Disclosing genital HSV1 when dating is getting me down

[CollectingAllTheACEs]

Just posting to vent I suppose after another rejection...

I recently reconnected via online dating with someone who I met a couple of years ago and always been attracted to (he used to come into the place I worked). We matched and seem to have been getting on well, it looked like things may turn physical so I had to take a deep breath and...

Tell him that 14 years ago my long-term boyfriend gave me HSV-1 (same as oral cold sores) but genitally. He had the beginnings of a cold sore on his face and gave me oral sex - neither of us knew that transmission like that was possible. Since then I've had several short-term and long-term relationships and always disclosed - I'd say 95% of the time they were happy to go ahead given my explanation - I take medication to suppress outbreaks, use condoms, and listen to my body. Of course I would never have sex during an active outbreak (it happens maybe once a year, twice at most) and have never transmitted it to anyone.

He thanked me for being honest but decided not to take the risk. Totally his prerogative but it's really disheartened me as this is the third time in a row this has happened now. I know of other people who also have it who don't actually disclose anymore, and some doctors advise it's not necessary. The facts are:

• More than 1 in 5 people worldwide have HSV1 or HSV2 genitally
• Of those people, more than 80% will never know because they will never have symptoms (so you could be sleeping with them anyway...)
• It's not routinely tested for during an STI screening
• Even with enhanced screening, the blood test isn't always reliable as accurate diagnosis depends on active symptoms
• Taking all the precautions I do, the risk is <0.1%

It does feel right to disclose on a moral/ethical basis but it's really getting me down. How many people out there are in relationships with a positive partner who will never know? It just makes me feel so depressed and almost dirty when it's something completely out of my control. (Ironically I was quite promiscuous when I was a lot younger yet my only experience of an STD is from a serious partner!)

Hi op, you don’t have to tell new boyfriends it’s genital but you can just mention in passing you get cold sores occasionally so youll only cuddle him if you feel own coming on if he’s never had a cold sore but if he’s had one before then he’ll be fine. He can’t expect access to your vagina without snogging surely.

Just use a condom, surely that means there’s no risk to them, so you wouldn’t have to disclose? If you are having unprotected sex then you need to stop, you are going to get another std. If you want unprotected sex make them have a std test first.

@Mayflower282 condoms don't provide protection because the sores can develop outside of the area that is covered by a condom - and it's spread via skin to skin contact. Screening for HSV isn't included in NHS GUM clinic standard checks - you usually need to request a private blood test as they will only test via NHS if you have active symptoms

I don't get them orally and never have done - it would only impact if we were to have sex

Totally agree with you about telling partners and I wasn't accusing you of saying it's shameful. I meant the pharma companies created the feelings of shame around something which most people have in some form or another and was treated as a commonplace 'just one of those things' thing before.

Yes - I was gonna say my friend had genital herpes and said the blisters were the most painful thing she'd ever experienced! She was off work with the pain... It's not really about stigma, I don't want to risk having that

Separate to my last comment though, I do think it's a bit harsh of someone to stop seeing OP once they disclose it - particularly when it's such a widespread disease. Yes they might want to avoid catching it but OP seems pretty sensible so the chance of catching it from them seems almost nil

Would everyone who ever had a cold sore really disclose it to a potential partner before getting into a relationship?

I respect you for being scrupulous about honesty but I was thinking of an alternative that isn't dishonest but would spare you from revealing this sensitive information unnecessarily.

Once you are next at the stage where it seems sex is soon to be on the cards, why not have a general hypothetical conversation about STDs. (I think that is a conversation people should have anyway.) You would find out how much he knows about herpes, the risks and how he feels about them. If he seems likely to recoil at the thought of having sex with someone who has it, then you can end the relationship without ever disclosing that you have it.

@Lurkingandlearning that sounds like a good suggestion on paper (on screen?) and I would of course always have the general conversation anyway even though I would use protection with a partner - unfortunately most people seem to be quite ignorant of anything to do with herpes so I don't know how I would then maybe suggest they go and do some research without it becoming majorly obvious why I've mentioned it!

I have HSV2 but on my skin not my genitals. It is a horrible illness. But the stigma is also dreadful. If you think HPV actually causes cancer and yet no one discloses whether they have it or not and of course you can’t ‘see’ it (if you could I imagine it would be an issue!). HSV has the stigma because it’s visible and because there is no cure.

I think it's more that those 5% have all been the most recent people I've connected with. Maybe it's just a coincidence...