not going to join in the pile on for something the OP never even said she was considering not doing?!?

I mean she shouldn’t steal either, but that also has nothing to do with her post. Nobody seems to be able to get past HSV to discuss her feelings with her.

A “pile on” - really?

ok so thankfully it would seem you do think she should always tell people. Phew

Well done for saying it you are doing the right thing . I would imagine it is not easy and loads of people in your position probably don’t say anything and what you have been doing is respectful and considerate .

What an odd line of questioning to take with a random person on the internet.