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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Weaponised incompetence

73 replies

FryingPam · 10/05/2026 21:22

Childcare of our toddler is 90% on me, although we both work. Today was one of the very very rare occasions where I left DS with my husband for some me-time. I came home at 9pm, toddler still wide awake although his usual bedtime is at 7. Husband thought it was a good idea to put him for a second nap at 5pm, so he probably won’t sleep until midnight now. Our flat looks like a battlefield. Food on the floor and everywhere. Now my relaxing day off has caused me more stress because I’ll spend the next two hours trying to get my toddler to sleep followed by 2 hours cleaning the flat. It just wasn’t worth it. I can’t help but think that this is weaponised incompetence so that I just give up on taking time for myself and don’t ask him to look after his child again.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 10/05/2026 21:24

I’ll spend the next two hours trying to get my toddler to sleep followed by 2 hours cleaning the flat.

If you do that you've got no one to blame but yourself.

BIWI · 10/05/2026 21:25

No, no, no! You go upstairs for a nice bath after your lovely day out and LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND TO DEAL WITH THE MESS!

Don't be a martyr and try and deal with it yourself. That's what he's waiting for.

OhCrikeyWhattodo · 10/05/2026 21:27

He’s hoping you’ll conclude it’s not worth it and not repeat. Go to bed and leave him to settle the baby. Refuse to clean up the mess. Just leave it. If you cave now and just make a fuss and then paper over, it will only get worse. Trust me I’ve been there.

Nickyknackered · 10/05/2026 21:27

What she said! Of course it will work if you let it.

Incidently DH and I just both do it. He does the things I hate and I do the things he hates. I can act as useless as him if I want at things like organising insurance....

Namechangetheyarewatching · 10/05/2026 21:36

Yep, his mess let him sort it

FryingPam · 10/05/2026 21:38

Unfortunately he’ll leave for his gym session tomorrow early in the morning and then go to work while I work from home, and sooner or later I’ll have to clean up.

OP posts:
Nickyknackered · 10/05/2026 21:45

FryingPam · 10/05/2026 21:38

Unfortunately he’ll leave for his gym session tomorrow early in the morning and then go to work while I work from home, and sooner or later I’ll have to clean up.

Why?

G5000 · 10/05/2026 21:46

why isn't he cleaning up right now? And if he can't, well he will need to skip the gym then.

This is not incompetence, this is punishment.

FryingPam · 10/05/2026 21:49

G5000 · 10/05/2026 21:46

why isn't he cleaning up right now? And if he can't, well he will need to skip the gym then.

This is not incompetence, this is punishment.

Now he’s too exhausted because he was looking after a toddler all day, the poor man…

OP posts:
BIWI · 10/05/2026 21:50

So? You leave it. You deal with anything that directly relates to you or what you need, and then you leave the rest for him.

Stop being a doormat.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 10/05/2026 21:52

Divorce this twat and go for 50:50. If you try to train him to look after his own child, as previous posters suggest, either he will act more incompetent until you give up, or things will get better for two weeks and then revert, and after a few cycles of this you will give up. His parents should have trained him already, it's not your job to train him. You've got a child to parent, don't waste your precious time and energy parenting him too.

BIWI · 10/05/2026 21:52

It's called 'weaponised' @FryingPam because he's using it as something directed AT YOU.

So you need to fight fire with fire. You know he's not a stupid man (I assume?!) and he's doing it to make a point about him being more important about you and your needs.

Don't let him.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 10/05/2026 21:57

BIWI · 10/05/2026 21:52

It's called 'weaponised' @FryingPam because he's using it as something directed AT YOU.

So you need to fight fire with fire. You know he's not a stupid man (I assume?!) and he's doing it to make a point about him being more important about you and your needs.

Don't let him.

It's not worth the battle, she should just leave.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 10/05/2026 22:04

If he has the energy for the gym in the morning then he can skip his session & tidy up instead.

Confuserr · 10/05/2026 22:06

FryingPam · 10/05/2026 21:38

Unfortunately he’ll leave for his gym session tomorrow early in the morning and then go to work while I work from home, and sooner or later I’ll have to clean up.

Going to the gym is optional and tidying up isn't...

Walig54 · 10/05/2026 22:14

Go out more often. If you are able leave the mess for him, even if it's for days. Or get a cleaner to come in and do a Spring Clean, leaving him to pay the bill!

Marycontrarygarden · 10/05/2026 22:15

FryingPam · 10/05/2026 21:49

Now he’s too exhausted because he was looking after a toddler all day, the poor man…

He said that!? Wtf. What did you say?!

Marycontrarygarden · 10/05/2026 22:17

FryingPam · 10/05/2026 21:22

Childcare of our toddler is 90% on me, although we both work. Today was one of the very very rare occasions where I left DS with my husband for some me-time. I came home at 9pm, toddler still wide awake although his usual bedtime is at 7. Husband thought it was a good idea to put him for a second nap at 5pm, so he probably won’t sleep until midnight now. Our flat looks like a battlefield. Food on the floor and everywhere. Now my relaxing day off has caused me more stress because I’ll spend the next two hours trying to get my toddler to sleep followed by 2 hours cleaning the flat. It just wasn’t worth it. I can’t help but think that this is weaponised incompetence so that I just give up on taking time for myself and don’t ask him to look after his child again.

He doesn't even know his own baby's nap schedule, he's no kind of Dad.

Endofyear · 10/05/2026 22:19

Tell him to clear up the mess after he's put your toddler to bed. Don't fall into the trap of sorting out his mess - you're making a rod for your own back if you do!

G5000 · 11/05/2026 07:47

when you have been taking care of your toddler, do you also leave a battlefield and just walk out, because you're tired? Maybe next time you should.

FryingPam · 11/05/2026 07:49

Marycontrarygarden · 10/05/2026 22:15

He said that!? Wtf. What did you say?!

He didn’t, this was my interpretation of the situation. He was even too exhausted to talk….he laid on the sofa eyes half closed and only managed one-word replies.

OP posts:
notthatoldchestnut · 11/05/2026 07:50

You’re expecting to carry on with your normal schedule with an enhanced workload due to your husbands inaction. Don’t do that.
today, you should not be tidying up. Go out for the day. If you work from home, make sure your office/work area is tidy, and ignore the rest of the house. When you husband comes home, point him in the direction of everything that needs tidying up and tell him to get on with it.

don’t be a wet blanket and accept this bullshittery

ShetlandishMum · 11/05/2026 07:52

FryingPam · 11/05/2026 07:49

He didn’t, this was my interpretation of the situation. He was even too exhausted to talk….he laid on the sofa eyes half closed and only managed one-word replies.

Why are you in this relationship?

Wolfiefan · 11/05/2026 07:53

Well if he is too tired to clean up after himself then he will have to miss the gym and do it then. Don’t deal with his mess. He’s a grown up.

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