Would you be concerned by small lies early in a relationship?

[AntiAnn]

I’ve been with my boyfriend from December. All going well so far, he’s very attentive and kind but I’ve realised now he told me a few lies at the start. He told me he owns a house before and sold it, he owns his house now but he since said this is the first house he bought and he previously rented. He also said he had been in a few long term (years he said) relationships when really they were under a year.
the things he lied about aren’t really important to me so I have no idea why he would lie about them? I haven’t pulled him up on the little lies yet, I think he was maybe trying to impress me or felt a bit like he had to ‘live up’ to my life experiences…not that I cared really

what would you do about this?

When someone shows you who they are believe them. If he’s willing to lie about this small stuff, it’s not a good sign. It shows a lack of integrity, I’d walk away.

Not a good sign. His go to is to lie. Liars are the worst. You can never depend on them. They are often gaslighters as well. They are shit for your mental health. Hard swerve.

If he can lie about that, he can lie about anything. Bin.

Bin him

Mine was like that, it suggests very low self esteem and that is not good in a relationship IME. 20 years later it turned out there were a number of huge lies he'd told or things he'd omitted to mention. Lying was easier to him that telling the truth and that was how he lived. He sweetly lied and gas lit me to hell and back.

🚩

Those aren’t small lies though? They may not affect you now, but they are not small

Why is he lying? I would be concerned yes. If you like him, I’d maybe give him one more chance, no more lies and if after that he lies ditch him.

Yes, I would be (very) concerned about lies, even seemingly small ones, in a relationship. It means the person is willing to say the things he thinks you want to hear, which is a huge red flag - suggests a lack of a sense of self and self-esteem, which will manifest in all sorts of other ways too.

Same. My ex lied and thought I believed him. Why I stayed for so long I dont know. I knew everytime he lied. When we finally split up I still got some of his mail which proved even more lies.

OP if his lying is concerning now, I wouldnt say its going to get better. And small lies will likely turn into bigger ones

Dishonesty is an absolute deal-breaker for me.

Having been on MN for many years, I realise I'm in the minority here, but I simply cannot understand how people are OK with being lied to.

I couldn't build a relationship with someone when I have no idea if what they're telling me is real or bullshit. How do you even get to know someone like that really!

Definitely a red flag. I had an ex who started with small lies and ended up being very deceitful, unfaithful, controlling etc. Be careful.

How early on were these lies, and have there been any you've detected recently - e.g., since it's been clear that you were a "couple" and not just going on individual "dates" to see if you clicked and wanted something more? I can see the logic of someone implying they have a more stable dating history that they actually do because conventional wisdom says that people and especially men who've reached a certain age without a long-term relationship in their past are unlikely to ever have one - not that he should have lied but at least there's a likely purpose. The house thing is more mysterious - since he owns the house now and has the experience of buying that house (in case this came up in a conversation about how to buy a house) the lie seems unnecessary. Lying for no apparent purpose or gain is often a sign of someone who habitually lies and perhaps isn't even consciously aware of doing it. The fact that he told you conflicting things without acknowledging that he was changing the story also seems suspicious, like he's possibly forgotten he lied ... OR he thinks you'll feel too awkward or uncomfortable to question him?

I would ask him about the early lies; I think you'll be able to tell a lot from his reaction. A sheepish apology and admission that he'd been nervous and thought he might not measure up on the first date but now he's put that out of his mind and understands that there can be no more lies is one thing (although of course, that too could be a lie); his getting angry or denying that he's said the things he did quite another. Either of the last two versions, I'd say, would be a good clue to reconsider the relationship.

Definitely a red flag. He will say whatever is expedient - you will never be able to trust him!

I don't understand lies being a "red flag" for deceitful behaviour. They are deceitful behaviour!

Bye bye 👋
Trust is the foundation of a relationship. How can you trust someone who has repeatedly lied to you?

How did you find out that he was lying?

If he said something contradictory, why not say 'I thought you sold a house..'?

With men like this you cannot trust a word that comes out of their mouth. You’ve seen he’s motivated to lie, there will be many situations throughout your life together where he will lie to cover his own back. It also puts massive pressure on your judgement which is bad for you in the long term.

Those aren’t small lies, they’re big. Perhaps try to seem a better prospect.

He’s not even been clever or thoughtful enough to lie well.

Much easier to not date him now than take a chance, waste your time and feel more sad later.

Dump. You'll never be able to trust him.

Why didn't you call him out in his lies?

That might be little lies but they’re about big things - financial security and relationship history.

What’s he hiding? Three bankruptcies, twelve kids, two ex-wives and an ex-husband?

Don’t hang about to find out.

You've said it yourself, there's no reason for him to lie to you about these things. So why is he? Because he's a liar.

If he can lie about things that don't affect you (eg, he previously owned a house, prior to your relationship, which doesn't impact your future), he can lie about things that do.

I would call a lie about going to the store or buying an extra ball of yarn or something a small lie. It's insignificant.

This guy lied about his housing and previous relationships. That's the BIG stuff he's lying to you about.

You can't trust him now and this is just a few months in. He's not trustworthy and he's not going to suddenly change. I'd be done.

Oh that’s not a good sign. I understand very small lies of convenience. For example I’m NC with my parents because of a very shocking and traumatic backstory that I’m reluctant to share too early. So for the first 6 months or so I just say we don’t get along, until the time feels right to share.

I also have a ‘hidden’ disability which I don’t share for the first few dates, just because it feels private (it’s a medical physical thing), but I share that earlier as I think that’s more material to a future relationship and they have the right to know.

Inconsistencies about finances and relationships unless explainable (eg they’ve just described something slightly differently, or those occasions where 2 things can be true at one) would put me off.

What he's demonstrated is that he lies with ease and he's willing to insult your intelligence. He's not a keeper.