Baby Daddy left whilst i was pregnant & met someone else

[julybaby15]

Hi :)

I am really struggling at the moment to understand what has happened to me.

I was with my ex partner for 1 year and things moved very quickly. I got pregnant after a month but we lost the baby, we then kept trying and i got pregnant again a few months later. During this period, i lost my pet dog who was my absolute world and i was grieving him alot. I wasnt myself as i was trying to navigate through the first trimester also. Me and my ex argued alot around the last month of our relationship - mainly due to my grief and his drinking. He decided to leave me when i was 3 months pregnant and asked me to leave his house. (I am now 30 weeks pregnant so around 4.5 months has passed since our split) and i recently learnt that he had been seeing someone pretty much from the moment we split. Which leads me to believe that she is the reason why we split as he was telling me how much he loved me just a week or so prior.

Im 33 years old, my ex is 30 and the new girl he is seeing has recently turned 21. She is very young and she actually knows me and knows i am pregnant.

I have spoken to her, and she told me that she didnt know the full extent of everything and that he told her we ended mutually and that we are friends, which is so far from the truth. He completely broke my heart and left me at my most vulnerable time. It all still seems very raw to me and i am struggling to have any kind of relationship with him as he has hurt me so much.

The girl told me she was going to call things off with him as she is so young and doesnt want to be involved in this. I later found out that this actually didnt happen and theyve been getting stronger ever since.

He has blocked me from everything, so has she, not like i was even trying to communicate because i wasnt. He has said he wants to be in the babies life but his actions aren't reflecting this at all.

I have been going through the worst time of my life due to something we both planned together - it seems he has gotten away with everything and has moved on happily and im stuck, not being able to do the usual things i would do after a break up and i am really struggling with mentally about what he has done.

He is also portraying me as the bad person - saying that nothing he did was enough for me and that we werent happy for a long time. But i never saw this coming, we only argued because i was going through a tough time when i lost my dog and fell pregnant.

I just dont really know where to go from here and wondering if anyone has been in a similar position?

I am really trying to be strong for the baby but he is just choosing to hurt me constantly and i cant seem to pull my head away from it :(

Sounds like it wasn’t a good, healthy or supportive relationship since you were arguing after only a few months together.

At the end of the day, your feelings and his feelings about each other are secondary to what is best for your baby. You must learn to love the child more than you hate each other.

Communicate only about the baby and only when necessary, sort out a plan as to how you will co parent and go to CMS once the baby is born to ensure he pays for him/her.

Please don’t be tempted to hurt him by denying him access to the baby or to put your feelings ahead of those of your child

Don't put his name on the birth certificate

Sorry, its important to note that i got pregnant after one month (January) and our relationship was amazing up until October when i lost my dog and got pregnant around the same time. It was after this it got hard as i was very emotional and trying to navigate my grief and also celebrate being pregnant at the same time. We had many holidays together in just one summer, never really argued, had a nice home etc.

I understand what youre saying though. Its just very difficult when he doesnt care about me whilst i am pregnant - surely the feelings i feel are also felt by my daughter? Its very hard but i have not said he cant be in the babies life. Its just a very difficult and unfair situation i feel.

It is and I fully sympathise - my ex left me when pregnant for another woman following an affair so I have been exactly where you are.

It took time and a lot of faking it until I made it etc but I have truly just let it go. We are civil and friendly, we coparent respectfully and our daughter is now 2.

Forgiving him and moving on isn’t showing weakness, it’s showing supreme strength on your part and is honestly the best thing you can possibly do for your ongoing peace of mind!

It was a very new relationship with this man when you got pregnant, wasn't it? Pregnant within a month and then again a few months later? I doubt you had time to have a basis for planning a future. Certainly he wasn't ready. I don't know what advice you want. It looks like you've made your bed. Sorry. Just claim child maintenance and be more patient next time.

Thank you, you are right.

I did know him for 5 years prior as he worked at the gym i go too - so i had always known him and been on a friendly level with him for a long time prior.

But of course, thats surface level, and things did move quickly yes but it was very much him who wanted to keep trying for a baby. I know that doesnt make much of a difference though, but thank you :)

This - you were actively trying for a baby when you were just a few months into knowing this man (unless I've misunderstood the timelines here?)

