Do spending one day of every weekend with adult dd

[Ladyofwoods]

Things have come to a head this morning. We need to do some urgent DIY in the house but yet again do is watching football this afternoon and going to his dd’s house tomorrow. This happens every weekend so we don’t end up doing anything together and I spend a lot of time going out on my own. He got angry this morning at me suggesting he perhaps skips this weekend so we can do what we need to do in the house. He said I couldn’t tell him what to do whe will see her as often as he wants. Both my dcs live away and I miss them a lot. He then goes for the jugular and says it’s not his fault that I don’t get to see my kids. This hurt me so much and he knew it would. I’ve left the house and will stay away for as long as I can. I feel devastated that he is still unable to understand my point in any way. I just don’t know if it’s an unreasonable ask from me?

It sounds like he views your house like his home but not his house, which it also isn’t. In that case it makes more sense that you do the DIY as it’s your asset. You then have to just decide if you are happy for a man to crash at your place and come and go as he likes. I know I wouldn’t be.

This situation is clearly making you sad. Your partner would rather spend time away from you, than with you? Perhaps it’s time to consider counselling, or perhaps just moving on with your life without him.

@Ladyofwoodsyou're medicated for anxiety and depression but have a man living with you in your house who causes you anxiety and depression. Makes no sense. He either wants to be your partner and do what that involves or you need to pack his bags. He's got it made as things are.

I don’t know, weekends should be wind down and doing stuff you want to.

why is the diy “urgent”? Another option if it needs both of you is to take annual leave rather than chipping into your downtime.

if I were you I’d either crack on with it yourself, if it is your house. Or pay someone- my dh always says your time is undervalued, pay someone and get those hours back. Plus it’ll probably be a better job..

then with your free weekends you can go visit your kids while he goes to football and sees his.

dad’s get so much shit on here for being deadbeat dads, but when one enjoys and actively spends time with their kids, he gets grief for that. Is this arrangement a carry on from when they were younger and access arrangements? Maybe they enjoy spending time together.

Thank goodness ...he sounds super selfish.

The football season is coming to a close...will he make plans for those few weeks across summer? If not br brave and ditch

@Notmeagain12 believe me I don’t give him grief at all. He’s been doing the same for years with no trouble from me. I would just like him to put me first for one single weekend just to get stuff done.

I do see people’s point about doing the DIY myself as it’s my house. There are things I can’t do and I can’t afford to pay someone to do it either. But that’s my issue not his which I do understand.

He’s not going to op. He will just continue to use you for your house.

im sorry to be blunt, but you’re ignoring everyone pointing out the blindingly obvious solution to your depression, anxiety and sadness which is to stop pretending to yourself this guy is going to give you something he has absolutely zero intention of giving.

It’s sounds to me like the problem is with your relationship.

He prioritises watching football and spending time with an adult daughter over you and gets angry if you question that. You are lonely and can't have a reasonable conversation with him because he refused to compromise. That doesn't sound like a loving happy relationship and I'm puzzled why you stay with him when it's pretty clear he won't change.

Are you married? (I wasn't sure what DO means versus DH/OH). If you are not married and you own the house, just kick him out.

Your depression will almost certainly improve when not around someone dragging you down all the time.

Op it doesn’t seem to be a happy relationship, you’re probably better off that he doesn’t do diy, you don’t want him to claim ownership of a portion of your house if you throw him out.

im sorry op but you need to either borrow money or get a second job or just learn from YouTube. Is it something we can help you with? There are lots of experts in the property/ diy board. Or could replace him with a paying lodger and then save up to do the work that way?

i think him seeing his daughter every Sunday is fine, he has 6 other days to spend time with you.
hes not making you a priority, but that’s not because he sees his daughter once a week.

What strikes me is not that he won’t divert time to do DIY with you on a weekend but that he doesn’t think of spending time with you on a weekend full stop.

id sell and move closer to your dc

Are you married?

Do you rent alone?
Do you own your own home?
Do you work FT?
Can you afford to live alone?
If you are unmarried and own the home/rent solo, then that makes life a little easier. 🤔

Spending time with his DD is not an issue.
But him finding every excuse to save you for last place IS AN ISSUE.
You don't have a problem hun, HE IS THE PROBLEM. 💯

You are basically shacked up with a room-mate who you happen to shag.
He is NOT an equal partner.
He does NOT spend time with you, but prioritises footy.
He does NOT value you or your home. 😠

I bet if you got rid of him, your mood would lift!
I agree with a PP, if you can sell up and move closer to your DC, then it is worth considering. 😇

If not, then kick him out and get a lodger, who can contribute to the house and thus pay tradesmen to fix the DIY jobs.
Failing that, I would rather lash him out of the house then get a pet (cat or dog) and start looking at YouTube videos or asking friends/relatives for DIY favours. 😎

Life is too short to be coming last on the list of your own life. You deserve better 😌
@Ladyofwoods

This

OP I’m sorry to say this but are you sure he is seeing his DD and not involved with someone else because I find the fact that he will not be flexible about it under any circumstances and gets angry when you raise the issue a bit of a red flag to me. You say you don’t really see his DD anymore so you don’t know how often he is really seeing her. You say he’s been like it for years . It seems he has worn you down and the relationship no longer meets your needs. He is selfish and does not respect you. He can’t put you first but doesn’t mind living in your house ? I absolutely would not put up with it, you need to tell him he needs to step up or he can leave. You don’t need to go out for hours it is your home. I think you need to ditch him and I bet you will feel a lot less lonely, anxious and depressed once he is gone. Take back control of your life and give yourself the opportunity to make new connections and find someone who will value you, instead of being dragged down by him. As others have said maybe move nearer your DC.