Where on earth do I start?

[aloysiusflyte]

This is a pretty long story but I'll condense it as best I can.

Been with DH for a long time, married for 16 years. Found out just after Xmas that he was having an emotional affair with a friend of mine. It stopped and started but for the last 2 months they've had no contact at all. We've had marriage counselling, I thought things were starting to look up a bit.

Until Saturday. He saw her outside our local shop and told her he loved her and she said she loved him too.

He told me on Sunday that he thought he was in love with her but only told me last night that he'd actually told her.

I was so angry that I phoned her. She was smug, condescending, told me that they'd tried to fight this love for so long, that I was controlling and she didn't appear to be sorry at all.

Then to kick the boot in further, he went round to check she was ok rather than staying with me.

I'm sure my marriage is over and I feel strangely calm?! Like they're welcome to each other now. Problem is we have two teenagers, no money, a house that needs a lot of work and I have no idea where to start.

I've read so many of these threads over the years and thought it would never happen to me but here we are.

I feel so stupid. And so so tired.

Yes it’s very much over, kick him out and block her. Move on with dignity they are both awful people.

Start by getting him to agree to the terms of the divorce while he is still in the first flush of infatuation: You keep the house as a stable home for your children, he moves out, he carries on paying for the house. After all, he surely need not trouble himself with such base concerns as money in his new relationship — love will surely conquer all.

So sorry you've had this - they both sound vile. You're probably strangely calm partly because of the shock, but also maybe because it's a relief that you know where you stand and can move on. They're welcome to one another - their celebratory love balloons will pop and wither before too long.

I know you're both right. Keeping my dignity is going to be very important but it's so hard not to shout and scream about how unfair this all is.

I've always tried to do my best for him and the marriage and our lives. Even though he's lied in the past and made mistakes (about money mostly), I've worked to forgive him because I thought it was the right thing to do.

I don't think I can stay in the home as she lives round the corner. I can't see them loved up together I really can't

She was supposed to be my friend too. I just can't believe this is happening

Kick him out change the locks file for divorce and go for as much as you can get. That’s what I’d do anyway. Let them get on with it OP. It probably won’t end well.

I am so sorry. Don’t contact her again.
Sell the house and start fresh elsewhere if you can.

So sorry you're going through this OP, how absolutely awful and with your friend too!
You need to for your future and own sanity try to put your emotional feeling to the side for a bit and seek legal advice and get as much as you can out of the b***d while he will be feeling all loved up and surely guilty on your part.
The fact he's gone to her shows clearly where his priorities and heart are DO NOT think you can work this out.

It's all so weird - I've gone into planning mode and thinking out what the hell we're going to do. He's now stalling this morning saying we don't have to decide anything now - he says he doesn't want to live with her??
Before he told me yesterday I said to him he needs to get help from a professional, I think he's having some kind of breakdown (not at all excusing his behaviour) but he's not behaving normally at all.

He doesn't have all the power to make decisions here - you get to decide what is right for you. I can't imagine that him being under the same roof is the right thing for you.

He does not get to have his cake and eat it. He's declared his love for another woman OP! So he wants to keep living in the family home but also carry on seeing her, I know what I would be telling him

Don’t be taken in by his BS OP. He’s declared his love for another woman. Time for him to face the consequences of his actions.

He doesn't have to live with her but by the same reasoning you don't have to live with him. Even if you make the marriage work (in other words you will swallow your emotions and die a slow death), you won't want to stay near her.

So the most practical thing you can do is start decluttering the house and get it on the market. While he's in a guilt mood try and get him to agree to you having most of the equity so you can keep a roof over the children's heads. The next practical step is a one off consultation with a solicitor to find out your rights.

Ah twoo wuv. They’ve tried to fight it for so long and it’s you, you evil lovekiller, that is blocking their love story.

What a pair of absolute fuckwits.

I hope you’re still feeling calm and resolved, op. All power to you.

Bin him.

File for divorce nonetheless.

If by any chance this snaps him out of his reverie, and if by any chance you decide to give him another shot, you can always halt the process later on.

But you have nothing to lose right now by showing him how serious his actions have been.

Please try not to feel stupid. You did nothing to feel stupid about. You loved and trusted him, and he betrayed that. Most likely it will be him that feels stupid for doing so at some point.

'We don't have to decide anything now'
He's right, he's already made a very clear decision.

What remains is for you to decide what you want, what he says he wants is besides the point. Think carefully about what you want the future to look like and take it from there.

Thank you for all your messages, I know I've got to stay strong now and I still have some self respect, just about!
I just told my sister who just swore for the first two minutes of the conversation and I know she's got my back.
Definitely a yes to decluttering when I feel less spaced out and tired, I've started googling free legal advice as well.
Trying not to crumble.
Can I tell him to leave? He says I can't because it's his house too

I just want a future with no drama or stress and no lies and deceit.
I know now I can't have that with him.

This is your chance to take control.
You don't seriously want him back in your life after he's done this to you, you'd never trust him again.
Throw him out, file for divorce and don't respond to anything apart from discussing the kids and the divorce.

It's so hard, you will feel like your not going to manage ... but you will and it will be 100% worth all the pain in a couple of years when your are free from him and at peace.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Double the pain when the OW is your friend. Has she a husband/kids? Is this going to negatively affect her life in any way?

You can tell him to leave, but he can refuse to go. However, I'd withdraw all the things you do for him - no cooking for him, doing his laundry, admin etc. if he insists on staying fine, but you don't have to behave like a wife any longer.

Free legal advice will be 15 - 30 minutes of generic advice that you could google.
A one off consultation will be an hour tailored to your actual situation and finances. Approximately £150 and well worth every penny.

Divorce consists of three parts. The admin, the financials, and the children. You can do the admin yourself online, its merely ticking boxes. You have to pay a fee. The financials are best with the solicitor. Children, depending on age, best with mediation.

No, you can't kick him out if he refuses to go unfortunately. Which is why its best to start the divorce and sell the house.