I know you've got a lot on your plate right now but it's worth reflecting on why you moved so fast. That's not enough time to really know whether someone is capable of being a good partner or father.

You must have emotional whiplash! That’s a really hard thing to go through, but just know he’ll continue to be that chaotic throughout his life. Dating someone little older than a teenager after purposefully getting you pregnant is very telling to his character and nature. He’s not getting his happily ever after though, he could settle down with her etc and it will never really last because he can’t handle real life and difficult emotions- marriage is full of those. Perhaps you can shift your thinking a little, even if only out of necessity. Maybe all the love and excitement for the future can now be funnelled into your little baby, and he can just be a side character in the amazing life you make for the two of you.

Hi op I got dumped when pregnant. Being cheated on is horrible pain. Having both happen at the same time is testing the limits of human endurance!

the main advise I have is the following : you WILL be ok and have a happy life and enjoy your motherhood. Hold onto that. Lean on all your support systems (not him) now including your midwife who will be so protective and supportive. Stop contacting him full stop. Don’t have any expectations that he will care about you at all or have any empathy for your or caring thoughts. He will be putting up a block now so he can avoid his shame and guilt. Focus on yourself and baby only.

don’t send him scans or updates just reply you’ll be in touch when baby is born and please don’t contact you in the meantime.

whwbe you’re ready after baby is born let him know, give baby your surname and dads surname can be middle name (to save him takin you to court for double barrel like my ex tried to!) and visits should be short and supervised while baby is a newborn, and build up to longer later if he is consistent and safe.

This is obviously the risk you take having a baby with someone you barely know. He turned out to be a total loser, which you would have figured out eventually anyway. But now you are saddled with the waster for life, or at least the concept of him, if he totally buggers off.

My friend’s partner left her when she was 3 months pregnant. Just up and moved out one day and said he changed his mind about being a dad. 🤷🏻‍♀️ He met someone new a couple months later, they got married and went on to have 3 more children. He’s never met his eldest. He is forced to pay CMS, but decided that having her in his life would be ‘too hard’. 🙄 She’s 15 now. Her mum has given her a wonderful life and she’s a great kid. You can be a fantastic mum without this deadweight. Enjoy your baby and make sure there is someone around to support you in the early weeks especially with overnights and sleep.

Agree entirely

Since you’re not married, you can’t put his name on the birth certificate unless he goes with you to register the birth certificate. If he is named on the birth certificate, that will give him parental rights over your shared child. You might want to consider whether you actually want that. He can get himself added later if determined to do so (by court order) but you don’t necessarily want that situation from the outset.

I'm so sorry he's done this. It would be one thing if he said he didn't want to be a dad, but to say he does and then treat you like this is wrong. And the other woman is as bad if she knew the situation-yes, she is younger, but by 21 you should know it's not ok to be with a man who has abandoned his pregnant partner.

In the space of a year you’ve gotten pregnant twice and split up, that’s too much too soon. Why on earth were you trying so much when you hadn't been together long. I’m sorry he’s found someone else. Focus on you and your baby. In time when you’re ready your person will come.

Unfortunately you’ve made a bad judgement and poor decisions. Fortunately you want this baby and will probably learn to be more adult all round as a result.

Agree with this. At age 30 you really should have known better than to get pregnant after a month of being in a relationship - I’ve had longer relationships with cheese in my fridge.

Sadly, on a small scale this is exactly why women can and are treated so badly, because we can get pregnant and are lives can be so easily turned upside down. Men can and often do just walk away.

I am so sorry that this is your life now. You will I have no doubt falling love with your baby when it comes and time will heal. You will meet a decent man (they are out there, unbelievable but true) and life will get easier. Strengthen yourself emotionally would be my advice and do some inner work to discover why you went down this road in the first place. It was very unlikely to end well and there must be a reason for why you were trying for a baby with someone you’d only intimately known for weeks.
I wish you strength.

OP it takes years to know if someone is suitable life partner let alone a father for your child. You didn't know this man at all and he is just not someone who you hoped he was. The sooner you accept it the sooner you will be able to move on.
I know it is very difficult for you right now but you are better off without him and you can have a fulfilling life with your baby, just focus on your own stability and happiness. He really isn't worth your time and your worries - he is not a good man or a right partner and if his new girlfriend doesn't see that yet it's not your problem. You're well rid of him.

