If you witnessed domestic violence as a child, how has it impacted on you?

[AliceAbsolum]

It's effected me deeply. And I'm really curious about others experiences.

My Dad rarely hit me but he was physically violent towards my mum often. Even when she was holding me as a baby.
He was a terrorising intimidating force in the house and I used to get verbal abuse.

I just feel at 41 years old like I'll never be able to move on from it.

Thanks for sharing your experiences.

Just realised the title doesn't make sense. I'm all over the shop today

Strangely not as much as it could/should. I think because after they divorced, mum somehow found it in her to forgive my dad. He worked on himself, and later in life they became friends again. She is a saint, she had therapy, and she must have seen something in him that was worth forgiving him for. If I hadn’t seen it, I’d never have known that he wasn’t the best dad in the world. It didn’t affect my relationship with him - but it did make me question a lot of things about him and his personality.

I always expect the worst. I always expect men to be angry. I thought you had to keep men happy no matter what.

When I was younger I had a series of unsuitable relationships. I was craving love and stability. I always expected them to hurt me, they always did and I always chased after them. Luckily I had a lot of therapy and I've ended up in a very good marriage with a wonderful man.

My childhood home was recently for sale, complete with internal pictures online. I last lived there as a teenager 43 years ago but seeing the inside of that house brought it all back

i I could see where I stood when he broke my mums nose and all sorts of other events that I won’t go into. I psychotherapist suggested that I was showing symptoms of cptsd. I’m almost 60!

even now, a man trying to physically intimidate me lights my touch paper. He’d better fucking run because all rationality leaves me. The last time a man tried to intimidate me I just remember thinking, don’t hit him, you won’t be able to stop.

I'm nearly 50...my dad was violent to my DM, then we moved in with ex stepdad and he continued with the awful violence towards her (broken bones) He also absolutely hated me for no good reason, he ignored me as much as possible and did physically hurt me a couple of times and groped me once. I was such a quiet kid and stayed out of trouble 😔 all the violence with both men was fuelled by alcohol.

It has affected me in many ways...I was an incredibly shy child, particularly at school, zero confidence which hasn't improved much. Zero self esteem. Instant physical anxiety/chest tightening when I hear raised voices or sudden banging (for eg slammed door in the house or something breaking), that is something that I've never been able to shake off.

Insecurity in relationships, lack of trust, total intolerance of drunk partners, absolutely can't stand it, my anxiety goes through the roof when my DH gets drunk. I'm a lot better being alone now though likely helped by perimenopause 😅

All in all I'd love to tell both those bastard men just how much of a profound negative effect they had on me but I doubt my stepfather would even care.

My dad was a mean bully, though I rarely saw him be physically violent. He was just mean and controlling. My mum got us out of there and gave me a good life despite having a child with someone so pathetic. It taught me to not take shit off of anyone. I grew up to marry dh who is everything my dad was not. It was for me very much a lesson in the sort of life my children were never going to have and I’ve made sure they haven’t.

Yes, I never thought it did other then making me angry but dc 1 has additional needs and has had some very violent times. I spent months being attacked daily, sadly I doubt we will ever have a relationship like before, he tries to cuddle me and I flinch. It doesn't help that occasionally he'll still hit, it brings back the times listening to my mam screaming while he hit her.

Where do I start.
My dad was a typical dominator, we all walked on eggshells around him. I was born into a large Catholic family where women just put up with abuse. I know he beat and almost certainly sexually assaulted my mum, kept her pregnant for 20 years. He was constantly unfaithful.
it was common for my older siblings to be beaten as kids, I was “lucky” that I was one of the youngest and he’d mellowed a bit by the time I came along so the worst I got was a slipper to the bum!
I have some very vivid memories of siblings being beaten and abused, it has led to me being conflict avoidant and having a freeze/fawn response to aggression.
I married a psychological bully. Had a child with him and left after 4 years thankfully. Now with a lovely man who is the complete opposite and couldn’t be more patient or loving. His father was similar so he understood!
honestly I could write a book about the effect it had on my family. Thankfully my 2 adult DC were loved and cherished and are wonderful people now.
Wow! That was a lot!

I saw and heard things no child should see.i also had violence put upon me whilst trying to protect mum I was 9.
With therapy of late I'm at peace with it 50yrs later.

I think I only saw physical violence once but verbal abuse a number of times. The time that I saw physical violence I remember there was banging on a draining Board. I still flinch if someone bangs something even by accident.

I have massive trust issues and have chosen not to be on a relationship.

I'm really struggling with the adult relationship now. Would like to go nc but it's not that simple. He doesn't accept his actions at all.

Yep, alcoholic by 20, then turned it around a couple of years later turning to a career helping others.

