Moving in with partner much wealthier than me

[Verdechopchop]

So, I'm looking for some advice on what I should be thinking about next year as my partner and I are planning to move in together, along with my DD 16 and his younger daughter in her early 20s. He's 60, I'm 55, both divorced and we'll have been together 5 years. The relationship is solid, and we are happy together. It all works. I want to live with him and vice versa. I will be keeping my house which has a mortgage on it, and renting it out, potentially over paying the mortgage to pay it off. He will be purchasing the house, having sold his. He is MUCH wealthier than me. He is also unbothered by money, whilst I've been a single parent for much of my DDs life and have had to be careful. I work FT, earn a good salary, and will have my house to fall back on, but the wealth disparity is considerable. Does it matter? What should I be thinking about? He wants to buy a big house for us all. I'm not after his money, his kids come first with inheritance as does my DD, but I don't want to feel financially vulnerable as I get older. What do we do? It will be his house. He doesn't want rent from me, but I'd be obviously happy to contribute in other ways, nice meals out, groceries etc. I'm less bothered by the day to day stuff than the structural wealth gap I think. If it all works out as we hope it will, we will be living together as we age. What happens if he passes away? It is financially more in my interests than his to get married, and we may do at some point but it's not imminent.

Any thoughts?

OP, I take it you've gone into the details of what letting your house will entail under the Renters: Rights Act.

Discuss with partner then write a will with you both decide

“ living as his guest and dependent on his goodwill “

( and that of his daughter )

Discuss everything! Make sure that you are both clear about who will pay for what. Will you pay towards bills? Is he happy to be paying higher bills as he is in a larger property for you all? Who will pay for upkeep, decor, furnishings? Can you invite people over without asking for permission?

One very important factor to think about is university. Will your dc want to go? Both yours and your partner’s incomes will be used to calculate the student loan amount, rather than just yours currently. Who will make up the difference? It could be quite a lot. Since my DP moved in, we have to make up over £600 per month difference for dd. There is an online calculator that you can use to see how your dc would be affected.

Do not move in if monthly expenditure is going to work out more expensive for you.

I think you both seem to have a great view on things. You’ll still have your house, so you’re not making yourself any more vulnerable than you currently are. Just don’t overspend trying to compensate or keep up, be honest with yourself and him about what you can afford and if he wants to pay more for more luxury then accept it gracefully. in terms of making the house feel like yours that’s more about ensuring you have an equal say in things like decor, how the space is used etc.

Yes, you’ll have a downgrade in living standards if he dies, but that’s not a reason not to enjoy the relationship now. In a few years when the house feels like your home you should discuss having a lifetime right to remain or similar to protect you there. Maybe if you decide to get married. The more important initial consideration is setting expectations for your DD and what you are going to fund there.

I guess people are different when it comes to this. I am divorced and have young adult children. I will always want to make sure that they are the ones inheriting from men when I pass. Because of this there is no way I will marry another man and risk that. I think it's perfectly possible to be in a committed relationship without marriage.

I also think most parents live their lives worrying and prioritising their children, regardless of their age. That's not to say I'd be happy for a potential partner to be kicked out if I die, but I would definitely not want them to inherit from me and then risk whatever assets I had going to other people outside of my family further down the line. I'd rather my kids and future grandchildren were taken cared of.

You’re obviously not rushing into this so that’s good and you know him well enough by now to know it will work. Have wills put in place it’s imperative you have them for your prospective children also he may well put you in his will to make sure you are financially covered should anything happen to him. Obviously these can be changed at any time. Apart from that enjoy your lives together sounds bliss and don’t feel guilty about the difference in wealth he certainly wouldn’t be moving in with you if he thought you were only with him for his money. Just be aware that as you are not paying any rent or mortgage etc should things go wrong he could kick you out and you do have a tenant to consider that’s the only thing that would concern me.

Maybe not marriage unless you both want it, but be mindful of ensuring each other has rights to a spousal pension through marriage or a common law partnership, if you have occupational pensions.

Suck him dry!
And once you’ve done that take his money.

As long as you're aware that you'll have to move out when he dies or if the house has to be sold for nursing home fees ......

And as long as you don't spend money on his house which will be wasted money ......

....I think it'll all be great !

This made me lol and lol !!

I presume your Dd is as happy as you to move in with him?

Have a detailed discussion before you do anything. A proper meeting, coming to mutual understanding and agreement - do not leave anything to assumption. E,g

Utilities and household costs:

• What is his expectation for your contribution? The overheads and bills for a bigger house will be much higher. Insurance, CT (no single discount, big house) , heating a big space etc etc.
• Will you have a joint household account for shared house and family expenses? Will you contribute 50/50 or pro rata to income?

Your Dd

• At what age does he imagine she will be independent and move out? He can likely afford to give his dd a helping hand - you less so. Will he be OK if she is still living with you at 25 when his dd has grown and flown?
• Will she be able to bring friends home for sleepovers? What about boyfriends, in the future?
• As far I am aware Uni loans are on household income. Your Dp's income will preclude any loan for maintenance. How does this work for you?