I think you’re going to have to concentrate on looking forward and making plans for how it’s going to work practically. Have you got people in your life who can help? What about the financial aspects? I doubt he has a ton of money if he works in a gym.

( Some men are very taken by the idea of impregnating women. They don’t want the actual baby or the family or even the woman for that matter it just makes them feel masculine in an Andrew Tate way. Forget her by the way - she’s as taken in by him as you were.)

Sorry you've had such a horrible year. This man isn't trustworthy so you need to take charge now and think about your baby and how to care of her. Look for support from family and friends.

You basically got pregnant by a stranger.

First off I want to say I really do feel for you. He’s treated you terribly and I can imagine the pain you are in.

That said, you need to take your share of the responsibility for being in this position. I say this because you have a child on the way, and that child deserves you not to be bitter and angry at their father. Yes he’s a shitbag for leaving you. But he left you at a stage of your relationship where most people would only just be thinking about living together, not already 3 months pregnant. You say it was him that wanted to try for a baby - you need to learn to identify red flags, and that was a huge one. No-one really knows how they will be as a parent, let alone how their partner will be - but you take your time to get to know each other, discuss what you both want out of life, what your thoughts are on parenting styles (check you are both opposed to physical punishment/smacking, for example), where you will live, childcare or a SAHP, marriage or co-habit, finances, etc. Only once you are on the same page do you start to think about when would be a good time to start trying! You skipped ALL of those steps. You say you knew him because he worked at the gym you went to - you didn’t know him at all. You knew his customer service persona. And if he was hitting on you, as a customer of the gym, he’ll be hitting on other women there too.

You can’t go back in time, but you can change your approach to future relationships. You HAVE to do that, for the sake of your child. Don’t rush to move in with a new man, and for gods sake don’t introduce a new man to your child until you are absolutely certain he’s in it with you for the long haul, and not just love bombing you. There’s a thread on here at the minute about a woman who has been with her husband for 12 years. He is step-dad to her 15 year daughter and in her life since 3 years old. She’s just found out he started making incest porn sexual comments to her last year. There will be men out there that target single mothers for access to a child. Learn to really vet any man you date and if he pushes to move things faster than you are ready for, he’s not the one for your family.

I wish you luck with the rest of your pregnancy. I agree about not putting him on the birth certificate and going for CMS immediately. Don’t chase him to he in your child’s life, but don’t actively block it either. If he actually steps up and wants to see her, facilitate that for her benefit. I suspect you won’t see him for dust though. Sorry.

He wanted you to get pregnant quickly? Massive red flag. It doesn’t feel like it now but you have dodged a bullet here. Look how quickly he left you knocked up and he doesn’t give a shit. He just wanted to make you vulnerable.

Don’t make it easy for him, don’t give the baby his name or put him on the birth certificate, and prepare to be a single parent. You can do it, and it will be easier without him fucking with your head (and he will, be prepared for nothing about this to be fair but you came across a coercive, controlling git and he is just showing you his true colours.

Don't put him on the birth certificate, you are going to have to do this on your own. You are more that capable of managing this, and of being a great mum. Please don't try to bring another man into the child's life, you don't need one. And stop using the 'Baby Daddy' phrase, it makes you sound about 17 and not very bright.

This is why people say to wait at least 6 months before moving in together and at least double that before trying for a baby because you can’t know someone properly before that.

Neither of you are bad people, you are just incompatible.
The relationship wasn’t working and it’s good that you acknowledge that you were part of the problem.

He isn’t going to stay single just because you are pregnant.
If he’s not with this woman then he’ll be with someone else and making peace with that will make your life easier.

You are a single mum now.
He may be a fantastic co-parent or he may not be involved at all, you’ll just have to wait and see.

You don’t need to speak to his new gf and you only need to speak to him when regarding the baby and even that I would keep to a minimum.

Good luck with the baby.
Just because things haven’t gone as you had planned, doesn’t mean you won’t have an amazing life and be a great mum 💐