Do spending one day of every weekend with adult dd

[Ladyofwoods]

Things have come to a head this morning. We need to do some urgent DIY in the house but yet again do is watching football this afternoon and going to his dd’s house tomorrow. This happens every weekend so we don’t end up doing anything together and I spend a lot of time going out on my own. He got angry this morning at me suggesting he perhaps skips this weekend so we can do what we need to do in the house. He said I couldn’t tell him what to do whe will see her as often as he wants. Both my dcs live away and I miss them a lot. He then goes for the jugular and says it’s not his fault that I don’t get to see my kids. This hurt me so much and he knew it would. I’ve left the house and will stay away for as long as I can. I feel devastated that he is still unable to understand my point in any way. I just don’t know if it’s an unreasonable ask from me?

Spending every single weekend with adult children, to the point where he has this reaction and he can’t comprehend not seeing her for one day, when you raise it, is weirdly enmeshed.

I don’t think it’s a crime to see his daughter every weekend, could you not go with him? Is he there all day?

I think I’d have asked him which thing he was going to miss this weekend (football or DD visit) to get the jobs done

I think the issue is how you treat each other, I know it’s awful but you saying he’s trying to hurt you- it just all sounds awful. If it’s just the two of you and you’re telling him to not see his kids and he’s twisting the knife and making you feel like crap you both need to figure things out x

I know lots of women who see their daughters every weekend. Are they 'weirdly enmeshed' @CanaryLibra ?

Him seeing his adult daughter isn’t the issue, it’s him seeing his adult daughter and his hobbies having priority over getting urgent shit done, that is.

I suspect his behaviour isn’t a recent development and you are rightly having issues with the type of person he is. This is who he is, the version non intransigent version of him isn’t waiting around the corner.

The balls in your court.

He sounds really horrible, OP. Why are you with him?

Yes. It seems bizarre to see them that often that it disrupts the whole day and other jobs don’t get done. It’s hardly, I’ll bob over for ten minutes for coffee in the morning then get back here to do the painting.

If it’s to the point where they kick off if their spouse even suggests having a weekend off to do some much needed DIY then yes, they are weirdly enmeshed.

Why can’t he do DIY in the morning / split his time so he can do all activities in the weekend? Watching Football and visiting his daughter shouldn’t take all weekend.

Its odd that you didn't suggest that he skip the football rather than skip time with his DD.

I think the problem is he is busy all weekend, rather than specifically that he sees his daughter regularly. It's perfectly reasonable for you to want to spend time together/get DIY done. If he can't find time for this, if you're lower priority than both the football and spending a whole day with his daughter every weekend then I'd say the relationship is done.

Football is a couple hours out of two days surely he has time to do jobs and see dd?
Rather than leading with don’t see your dd. Maybe say “we could do to tackle xyz, when’s good for you this weekend?” If he says he’s busy say ok what about next week, if he refuses to commit it’s an issue . It could be he doesn’t want to do jobs or that he views time with you as low priority. You need to figure out if this is acceptable to you. And plan your own stuff on a weekend instead of waiting on him being free.

Why can’t his dd come over, help with the decorating and have dinner with you?

I’ve tried everything. He absolutely won’t miss football. This has been going on for years. I really like his dd and sometimes go with him but he says he will go for a couple of hours and every time it’s most of the day. I have never told him what to do but the house is crying out for work to be done but between football and dd there is no time left. I’ve been out all day again on my own and I feel so lonely watching other couples having a nice time together. He won’t go anywhere with me. I’m at the end of my tether but there will be no reasonable conversations because he gets very angry at the thought that I might be telling him to give dd a miss one week so we can get stuff done. I no longer know what’s reasonable or not. I’m gutted and don’t want to go home. Thanks everyone.

@CurlewKateshe doesn’t come to ours anymore. Don’t know why as everything is ok.

Whose house is it? Can you afford to live alone? If you're at the end of your tether and it's your home bin him.

I feel quite worried about you. I hope you go home soon.

Im afraid I don’t think everything is ok. It must be so painful not seeing your kids. Do you have any counselling? Have you seen your GP recently? I wonder if you are unwell.

@Morepositivemum I’m absolutely not telling him he can’t see his kids. That would be awful. I have never said that. He can do what he likes but this is too much and impacting our life together.

@PermanentTemporary I am on antidepressants and struggle with anxiety and depression but I would feel this way even if everything was absolutely ok and I’m sure others would too.

@FurryWastebin it’s my house.

There are certainly a few issues in your relationship OP, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for someone to want to see their DC each week, even when they are adult. How many times are men given stick because they don’t keep in touch with their DC? I think in general there are different relationships in families between parents and adult offspring when they all live in the same locality.

How long have you and your DP been together? When you say this has been going on for years, was the situation different when you first moved in together?

I have to say, I don’t see what you are getting out of this relationship.

Why can’t you do the DIY yourself ? You should be able to maintain your own property .
Also get rid of the loser you’re living with as the relationship sounds dead anyway .

Can you both take a couple of days annual leave and get the DIY done?

Op - is there a reason you need to stay in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy whatsoever?

I don’t mind him seeing her each weekend if there isn’t anything pressing that needs doing. He is in a WhatsApp group with his doc and their mum. No jealousy about their mum as she’s nice but for some reason I feel so out of it. Again this could be my own loneliness and stuff from the past.

With his dc!