Is our relationship fair? Am I missing something?

[frozennile]

Hi everyone, looking for some opinions as I'm struggling to see the wood for the trees.

My (M40) wife (F41) have a 4 year-old daughter and a dog. We both work from home, me full-time and she has Fridays off with the kid.

We split the household chores as follows:

Me: Cooking / dishes / kitchen cleaning and tidying up, laundry, nursery drop-off and pick-up, bins, bathtime, all overnight get-ups (since she stopped breastfeeding), 3/4 of the dog walks (2 per day), finance management, ordering groceries, car stuff, house and garden DIY, one-off major physical jobs, about half the nursery and school admin.

Wife: Bedtime stories, ordering clothes, anything dog related eg vet stuff, buying things online for the house and for the kid, birthday presents for other children, watching the kid while I cook (we only allow an hour of TV every other night max) or run on a Sunday morning, swim and dance class bookings, other half of the nursery admin

She also tells me she does 'all the cognitive load stuff'.

She goes to a gym class on Monday nights, yoga on Tuesday nights, and dog agility training on Sunday late morning.

We have a cleaner once a week.

I believe we split the childcare evenly in terms of solo time with child.

My question is really - what am I missing here? I feel like I'm doing really quite a lot and I'm always on my feet. In addition I'm responsible for about 3/5 of the household income so need to keep on top of my work (I run my own business). Do I just not understand the cognitive load thing? When I ask her about it she gets very defensive ('oh you're accusing me of not pulling my weight again') and it's hard to have a sensible discussion.

I'm basically concerned I'm being a stupid man and not understanding something.

I think I've explained the facts pretty clearly. It's not in my interest to hear what I want, I need an outside perspective. I have some good ones here - it seems like roughly 75% feel I've got too much in my pile, and 25% think it's balanced (with a small minority believing I deserve all the work for being a man).

In defence of ‘the kid’, I commonly refer to mind as ‘child’… 😂

Yea but this post refers to her and “the kid” like the OP has no connection or feelings for the child. Might as well call them “it”

Do you really compare your marriage to a board meeting with structure and spreadsheets and listed tasks? Fuck me she must be bored stupid

@ohyesidoi really don’t think we can make that judgement from the information we have.

Why are you calling your child ‘the kid’

OP, I have never asked myself if my relationship was 'fair.' I think it is probably an impossible and unnecessary calculation to make. It does, however, feel like a partnership, most of which is joyous, fun and something I'm really lucky to have, in my opinion. If I thought he was calculating what he was getting out of it, and believe me he loves a spreadsheet so it isn't unthinkable, then I would be a bit heartbroken. I hope we are much more to each other than half of the domestic/childcare load. We try to ensure the other one has enough rest and fun to be happy and fulfilled.

What you are describing here is more like a job share than a marriage. Perhaps outside the question of who is doing more there are times you all spend together having loads of fun and this hasn't been reflected in your post. I hope so.

On the face of it it looks like you are doing more than your fair share but in the interests of balance perhaps we aren't getting the full picture on the cognitive load. Personally, I would much prefer to do routine tasks like cooking, loading the dishwasher, clearing up after tea than what I would classify as "congnitive load" tasks. I have 3 DCs (who at one point were at 3 different schools), animals and a sizeable house that we have fully renovated...my DH used to really underestimate the amount of stuff I did behind the scenes to support the life we had. Is she just "buying bits for the house" or is she decorating a whole room? Is she "taking your kid to clubs" or is she trying to forge social connections with other mums so that you have other people to rely on if you need help with pick ups/drop offs? Does she buy a few presents or is she the one buying presents at Christmas for ALL your family members and well as her own, and coming up with gifts for everyone else to buy for you and your child and making sure all of them are thoughtful and wanted? Does she just go to agility classes or is she the one ensuring your dog is properly trained? Sometimes all this stuff which can seem like minutia isn't straightforward and there are decisions to be made if you want to do it all properly. Don't get me wrong, perhaps she is making mountains out of molehills and spending ages agonising over tasks that you might have taken a tenth of the time to do - if I told DH to buy a new armchair for the living room he would go into a shop and buy the first one he saw if the price was right whereas I would spend hours looking for the perfect armchair, and even more hours choosing the fabric and the colours, and then waiting for the sale to get it at the best price. I suggest you sit down with her and really get to the bottom of what she means when she talks about cognitive load and why it is overwhelming her - maybe she's not lazy, maybes she's just a perfectionist, or the sort of person that overthinks everything. I think this is something you can sort out with some talking.

