Is our relationship fair? Am I missing something?

[frozennile]

Hi everyone, looking for some opinions as I'm struggling to see the wood for the trees.

My (M40) wife (F41) have a 4 year-old daughter and a dog. We both work from home, me full-time and she has Fridays off with the kid.

We split the household chores as follows:

Me: Cooking / dishes / kitchen cleaning and tidying up, laundry, nursery drop-off and pick-up, bins, bathtime, all overnight get-ups (since she stopped breastfeeding), 3/4 of the dog walks (2 per day), finance management, ordering groceries, car stuff, house and garden DIY, one-off major physical jobs, about half the nursery and school admin.

Wife: Bedtime stories, ordering clothes, anything dog related eg vet stuff, buying things online for the house and for the kid, birthday presents for other children, watching the kid while I cook (we only allow an hour of TV every other night max) or run on a Sunday morning, swim and dance class bookings, other half of the nursery admin

She also tells me she does 'all the cognitive load stuff'.

She goes to a gym class on Monday nights, yoga on Tuesday nights, and dog agility training on Sunday late morning.

We have a cleaner once a week.

I believe we split the childcare evenly in terms of solo time with child.

My question is really - what am I missing here? I feel like I'm doing really quite a lot and I'm always on my feet. In addition I'm responsible for about 3/5 of the household income so need to keep on top of my work (I run my own business). Do I just not understand the cognitive load thing? When I ask her about it she gets very defensive ('oh you're accusing me of not pulling my weight again') and it's hard to have a sensible discussion.

I'm basically concerned I'm being a stupid man and not understanding something.

Under what circumstances is this conversation coming up?

Yes needs more context to understand why you're asking and why she might be defensive. Do you secretly think you're doing more?

Sounds like a normal balance to me, sometimes it's probably more her doing life maintenance, sometimes it's you. What's the context 🤔

It doesn’t seem to be a secret that he does more than she does

If what you say is true, I don’t think your wife is pulling her weight. And I suspect she knows it, that’s why she is getting defensive when the subject is raised. It depends on HOW the subject is raised though.

So give us a breakdown of a typical day. So while you cook, who has baby? When you do bath etc what does your wife do?

You are getting a raw deal. Would you consider leaving?

Maybe have discussion/agree what she will pick
up on Friday’s when kid at nursery/school

DH and I must be odd, we just do what needs to be done. If one persons tired the other will do it. I find it odd people put ordering clothes, buying house stuff etc as a chore . It’s life. Anyone can do it. We both work full time running a business .If i know he’s had a bad and busy week I’ll do more at home so he can decompress and he does the same for me, Is there a reason you can’t split cooking cleaning and bath time?

Exactly the same in our marriage..I never understand how these become issues. Working together is getting on with what needs done and doing extra as and when other needs a break or lighter load for a bit

I’d say you’re doing more yes. Ordering clothes and household stuff, that’s an odd thing to have listed a chore. All this cognitive load stuff I find very odd, I mean its just called normal life isn’t it. Why not split some of the drop offs and cooking more evenly, and you pick up some of the so called cognitive load tasks. Here you’ll just get told its even as you’re a man, but it’s not is it.

Who changes beds,vacuums house etc?

If your dw does just what you've listed and you do what you've listed then she's lazy and needs to do more.
Have a chat with her and when she gets defensive ask her to write down what her cognitive load is.

Have a conversation with her and maybe both make lists of what you each think both of you are doing including carrying the mental load for a task (eg DH cooks sometimes but I have shopped and planned; we both cook but I carry the load). Be upfront: I’m feeling overwhelmed/ like it’s unfair; let’s see what each of us is doing and if we can balance it better (be open about in which direction) and/or look at what we can outsource. Take into account energy levels too: my DD has CFS and there is no way she could do all the things I do. I also have less energy than DH, and so we need to be up front about that. From what you’ve written it does sound like you are doing way more than her but if you want a good conversation about it with her that doesn’t descend into a row you need to approach it with a “how can we make this work for us” attitude rather than a “you should be doing more.” It’s a busy season of life and IME many couples have both partners feeling like they are doing too much and more than the other. This is how resentment breeds, so please address it. Throw in a kid (or two) with a chronic condition/ lots of hospital appointments/ unable to attend school and/or one or more frail elderlies needing support/ having crises and it will get a lot worse if you don’t both feel you are on the same team and doing the best you can. You should both feel you have each other’s backs regardless of how the labour is actually divided.

Hard to know from lists like that. It sounds like you're doing a lot of the household stuff, but like you're wife is probably doing a lot of the considering what your DC needs as she ages (like I say it's not clear from the list but things like classes, clothes, presents for other kids, aren't at all consistent, they constantly morph and need thinking about to get the best for your DC).

Who was on top of applying for school (and by "on top of" I mean who knew when the application deadline and knew how to get on with it)? Who is aware of when vaccinations are next needed? Who knows what your DC should be practicing to be ready for school? Who knew what milestones to look out for to make sure there weren't any concerns that should be brought to the attention of the health visitor or GP? etc. These are the sorts of things I'd think of as cognitive load for a family with a pre-schooler. It's ever changing. So if she's the one doing all that sort of thing, she may be right (or, as AlasIsUnderused said, you may both be stretched a little too thin and feeling unsupported).

If your list is accurate, she’s doing bugger all. Definitely not a fair split.

You are definitely doing more. She won’t talk about it in case it changes!

As a list yours looks longer, but what does it look like time wise? As you say you do all cooking and dishes, but she's the one watching the child while you cook and then doing bedtime? So it sounds like she's also busy watching the child- is she having other time sitting around while you work or is she doing more watching the child while you do more tasks? Can you take turns where you watch the child and she cooks instead?

Why don't you share the financial admin?

What leisure activities do you do and how often?

Did she do all the nights while breastfeeding?

Can you tell me how much free time you have a week and how much she has. Away from baby and dog.

It was after I handed our daughter for bedtime and found myself cleaning the kitchen and doing the laundry again, and just think how I do it every single day and haven't ever had a break from it!

I'm just quite exhausted never getting a break from physical housework. My wife's bar for being overwhelmed seems to be lower than mine - any stress at work or tiredness results in her needing a Sunday in bed or early night or whatever, so when I bring up housework it's like 'seriously you're asking me to do more even though you know I'm struggling?'. I don't know what I can do about her work, jobs are hard to come by and she'd be taking a big risk resigning but she seems so stressed all the time. I also get frustrated that if it was the other way round I'd be told to suck it up and get on with it (I have raised my own work challenges in the past but she tends to be dismissive in light of her own - 'try being a woman' and so on)

I would love to swap for a week and see the difference. I have an information gap on how difficult life maintenance / cognitive load is.

When I cook either my wife plays with our daughter or she watches some TV. If she's not watching TV she likes to draw or play tea party with teddies etc.

When I do bath my wife lies on the bed on her phone. I don't know what she's doing, probably a mix of useful tasks like ordering clothes and facebook (she's often on it)

Well I love her so I don't want to do that. I want to fix the situation but I would like her to do it willingly rather than be forced. It is starting to feel like she doesn't respect or appreciate my efforts.

The workload is uneven. If you're doing all that every day and she isn't, she is taking advantage.