Weaponised incompetence

[FryingPam]

Childcare of our toddler is 90% on me, although we both work. Today was one of the very very rare occasions where I left DS with my husband for some me-time. I came home at 9pm, toddler still wide awake although his usual bedtime is at 7. Husband thought it was a good idea to put him for a second nap at 5pm, so he probably won’t sleep until midnight now. Our flat looks like a battlefield. Food on the floor and everywhere. Now my relaxing day off has caused me more stress because I’ll spend the next two hours trying to get my toddler to sleep followed by 2 hours cleaning the flat. It just wasn’t worth it. I can’t help but think that this is weaponised incompetence so that I just give up on taking time for myself and don’t ask him to look after his child again.

He should skip the gym and tidy

You are a willing participant in this.

Lady, what he did there is called "acting".

Goddammit, have a fight with him, a massive row.

Do not meekly start picking up after him.

You have identified his weaponised incompetence so call him out on it, don't let him nap.

If you give in and let him get away with not tidying up, or if you give in and let this behaviour stop you going out, then he's going to keep doing it, making your world smaller and your burdens bigger, instead of being a team.

Don't be a martyr, stand up for yourself.

any update this morning OP?

I have to say it again, it is not incompetence. If looking after the toddler really was so exhausting he couldn't also tidy at the same time, he would have done it afterwards, or told you so sorry for the mess, he will do it in the morning.
But no, he just left it, I bet waltzed out to gym this morning and left all the mess for you to clean.
This is punishment for going out and expecting him to parent. Meant to prevent you getting such ideas again.

This. I would not be able to talk to him yet alone live with him. I could not find a man like that even remotely attractive, it is total disrespect to you and he cares not a jot.

Omg, this would give me the ick big time. If you tidy up for him you're simply telling him it's okay because you'll do it for him. What exactly do you get out of this relationship?

Of course he knows, he knew exactly what he was doing when he decided to put the child for a nap at this time. He just thinks the benefit to him of getting the afternoon off and outweigh the massive inconvenience to op of dealing with the consequences.

Quite honestly he should be embarrassed. Too tired to put the child to bed, tidy up, speak?? I am afraid he needs to do what other adults do and… get on with it.

Why do you do 90% of the childcare?

I honestly don’t even understand how this is a thing in 2 parent families.

You both have a child and so you both look after it equally.
The same with housework and cooking etc everything is 50/50.
The only time it’s not 50/50 is if one works more hours than the other but on the weekends it goes back to 50/50.

You need to stamp this out now.
He is a grown adult and a parent, just like you.
If you can figure it out, then so can he.

I agree with everyone…I’m rather disappointed with him not stepping up and doing his part after our baby was born (a child he desperately wanted). He does love him and engages with him, but the actual work doesn’t get done. I don’t know if I can force him, sometimes I just have to do it myself because our child needs proper meals, clean clothes etc. I had to do some basic tidying and cleaning this morning because I needed to have breakfast with our toddler, and I also can’t really let him wade though food mess on the floor from yesterdays dinner. Maybe I am enabling my husband, but I need to put our child first and do what needs to be done. I could divorce him or threatening to if he doesn’t step up, but I’d be worried about DS being in his care for half of the time, considering how things are going when I’m not around.

Most parents can parent if they have to but much easier this way. Don't get fooled.

You need to hand over the reins more

nobody hits the ground running with anything
if you did something everyday day in and day out you have your routines you know exactly what to do and could do it with one arm behind your back compared with something you do something once in a blue moon they never get chance to find there feet

your making a rod for your own back

stop being a martyr. Just tell him being a lazy man-child is deeply unattractive and to sort it out and if he doesn’t then just stop “servicing his needs” in every possible way- laundry, sex, cooked dinners etc

I had to do some basic tidying and cleaning this morning

I think you should change your mindset here. Yes sure house should be reasonably safe and tidy for your toddler, but why did you feel that you had to do it? Your partner is responsible for the mess.

Maybe his mother was an arch enabler and this pattern has persisted? Either way, please look after yourself. Maternal well being is fundamentally important to a child’s happiness - even in utero they pick up stress.
good luck

So you're genuinely worried that he would neglect your DC if you divorced? That's not weaponised incompetence, weaponised incompetence is being perfectly capable of doing something but choosing not to because someone else will do it for you, or doing something badly on purpose so you don't get asked again. If he had DC on his own he would HAVE to step up, no? If you're genuinely concerned that DS would be neglected in his care, you have far greater issues than weaponised incompetence.

I completely agree!!

That’s actually quite shocking to read that you’re in a relationship with a man who you think would neglect his own child.

The bar doesn’t get much lower if a competent adult would not ensure his own child was fed properly or put in clean clothes.

If I thought my partner would intentionally neglect my child, then I’d end the relationship without a second thought.

He'll gave to not go to the gym tomorrow then to clean up.

God they really do hate us don't they?

Came here to say this. The amount of contempt they have. Punishing the mother of his child for daring to do something for herself.

How fucking dare he pull this stunt.

That would be it, for me.

You need to sit down together this evening and talk it through.
He is required to share the burden of the housework 50/50.
Write a list of what's required and split it.
As far as your child goes,tell him you require regular days to yourself and he needs to be better organised and know what caring for a toddler involves.
If he s unhappy with that; discuss employing a regular cleaner and sort the childcare outwith your home if poss.( there are private nursery nurses for hire as one offs) .
You can t continue like this as you ll become resentfull

Would you thought? Knowing that you would then be forced (by court ordered) to send your toddler to live in a neglectful environment for at least EOW?

Only if the father asks for it, but it doesn't sound like he is keen on too much hands on parenting