Divorce your wife and marry your cleaner !

Without making a judgment on how fair your distribution of labour is, I want to point out that making the list you want to be provided with IS the cognitive load. It's the checking you've got everything covered, keeping alert for changes, noting down in advance when things need to happen, looking at all the options well in advance so that when the time comes you're in a good position for making decisions and then monitoring how well its going and making adjustments. Your kid is new to both you and your wife. She doesn't magically know any of this any more than you do. You make it sound like she's got on top of this and stayed on top of it and you've swanned through without thinking about it and take it for granted.

This may or may not apply to you but it's something to consider - research has shown that in general even when men take on cognitive tasks they take on the shorter aspects with more social reward leaving the drudge work of it to their female partners. So for example, they may help make a decision on which school/nursery/etc. to send the children too, but the will be unlikely to have done the research far in advance that means they know they need to apply x years ahead if they want y. They may visit places but won't have kept track of the nurseries (or other childcare options) that are available, or the application dates or entry criteria. They take on decision making but not the anticipation or tracking. And they tend not to monitor how well things have worked to inform the next iteration.

Your wife is taking the piss saying ordering clothes is a daily chore she does 😂🤣🤣🤣🤣 once every few months or so is all that’s needed!!!

Any ad-hoc cleaning or tidying - which is mostly the kitchen

Ummm, this isn't a realistic assessment of what is done in a home on a daily basis. 3 people and a dog make so little mess in the house that it can be left to a once or twice a week cleaner. Or do you have a daily?

In my house there is one adult and one small child 1/2 of the time. And it takes me at least half an hour a day (sometimes more) to stay on top of it. Today I've done about 45 minutes worth and it's not that tidy although it is sort of clean from the going over I gave it yesterday.

So either you're doing it, or she is, or you live in squalor between the cleaner's visits. Some people do. But I'm not house proud OR particularly meticulous and I can't live that way.

Even if you both had an exact 50/50 split between cognitive and physical responsibilities, you have to take into account that people aren't the same and have different capacities. Some people get overwhelmed by less than others. Some people have seemingly bottomless energy reserves in comparison. What matters most is that neither one of you burns out or becomes resentful because there's too much pressure to "keep up" with the other's unrealistic expectations. You might not understand exactly why she's exhausted by parenting/working/household chores because you don't experience it yourself, but that doesn't mean you can't accept the differences between you.

I found and applied for nursery before our child was born. I did all the school applications and onboarding forms. I visited six schools in the area (wife joined for 4, and it was a joint decision). I even visited one of them twice to make sure about some stuff. I also arranged and was present for home visits with a specialist care worker when our daughter was flagged as autism risk by the nursery (has since subsided). I book the doctor and take her when she’s sick. I chose a bike for my daughter and taught her to ride it.

Sure there are many more tasks that need doing, some of which I do and many of which my wife does too.

To suggest I have ‘swanned’ through the last 4 years says more about your assumptions about men (which you go on to state) than it does about anything I described in my original post. I am simply interested in whether one partner doing all the physical home labour is considered fair (which many seem to believe it is)

I notice you haven't replied to the posts asking how much free time either of you have, without child or dog, every week.

Nor have you responded as to whether she might possibly need to see her GP as low iron (which many women suffer from but not all have the same response to) can cause fatigue, listlessness and lack of motivation. It might be a good place to start the discussion.

Why don’t you swap lists for a month and see how each other feels about it? Would be good for you to get perspective on what each other actually does and how demanding it is

So with the cognitive load comment, with all your jobs does she remind and tell you what you need to do and when. Eg if it’s bedtime does she have to tell you which PJs to put on and whether it’s a hair wash night, with cooking does she tell you what do Make and what you need and how to do it, with nursery admin does she sort through what needs to be done when and then you send an email after she requests?

of she’s not doing stuff like that, then you’re doing the mental load not her for your list

I had tried not to put my money down on what side or the other in terms who is doing more. From what you've said the daily tasks seem very stacked on your side of things. The "swanned" comment was based on your comments claiming ignorance of what the mental load is, sorry if it bit unfairly. I didn't go on to state my assumptions about men, I went on to state what research has found about men in general in regards to the mental load.

