Moving in with partner much wealthier than me

[Verdechopchop]

So, I'm looking for some advice on what I should be thinking about next year as my partner and I are planning to move in together, along with my DD 16 and his younger daughter in her early 20s. He's 60, I'm 55, both divorced and we'll have been together 5 years. The relationship is solid, and we are happy together. It all works. I want to live with him and vice versa. I will be keeping my house which has a mortgage on it, and renting it out, potentially over paying the mortgage to pay it off. He will be purchasing the house, having sold his. He is MUCH wealthier than me. He is also unbothered by money, whilst I've been a single parent for much of my DDs life and have had to be careful. I work FT, earn a good salary, and will have my house to fall back on, but the wealth disparity is considerable. Does it matter? What should I be thinking about? He wants to buy a big house for us all. I'm not after his money, his kids come first with inheritance as does my DD, but I don't want to feel financially vulnerable as I get older. What do we do? It will be his house. He doesn't want rent from me, but I'd be obviously happy to contribute in other ways, nice meals out, groceries etc. I'm less bothered by the day to day stuff than the structural wealth gap I think. If it all works out as we hope it will, we will be living together as we age. What happens if he passes away? It is financially more in my interests than his to get married, and we may do at some point but it's not imminent.

Any thoughts?

Sounds absolutely bloody perfect. I’m jealous.

If everyone is happy there’s no problem and if it doesn’t work out you still have your house.

I hope you have a great future together

Get wills made to protect the pair of you and your respective children

It sounds great to me.

Good luck.

Thank you for the replies. And the positivity! It does all sound good I know but I suppose I’m conscious that I’m very much the poorer partner living in a house I could normally never afford, and yet I’ll be living there and I’ll want it to feel like my home too. Perhaps I’m being too deferential/ conscious about money.

I’m nine months into this exact scenario. It’s going great and we’re very happy! I don’t contribute to any of the household bills but do pay for the weekly food shop and then we tend to split holidays/going out equally or sometimes I try and pay a bit more for these things - but usually he doesn’t let me. (Like you, I pay separately for my own place which we’re in the process of renting out.) It’s a great set up and I feel very fortunate. Enjoy!

I think it could be hard making a house a home which you have no financial interest in. If he died before you, then assume he will put a clause into his will so his kids give you say 6 months to leave so the house can be sold etc. Keeping your other house is very sensible and i’d focus on saving as much as you can, given you won’t be paying any rent etc so you do have something to fall back on if the relationship fails, or he does pass away. I think as long as he’s not tight with money it should be ok. You don’t want to feel like the poor relation unable to afford much, but if you’re not paying rent you should have enough to pay your way etc.

Second getting wills sorted. If his house is going to his DC maybe include a period of grace (12 months?) to give you time to move back to yours.
Also I'd have a chat about how you'll make decisions about decor etc, explain you want it to feel like your joint home.
Otherwise, I wouldn't stress about the wealth disparity - he' sounds like he's happy to share and is a decent chap.

i am in the opposite situation to you and me and dp have been together for 8 years now. I also bought a house we could all live in.

The one thing that did annoy me a little was when I insisted we sorted out wills etc. - I have made it clear from the start that I made my money prior to meeting Dp (both my parents were alcoholics and I already went through one divorce where I had to pay out a huge sum) so that when I die, I want the house to go to my kids. Dp also has another property and I spent more on this place than I would do if I hadn’t met Dp if you see what I mean (because it’s larger). I could tell that Dp wasn’t 100% happy about that but it isn’t his house.

also make sure you talk about retirement - i imagine your pension is smaller than his. How will that work when you’re not working full time? Will you combine your finances? All worth talking about now

Discuss how bills will be shared. How treats like holidays/gifts etc will be managed in advance.
you shouldn’t live beyond your means so you need to be sure either he’s happy to match your budget or pay the larger share with no resentment/ entitlement.

if he’s happy to pay for everything and you have your own financial security to fall back on (even if much less luxurious) then all good. It goes wrong if he starts expecting you to contribute financially to a standard of living you’d never have chosen for yourself or gets annoyed about paying for you. And yea, wills and clear plans for what happens if one of you dies is important. Also what happens if his income drops, since that would be an obvious potential trigger for pressure to start building on you to put more in to bills etc.

Marry him 🤣

Yeh you need to get married and then all this goes away.

Im your fella in this situation. Im a year in, and we both know if we do nice stuff that I want to do then I have to pay for it, or the lions share. We had these convos early on. He treats me how he can, but the reality is I deep down sometimes am a bit annoyed Im paying for most of the fun stuff in life, and I think he feels a bit demasculated. If we were married none of this would be an issue because it would all be one pot. I wouldn't benefit financially - he would - but it would take this 'elephant in the room' feeling away. Maybe it wouldn't be that way if our sexes were reversed though.

Im not sure how Id feel about a home that you have together, you decorate, grow to love - its your home - but you could totally lose it if he dies. I know thats what people do but I would hate that personally. It doesn't seem right. People losing their home after losing the love of their life feels so wrong.

I married my much wealthier ( childless) second husband 24 years ago. I wouldn't have considered a set up that didn't include marriage. Your partner has at least one child. Make sure everything is watertight regarding what happens if one or other of you dies/ goes into a care home etc. All very dull....and absolutely crucial. My father died 9 years ago. My mother went to various bereavement groups. She met so many women who'd lived with a partner for decades and been assured that all would be well with his adult children after his death. Every single time they were given the impression they could stay on indefinitely when , in reality, it was just until they'd organised and paid for the funeral. They were turfed out the week after with months of arguing about who owned what within the house.

If he isn't bothered about money then don't overthink it.
As long as you have your job and your own house you are protected from any real fall out if you split.
And it sounds like you are on the same page with wills etc.

I think go for it and see how it goes because you have your house as a safety net.

Overall, it sounds like a great set up & I hope you will both be very happy.

Maybe power of attorneys for each of you so clear on care reaponsibilities as you age

You lucky duck!

Honestly he shouldn’t marry you if he wants it to go to his children ( as he should)

if he dies, then you have your own house. Why would you expect any of this one ? You just need a grace period to sort out tenants etc

I’m not sure why people are suggesting to get married? I think that’s a terrible idea and muddies the waters. He has his house and she has her house and they can then both leave their separate pots to their children.

I think you should get some solid legal advice re: wills, arrangements for your DD should you die, arrangements for both of you should he die and so on.

Also, have a clear understanding of what the day to day financial arrangements will be ie bills, food, going out, holidays. You may well have uni costs to consider in a couple of years as well.

I agree. Updating their existing wills would do the trick here.

Because when you love someone and they become your person, then you want them to be taken care of if you die. And vice versa. Your adult children have their own lives and build their own wealth. You can't be living your life worrying about your children and your partners children - you need to worry about yourselves. If I died I wouldn't want my partner kicked out of what is his home. I mean legally its not but we see it as his too. It doesnt seem right or fair.

Not saying marriage is always best but if you really want to stay together forever then what's the reason you aren't getting married? Are you both really committed to the very long term? Suppose after 5 years he has a stroke and spend the next however-many years caring for him knowing that the house where you are both living and that you think of as your home will no longer be your home as soon as he dies.

Would you feel happier doing it the other way round - get married and use a pre-nup plus your wills to protect your and your children's interests?

I would have thought one of the biggest issues might be disparity between your daughters.

Are there things he pays for for his kids that you can't afford to for yours? E.g will he give his DD a house deposit? Or pay for her holidays etc?

Lasting power of attorneys and wills are less contentious and probably more sensible than marriage with kids from previous relationships on both sides