Betrayed by wife

[MyMindIsDone]

Hi. First post. I'm a married bloke who has been cheated on. Reason I joined here is that I really need female opinions and advice. As you can imagine, male friends and family all say get rid but there are so many contributing factors that skew things. My mind is blown and I can't figure out what to do and specifically I have a way forward that may seem unconventional but seems logical to me and the only option.

I have a child, they're in their 20s. I was a signle dad from the child's age of 9.

Thanks for reading this far 😊

Your friends and family say get rid?? Remember They know you and hopefully have your best interests at heart? . You say it was a one night stand and she was remorseful, was this because she got caught? As a man who has been though this , well I’m afraid you will be effected by this for the next 10+years and you will have triggers that will set you off ? Movies etc you say about getting your own back? What’s the point, just move on , the famous saying that is always mentioned on these threads once a cheat …… it’s so true , unfortunately

Meanwhile elsewhere on another relationship thread ...

"I think my drink was spiked and I was assaulted, I don't remember anything. Id gone out to cheer myself up after what I thought was a bad break up with my stbxh. He somehow seems to have had surveillance tech and claims to have seen it and shamed me for it. I've been in a dark place ever since and somehow we're back together but I have a feeling I need to end this. I think it's over and he's checked out emotionally but I'm scared and confused." *

Nb*This is a possible perspective of the potential DW.

Obviously had trouble in your marriage anyway as you were living apart, being drunk isn’t really an excuse but OP then having sex in revenge won’t solve anything. Find a way to fix it or leave

"Hatty65 · Today 21:12
Yeah, It is silly. A revenge shag will solve nothing. If she's truly and utterly remorseful over a one night stand when you were split up then you might be able to make things work if you have another go at the relationship.
But. You take her back, knowing she's had a one night stand that she's ashamed of, and you take her back accepting this. You don't ever throw it in her face during an argument, you don't use it as a stick to beat her with and you start from ground zero if you really want to keep the marriage.
You don't do a tit for tat shag to make yourself feel better, or her worse. And you start a fresh page assuming that she will never do this again and you trust her.
If you can't do all this that is fine. It is your life and your feelings and no one can make the decision for you. But if you can't do all this then don't waste either of your time any longer and just call things a day"

I'm sorry you're in this position, OP - it's very painful and distressing obviously but - yes - this with bells on. Having a revenge shag does also seem like a particularly male response to this particular scenario. There are countless female posters who have been cheated on and not a single one has suggested that one of the things they want to do is have a revenge shag.

I don't quite understand how she was caught on CCTV or how you have access to that CCTV. Are you saying she had drunken sex in a public place and you were somehow able to get CCTV evidence of it? If someone provided you with that CCTV evidence, then I would be wondering whether your wife has been set up? Could someone have spiked her drink and then deliberately put her in a position where she could be blackmailed? If your wife can't remember anything about it, then she was probably not able, legally, to give consent (a very drunk person legally cannot consent to sex: reportandsupport.gold.ac.uk/support/dispelling-myths-about-sexual-violence-know-the-facts) and, if that is the case, then this was rape. You don't have to explain but that all sounds really troubling and like it may warrant police involvement if that is what your wife wants.

Men use any excuse for a shag dont they.

Just end the marriage. It wasn't working anyway. Your revenge idea makes you sound about 14. Stop being a dick and make a new life for yourself which is happy and fulfilled

Take a break from eachother, some space will help you process what’s happened.

It doesn’t sound like the relationship was in a good place before this happened. If she’s feeling suicidal it’s important she gets some medical help, she may be depressed or having a MH episode.

So you want permission to ‘revenge cheat’? No support for your wife who was potentially taken advantage off whilst blackout drunk, and you call her a cheat whilst you were technically separated? I think you watch too much porn and you are better off apart. Egotistical pig.

exactement

‘Caught on CCTV’ - do you have cameras in your house? If so, does your wife know?
You were living apart when you say she cheated - had you split up, because, if so she wasn’t cheating and you say you want to fi the same?
You don’t say anything about loving your wife, wanting to get back together, or why you were split in the first place so I’m not sure what you want here, as you seem to be saying that you want to shag someone else to what, get revenge on your wife?
Sounds like you’re both better off apart.

Do not cheat back as a retaliatory thing. One you will regret it & 2 that will be the end of the marriage.

the questions you have to ask yourself are

do you love her more than your ego?
can you forgive her & rebuild the trust (if you hold grudges the answer is no)
can you show your wife love right now given her mental health
can you imagine your life without her in it

honestly, I have heard so many men who have been cheated on say the same about cheating back it hasn’t once in my experience led to the marriage continuing or making anything better.

now consider the fact you were on a break, she was very drunk & is remorseful. Her MH os clearly in the shed, is your need to love her & help her get better bigger than your bruised ego.

also if you were on a break are there other things you need to work on in the marriage, is counselling an option to help

Your wife had another cock in her and you’ve come to mumsnet asking if you should leave her or not.

How did we get here as a society?🤦‍♀️

Charming, have you missed your (red) pills today

It's over. Cheating yourself with ior without her knowledge won't even things out.

You sound like you're asking MN'ters for permission to go shag another lady?
Urm.
No, not really a great idea, not only because if what you say is true you're just reacting rather than dealing.

Calm down. Wait, think, take your time. If after this you still feel like you want a revenge shag then walk away from the relationship because it solves absolutely nothing. Sounds like your relationship was pretty much on the rocks anyway.

My first thought. It's annoying me how cynical I'm becoming reading threads on here. A fair few seem rather fanciful.

Yep.

My medication has nothing to do with it. If he takes her back he’ll be right back here in 3 months time asking how she could do it to him again after he gave her a second chance

One night stand, very drunk.
She's very remorseful, tried to take her own life.

Really? Over an ONS?

She can't remember anything.

But you've filled her in on the details, eh?

I caught her by chance due to CCTV. Saw/heard everything.

How did that come about then? Was it on your Ring doorbell?

To be clear, she's very loyal and this happened due to stress over our marriage and we were living apart for a month when it happened.

Why was that, then?

I've never even looked at another woman the entire time we've been together

Oh really?

Honestly @MyMindIsDone it sounds as dodgy as hell that you've got this on CCTV when you were living apart. Huge red flags already.

Your "unconventional" idea of a revenge shag is a terrible one. Although it might split you up sooner which would be a good thing.

You say you want to cheat, but in a more fun / sober way. So no distress or suicidal thoughts afterwards for you.
You won't be telling her about your revenge, or anyone else I guess so all nice and fun for you again.
I'm assuming you want an enjoyable sexual encounter and not to use some poor woman's body just for your own revenge!

Just ask to open the relationship. I don't understand why you want to keep your cheating secret but your wife's so public? Seems very unbalanced.

Were you secretly filming her?

If you’re half the good man and husband you say you are, the thought of evening up the score in this manner would make you feel sick.

If you've been secretly filming your wife in her own home, she should leave you and call the police.