Looking for advice - posting here for hopefully more responses. I apologise in advance for this lengthy post. I’m trying to process it all still.
I split with my ex just before Christmas, following an incident where he came home drunk and was verbally abusive. I posted about it here: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5472416-a-mess-advice-needed-next-steps
Fast forward to now and we have recently had a mediation session for child arrangements. I suggested alternate weekends and some week nights. All he asked for was flexibility so he could go down to London one weekend a month to see friends and family (but working around their schedule). I said a set routine would be better for our child but some flexibility is fine.
Things are strained. He communicates with me via WhatsApp but ignores me at handovers. He won’t make eye contact and once let our daughter come through the door on her own and he walked off. I brought this up at mediation and the mediator said it needs to be a positive environment at handover. He denied it all and said “you know why I can’t talk to you”. Anyway, an agreement was made for alternate weekends and he has her Monday night and then Monday and Tuesday night the following week. He refused for her to be picked up from school by my mum on his Tuesday. This has since changed because our daughter was so upset about not having her usual Tuesday routine. Fair play, he listened to her and we changed it. The only condition was he pick her up from my parents gate so avoid a handover in their home. They will be civil to him but would rather he not come in their house anymore (because of what happened).
Last week my ex asked to meet with me to discuss some things. I agreed but knew he’d be there to berate me, I naively planned to shut it down. It did not go well.
He said he has health problems caused by stress which was caused by our relationship and break up. He has said I was the abusive one and his therapist has helped him see that and unpacking it all has made him ill. Apparently I was jealous and I isolated him. He had to go to a&e last weekend for an infection and I took our daughter for the night (his weekend). I checked in on him and he said he could have her back the following afternoon. Apparently I didn’t care at all and he actually almost died.
He has said I was also financially abusive because he wasn’t on the water bill and I kept money from an energy bill rebate. He lived in my house rent free for 9 years. He was unemployed for a long time and I supported him. He has said I used the house to hang over his head and it was abusive.
He has questioned why I think he was abusive. His therapists and friends have said it was an unhealthy relationship and the incident where he was drunk was just an argument. He doesn’t believe I was scared. He has said he spoke to DA charities and they don’t think he was abusive. He said if I don’t move on and forgive him and I’m always ‘battling him’ like this then he will move down to London in September. He threatened to take me to court to change the child arrangements. I said I would do another mediation if he wanted to change arrangements. He wants to have our daughter one extra night a week now. He said he did want 50/50 but didn’t realise he could ask for it. He said he feels mediation is expensive and doesn’t work as I was confused which days we were doing after the session.
He has said I am clearly talking negatively about him as some of my friends and their kids blank him. This is not true as a couple of my friends know everything and we have had the conversation about if they can talk to him and I’ve said yes as everything needs to be normal and civil for my daughter and their children. My friends would never do this.
I discovered something about him the day after the incident. His laptop was open and I have had an inkling for a long time something was going as he had become withdrawn and cancelled days and evenings out with us as he was ill. I looked at his browser history and found loads of porn sites with interesting titles. He has also been accessing porn with trans women and gay porn. I confronted him and he said he was just doing it to get a dopamine hit. I said perhaps there was something about his sexuality he needed to explore and be honest with himself about. He said he has kissed a man before when he was younger and high on drugs. The man touched his penis and he got erect, then my ex stopped it. I was shocked as he’s never told me this. I don’t care if he’s gay or not, I do care that he was looking at porn so much and has since confessed to watching porn on the days and evenings he cancelled going out as a family. I don’t like porn and he knows this. He has now called me homophobic and has said I keep calling him gay and disgusting. I haven’t, I’ve simply said maybe you are gay/bi and in denial. He then got out a lgbt hate crime webpage and said I am now harassing him.
To be honest I was completely baffled by this whole conversation. I was calm throughout. He was so angry and accusatory but then would start saying “I’m sorry this isn’t how I wanted this conversation to go”. In the end I said, there’s no point talking anymore is there and he got angry and said I was smirking at him. His last words were: “is this what you said to your ex (my ex before him was also abusive. He threatened to kill me and would scream in my face etc.) Did you make that up too? I’m done protecting you.” and he walked off.
One hour later he messaged me with a new schedule and thanked me for being flexible. I feel like I have emotional whiplash.
I don’t know where to go from here. I really thought things were more settled but he’s not settled at all.
Does anyone have any advice or have been through a similar situation?