Where on earth do I start?

[aloysiusflyte]

This is a pretty long story but I'll condense it as best I can.

Been with DH for a long time, married for 16 years. Found out just after Xmas that he was having an emotional affair with a friend of mine. It stopped and started but for the last 2 months they've had no contact at all. We've had marriage counselling, I thought things were starting to look up a bit.

Until Saturday. He saw her outside our local shop and told her he loved her and she said she loved him too.

He told me on Sunday that he thought he was in love with her but only told me last night that he'd actually told her.

I was so angry that I phoned her. She was smug, condescending, told me that they'd tried to fight this love for so long, that I was controlling and she didn't appear to be sorry at all.

Then to kick the boot in further, he went round to check she was ok rather than staying with me.

I'm sure my marriage is over and I feel strangely calm?! Like they're welcome to each other now. Problem is we have two teenagers, no money, a house that needs a lot of work and I have no idea where to start.

I've read so many of these threads over the years and thought it would never happen to me but here we are.

I would not make any rash decisions while your emotions are high like putting the house up for sale. You can certainly consider it and all other alternatives while consulting with legal representatives and researching real estate listings. But a move should only be done if you'll not be losing money nor a great deal of space.

For now, if there's a spare room, have your husband move into it so you're not sleeping in the same bed. If not, cordon off a part of the living room with some privacy divider and he can sleep on the couch. Then tell him the new communication rules that your discussions will only entail the children and divorce/logistical transactions.

Think of him as a conman who will try to manipulate you to get whatever's best for himself. Do be businesslike pleasant to him around the children so they are not in a toxic environment. But do get that legal advice ASAP so you no longer have to be around him daily. Take him off as co-user of your credit cards and bank account.

Make a to-do list and check things off so you'll feel good about your accomplishments and being pro-active.

I'm sorry you've been treated like this and he's not the man you assumed he was. For many of us who married wrong the first time, we can at least say we got the children we did out of the experience. You won't feel this horrible forever. Once you get to the healing and moving-on stage, you'll be able to enter the next chapter and build the life you deserve. Take care.

I feel this is going to be the making of you, OP. In a year's time you will be living your best life, while your ex-friend may or may not be living the dream with a liar who is shit with money (who doesn't want to live with her...). I have a suspicion that you have carried the relationship for a long time - don't let him weasel his way back in once he realises what he's lost (he's already trying this!).

Problem is we have two teenagers, no money, a house that needs a lot of work and I have no idea where to start.

Tell the teenagers an age-appropriate summary of the situation - Dad has formed an inappropriate relationship with Sarah so we are splitting up. Do you own your home?

Can you go to your sister's this weekend, with or without the teenagers? Let her support you as much as possible. You can do this.

Blimey I hope so. Right now I feel completely broken.

We do own our home, there's a bit of equity in it but not as much as there could be if it was done up

Thank you for your supportive message

Yes he's in the spare room now.

We spent some time talking tonight but it was fractious from the start as he'd been out for a walk with the OW and the kids didn't know where he was. I said I can't have that, especially if he's walking round the village holding hands etc. I think we're already talk of the town.

Thank you. I hope this horrible feeling ends soon as it keeps coming in waves and I just feel sick and awful.

She has 3 kids and is single but lives and has lived a very complicated life that I've helped her through and gone above and beyond for her in the last few years. I feel like such a mug. I've given up hundreds of hours of my time and this is what I'm left with.

She also has numerous mental health issues as a result of all the things that have happened to her.

Apparently they're both going to make each other so happy! They're living in a fantasy world.

I'm feeling pretty awful tonight. Everything is just so confusing and with the added betrayal on top it's making everything far worse. I just keep getting waves of panic and dread.

@aloysiusflyte that is just so maddening. Shes used you as a sounding board and then knowingly got with your husband. I am in no way saying he is in any way innocent he is not he is a cheating bastard and I hope his penis catches fire but you being there for her too it really is a kick in the teeth. I cannot tell you how sorry I am that this has happened and you have been hurt by both of these excuses of humans.

Breathe OP, breathe. All you need to do is put one foot in front of the other and eventually you will find your peace. The hardest part (and the most mind fucking) is trying to keep life the same "because".

Decide how you want your life next year to look. Dream it, feel it. Then make a plan on how to achieve it. When I was trapped I dreamt of a clean house, tidy, pretty things, quiet. I kept dreaming until I could dream no more and I needed it to become reality. And that is when I started planning, step by step, in bullet points.

Apparently they're both going to make each other so happy! They're living in a fantasy world Keep this in mind when she’s crowing about your husband being her soul mate and how they can’t fight the love they have for each other. Let’s be honest, there’s nothing keeping him at yours now that you know about it, and yet he’d rather sleep in your spare room than in the arms of the woman he loves? This isn’t love. He’s had his head turned, he’s got carried away, he’s seen you go into action mode and the cowardly little shit has panicked and realise what side his bread has been buttered up to now. She’s no more going to have a happy ending with him than I am. And I definitely don’t want him!

He’s right, you can’t force him to move out. But you can make life very difficult for him. Don’t you dare wash as much as a sock for him. Don’t cook for him. Don’t eat with him. Get a solicitor and tell him you’re arranging for an estate agent to come and value the house. I’d tell the DC sooner rather than later; it doesn’t sound like she’s planning on being discreet about it, and you don’t want them finding out from her DC, if she has them, or their school friends if parents have been gossiping. Tell your family. Tell his family. Tell your friends. It might feel humiliating but the shame is his. You need support and you need to make it so that he can’t just change his mind and carry on with you like nothing has happened.

Find your anger and let that power you through. He’s not expecting you to fight back. Use that against him and get copies of everything financial that you can. There’s nothing that can’t be undone, but you’ll be glad of being prepared.

i am so sorry you are going through this. His unoriginal, shabby behaviour is a reflection of him ( and her) not you. What fools. Many of us have been through it and you can do this.

One thing I would say is that, difficult as it is, your responses will dictate how your children see it. I have a friend who constantly reiterated ‘ DH ruined my life when he left’ the result now, decades later, is that her adult children believe their lives were ruined as a result of his departure. I tried very hard to say to my DC well ‘ it’s not what I wanted, but we (as in me and the DC ) will be fine and as he wasn’t around much anyway, actually we won’t notice a huge difference’ . The result is that my DC say it wasn’t what they wanted but they didn’t really notice much difference in the end.
He thinks the grass is greener ( it isn’t) but don’t try a pick me dance. Let him trot off.

It’s such a horrible shock and betrayal but you do have to move with a sense of purpose even if it’s the hardest thing possible. Yes, it’s his house too but that’s for negotiation later: for now ‘well, clearly you can’t stay here’ is a statement that shows you’re not for budging.

I’ve nowhere to go - well, staying here is not an option
I’ll stay in the spare room - no, that’s not an option
She’s not ready for me to move in - regardless, you can’t stay here
This is my house too - yes, and we will figure out where we are all going to live in time, but for now, staying here when you are in a relationship with someone else is just not an option