Future planning:

• You both need Wills. And not based on when you are ancient, based on what if something tragic happens to either of you in the next 5 years. (and then review)
• Marriage. In his shoes I wouldn't marry. You both have a divorce behind you, you aren't planning to have Dc together. So not an imperative for you, given that you have your own income and house.
• Given that Wills need to be there to support the worst, he can leave you a sum of ££ in his Will to 'see you through', and leave you, say , 3 0r 5 years 'life interest' in the house. Then review and leave for actual life once you reach a ripe old age. But I wouldn't expect him to leave you 30 years in the house, to re-marry as you please, keep his inheritance from his dd, etc.
• Have LPAs in place, name each other as NoK in medical files. (along with your dc)
• Keep your own pension payments up
• Talk about who you each name as beneficiaries for your pension

Talk about everything and anything. Assumptions, misunderstandings and lack of clarity can quickly undermine the strongest relationship.

Personally I would want to make a defined and agreed contribution to living costs and overheads - groceries out of the joint household account etc. I would never want to presume on him covering costs, nor second guess whether I had contributed the right amount of ad hoc treats or expenses. Bluntly, establish through your agreement that you are a partner, on agreed terms, not a pet.

Wuth what you've said it sounds perfect with no attitude problems on either side. Go for it. Be happy.

They can still do that if married. He can leave his house to his Dc. As can she. As she has her own house and income and pension it is doubtful that she would be able to challenge the will and claim dependency.

But if they divorce he could end up losing half his savings, pension, assets etc.

given all the threads we see nowadays where everything has to be split 50/50 and its so transactional and actually devoid of love. This sounds wonderful, you are very lucky to have a partner who does not care that you aren’t contributing 50/50.

You are being sensible keeping your house, I guess the pair of you need to have a ‘how does the future look’ conversation about what happens based on who dies first etc.

I’m sure both kids that will be living with you will be moved out and starting their own independent lives sooner rather than later

I hope you both have many happy years in this next exciting chapter

I once moved in with someone much much wealthier than me. I earned the UK average salary and he earned about half a million a year with regular £40K bonuses. He also came from a family with millions who gave him hundreds of thousands as a house deposit. I grew up in an area of deprivation, and he grew up with his own en suite bathroom from age 3 and went to private school.

It wasn’t good. I couldn’t relax because nothing ever felt like home because I always knew that if the relationship failed, I would immediately be homeless and back to living hand to mouth to pay my rent and bills again. I resented him because he was lazy and expected me to do all the cooking, cleaning and organising. I also organised all the furniture purchases and house decorations stuff and put a lot of time and effort into it. All that effort yet knew it wasn’t mine. He could buy me the most expensive, luxury items for birthdays, or whenever he’d pissed me off, which meant I never really felt I could speak up about his lack of effort around the house as just when I was about to raise it I’d be met with a £800 dress and felt like I couldn’t then say anything. He pushed me to change my car but made me sign the lease contract and pay it myself. I didn’t want to change my car. I think he was embarrassed my car was so old.

When the relationship failed, I had nothing. I had a car I resented and couldn’t afford, and I left with zero from the house. Not even a teaspoon. I had to return to living with my parents temporarily.

The problem with large wealth inequality is that they always control everything. They control the what, where, when and how.

I’m so much happier now and have a relationship of equally financial standing. So our home feels like mine/ours and not like I’m just a visitor to it.

You need a cohabitation agreement. It should state what happens in thd event if the relationship ending. Who owns what. Who is responsible for what and importantly for you how much notice you'll have to vacate the property. If you are renting your property out you'll need time to evict the tenants before you can move back it. You dont want to be out on your arse with your child if something goes wrong. When you are happy and in a relationship the relationship ending isn't something people want to address but you need to protect yourself.

AI slop post

I think once you’re living together and the relationship feels very established, then get a legal right to remain written into the will. I’m amazed at the amount of people who think being turfed out of what’s become your home, with all your memories with your partner, a few months after he’d have died, would be ok. After my father died my mum met someone else age 60. My mum was the wealthier party, although he was self sufficient. He moved into her property and they had 20 happy years together till he died. There was a legal right for him to remain in the property till he died written into the will after which we’d inherit. Even if there hadn’t been, If my mum had pre deceased him there’s no way me and my siblings would have been counting down the clock for 6 months till we could kick him out! I think the fact the Op has her own property is irrelevant. If the Op and her partner live there together for many years it will be her home. Op, I think without something like this you will forever feel like a lodger.

😮 I have never used AI in my life 🙄. It’s based on (bitter) RL experience

Thanks so much for all the replies. That is all extremely helpful and food for thought. It's heartwarming to hear the good wishes too. I genuinely feel very fortunate to have met him because he is wonderful. My first marriage was fairly awful and caused me a lot of misery, so it is a happy ending I hope.

ArtAngel I found your post really informative and useful, thanks.

What happens if he passes away?

You have your house to fall back on. If he decides to leave his DD his house in his will then you make plans to move back into your house and hopefully by then it won’t have a mortgage on it.

Don't make the mistake of frittering money to compensate for living in his house. Put it all on the table now. You should 100% overpay on your morgage. Tell him you want to do this so there is no confusion down the line. Live strictly within your means and if he wants to spoil you, let him.
Talk frankly about your daughter and how she fits into this new home.
Prepare for the worst financially and hope for the best. Presumably you will need your old house at some point and protect it.
Perhaps at some point your daughter might move into it and rent rooms out. Don't fritter money away and live beyond your means is my advice. Good luck.