I am wondering now, though, why you claim that ignorance, since you've clearly taken at least some of it on?

me too. If you looked at those fair plays a cards and said i don’t believe this thinking stuff so that hard , why didn’t you ask how many of those tasks would equal cooking and cleaning up dinner and can we swap? I live in a house where every single non food family thing has been planned by me even if I sometimes made my husband research and buy item x that meets these specifications. He’s bought his travel coffee mug and the chocolate shaker we use with the coffee machine. Say to her I commit to having a present for every kids party our kids are invited to, wrapped with a card a week before the party. Then do it. Approx 6 weeks before your child’s birthday put together a thoughtful list of presents, consult her and then research and buy in time for shipping or getting to shops to not be constraint. Why is 3/4 of the dog walks on your plate but you left out 1/4 of the dog walks on hers and dog training seems to be in her hobby and free time basket?

But equally the op's jobs carry their own mental load if we're going to break them down in to forward planning and considerations.

Cooking / dishes / kitchen cleaning and tidying up

• meal planning
• what do we have in the fridge
• the mince is going to turn in a day or two so i better use that up, I'll make cottage pie. Do we have peas and potatoes.
• update the shopping list

-what do we have for the rest of the week

• have I taken out anything that needs to be defrosted

-little billy said he doesn't like carrots anymore so i need a substitute

• do we have dishwasher tablets and abti bac spray? They're a quarter left in each i need to remember to order more

laundry
What activities are on tomorrow for the kids
Do we have detergent and softener
Are there any free racks
DS has a birthday party in 3 days so i better get the outfit in the wash today to make sure it's ready
He's going to scouts at the weekend so might need a change of clothes
What's the weather forecast, i need to make sure we have suitable clothes changed and dried

nursery drop-off and pick-up,

Are there any forms that need to be signed

Etc
Etc
Etc

Rinse and repeat for being in charge of the shopping, car maintenance, DIY and finances

I'd have the ops list as way heavier on the mental load, not to mention way more labour intensive, and running of the house compared to vaccines and the seasonal using of wardrobes

I love my partner but I would be eternally grateful if he did close to what you are doing. It’s the reverse for us

could well be a cultural thing - I've worked with a few Indians any they have referred to 'the kid' - I too found/find it strange.

Looks like you do more judging from your post. Cognitive load would mean knowing what your DD needs everyday in her school bag, correct clothes on the right day for PE etc. organising parents evening slot, booking family trips and holidays , buying gifts and writing cards for birthdays etc. arranging care for DD during school holidays inc. taking days off work.

This seems to be a point of disagreement here - some feel that the task of choosing clothes or a present is highly involved, and must be done to a certain standard (my wife is very particular about clothes and is somewhere in the middle on presents).

If it were me doing it I'd probably do as you suggest, but maybe this isn't good enough. It's a question of values but I feel it's hard to justify saving time on tasks like this so you have more time for other things - especially when your other half doesn't think those things are as important (recent examples that have been criticised in the moment: going to the shop for condiments for dinner, going for a run, taking my daughter to choose some plants, getting the car washed)

I am sorry Op but a lot of these posts are ridiculous - it is obvious you are carrying way more of the load than your wife is and if this post was reversed everyone would be saying how much more your wife does and you need to step up! If she is lying on the bed looking at Facebook that is not work and isn't for anyone's benefit but her own! Buying clothes/presents is not a day in day out chore which cooking/cleaning/washing, etc, is! When you child goes to school what will she do on her day off? You can bet it won't be housework or anything that benefits you! People are choosing to defend her for some reason - probably because you are a man - when it is very obvious that the load is unfair. Even if she is more easily tired or stressed by her job, your work longer hours than her, carry more of the financial load and do far more in the house - it is totally unfair. I hope you find a way to resolve this as I feel for you - you should be tired and stressed!