My dad was physically violent towards me, everyone (dm and dsis's) walked on eggshells but I was his target.
I was the problem child, I couldn't work out why, I didn't do anything, tbh I wouldn't have dared be naughty.
It was mostly alcohol fuelled, he'd actually drag me out of bed, pull me dowstairs, straddle me as I lay prone and beat me about the head.
Dsis's learnt early on to save themselves all they had to do was point in my direction.
Im nearly 60, been a people pleaser all my life to my own detriment, loud voices or aggression makes me want to curl into a protective ball.
I look back and it's as if that child wasn't really me, I feel sad for the little girl who could do nothing right, was berated, slapped, punched, mocked and felt totally unloved.
Violence in the home as a child has lifelong effects

@DonewhatIcando it never truly leaves you and sympathise with your experience.💐

My DF used to regularly come home from work drunk, he’d smash up the house and my DM. My DB is 4 years younger than me so my DM had to make him safe first. My earliest memories are being hyper vigilant of my surroundings. I could feel the rage in my DF before he erupted and I could sense the fear and pain in my DM. I’d take myself off somewhere out the way but it still enveloped me. We stayed in that situation until I was 11, I’m now 47.

I’m quite closed, nobody ever really knows how I’m feeling. At the same time though I don’t accept bad behaviour, just like always I’ll walk away from it. I’m still extremely aware of what’s going on around me and the mood/emotions of others really affect me. It seems to be a survival instinct though, a recent empath thread unearthed a few of us with the same history and we all soak up our environment far more than we’d like.

I didn't recognise an abusive relationship when I was in one ..I was so conditioned to different types of abuse ,I didn't spot it in my relationship .
It didn't occur to me to leave.
Both my parents were abusive to me and to each other ,it made me a target for bullying at school ,I ate to feel better and got bullied more for weight gain
Other kids can spot a vulnerable distressed child a mile of .misery at school and at home
When you couldn't rely on your parents for support,you learn to never show your feelings or look for help from others .you don't ask for help , because you don't expect to get it .
You put up with what life throws at you , because your used to accepting abuse and it doesn't occur to you to try to change anything.
I'm 50 ISH and only just trying to deal with it through counselling

I desperately wanted my parents to divorce. I felt compelled to listen to their regular vocal and sometimes physical fights ( my sister would hide) I hated my father for what he did. I’m not sure I can form a healthy relationship now. Any raised voice or violence makes me very anxious.

I had this OP and sadly it never leaves you. I had/have PTSD over it and I'm in my 60's. Could never form relationships with men, always being a doormat, expecting the worst, putting up with utter shit.

@Walker1178 Your life sounds exactly like mine as a child and I too am quite closed. In fact I relate to every post on here. Hugs to all.

Thank you for replying. It's heart breaking, it really is.

Same for me, I'm so hypervigilant. People pleaser. Got into an abusive relationship with a man when I was 15.

Luckily now I have a wonderful DH and DD. But I can't relax. Can't enjoy it. That's the tragic part for me.

I've had years and years of good therapy. Just can't accept my brain chemistry is screwed

Massively affected me in my relationships . I'm also a people pleaser and can never stand up for myself for fear of making someone angry . I've been married twice and divorced , since realised that I should never have married because I'm not capable of really close relationships unless with my children . I can't even talk about my childhood because it makes me feel sad . I realise that the abuse between my parents went both ways , they should never have been together .

My parents fought a lot, mainly verbal but I did witness some throwing of objects etc (it was my mum who was the perpetrator). It has affected me. I like to live in a calm environment and apart from 6-7yrs living with father of DC, i’ve lived alone with my kids. Managed to get through the teen years without so much as a raised voice. I cannot abide being in environments where there is tension, especially raised voices. I try not to hold a grudge against my mum, she had some mental health issues and they weren’t as widely recognised or treated in the 80’s like they are today. It was almost a shame. But i’d be lying if I said i’m not impacted by it today.

And I always try and impress upon women who insist staying in a bad relationship is better for the kids. You only need to read a thread like this to see that it can have lifetime consequences.

I also try the same I do understand that it's not always a straight forward issue.
I experienced a multitude of distressing things and situations involving myself &mum.
She stayed and they got divorced decades later when he walked.
I said to her recently I wished she left but in the 70s it was harder and she endured hidings ,me also and the endless womanising.

I'm more at peace with it now some 50yrs later through therapy.

My childhood home was horribly violent. My mum would leave sometimes and bring us with her but she always went back. I have ocd and anxiety now and have trouble dealing with my dad even as an adult. After about 30 years of us thinking it was behind us, got a phone call from mum from the hospital relatively recently, he pulled a knife on her. She came and stayed with me and my family while we tried to set up up with a new life and she went back again. We are expected to play happy families. Apparently things had been peaceful and this was a mental health crisis. I am finding it incredibly difficult even after all these years.

You have all made me cry this morming, I am so sorry you are all suffering as adults as well. 💔💐