Baby Daddy left whilst i was pregnant & met someone else

[julybaby15]

Hi :)

I am really struggling at the moment to understand what has happened to me.

I was with my ex partner for 1 year and things moved very quickly. I got pregnant after a month but we lost the baby, we then kept trying and i got pregnant again a few months later. During this period, i lost my pet dog who was my absolute world and i was grieving him alot. I wasnt myself as i was trying to navigate through the first trimester also. Me and my ex argued alot around the last month of our relationship - mainly due to my grief and his drinking. He decided to leave me when i was 3 months pregnant and asked me to leave his house. (I am now 30 weeks pregnant so around 4.5 months has passed since our split) and i recently learnt that he had been seeing someone pretty much from the moment we split. Which leads me to believe that she is the reason why we split as he was telling me how much he loved me just a week or so prior.

Im 33 years old, my ex is 30 and the new girl he is seeing has recently turned 21. She is very young and she actually knows me and knows i am pregnant.

I have spoken to her, and she told me that she didnt know the full extent of everything and that he told her we ended mutually and that we are friends, which is so far from the truth. He completely broke my heart and left me at my most vulnerable time. It all still seems very raw to me and i am struggling to have any kind of relationship with him as he has hurt me so much.

The girl told me she was going to call things off with him as she is so young and doesnt want to be involved in this. I later found out that this actually didnt happen and theyve been getting stronger ever since.

He has blocked me from everything, so has she, not like i was even trying to communicate because i wasnt. He has said he wants to be in the babies life but his actions aren't reflecting this at all.

I have been going through the worst time of my life due to something we both planned together - it seems he has gotten away with everything and has moved on happily and im stuck, not being able to do the usual things i would do after a break up and i am really struggling with mentally about what he has done.

He is also portraying me as the bad person - saying that nothing he did was enough for me and that we werent happy for a long time. But i never saw this coming, we only argued because i was going through a tough time when i lost my dog and fell pregnant.

I just dont really know where to go from here and wondering if anyone has been in a similar position?

I am really trying to be strong for the baby but he is just choosing to hurt me constantly and i cant seem to pull my head away from it :(

Why would she not put him on the birth certificate?

This is why a 'baby daddy' (sorry, threw up a little in my mouth typing that) should always be a husband first.

It doesn't always weed them out, but it is your duty to your child, if you want children, to find them the best father you can. You'll realise how much this relationship matters as your child grows older. 'Daddy issues' is a thing and can set a child up for a much harder life.

Some women do their best and still get lied to, so that is 100% on the man. I'm afraid if you don't even bother to vet a man and check he is 100% committed before trying to get pregnant, you have to take some of the responsibility.

Because if he's on the birth certificate he has control over life changing decisions - where they can live, where the child goes to school, block holidays abroad or indeed a move abroad etc. But he will not have to ever see the child or pay any Child Maintenance.
He can get himself put on the birth certificate later but probably won't bother.
Why gift a man like this control over their lives for 18 years?

Because they are not married he can only go on the birth certificate if he's there when she registers the birth. If he is not on the birth certificate he does not have any legal parental rights, so e.g. he can't prevent the child having medical treatment or going to the school of the mother's choice. It is not in @julybaby15 interests to have him on the birth certificate, if he wants to be an involved parent he can reapply later to be added. Not having his name on the birth certificate will not have any impact on her ability to get child support.

Also, give your child your surname when you register the birth, do not include the father's surname. If he wants to be an involved parent that can be discussed later.

Did he even say he wants to be on the child’s BC and be immediately liable for child maintenance etc?

Does he want to attend the registry office with OP to have it done?

Why would OP go out of her way to give this man extra rights to a child he may not be involved with?

🙄

OP said that he said he wants to be involved.

If he’s going to step up and be involved then why would he not be on the BC like OP will be.

You can’t just not put someone on the birth certificate, simply because you are jealous that he’s in a new relationship.

Making her leave his house , blocking her on social media and not involving himself with the pregnancy are not the signs of a man who’s going to be a reliable parent and I wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate either. But hey… he’s still got time to step up. Maybe he could go and buy some of the many things the OPs going to need. Perhaps he’s preparing a nursery in his house as we speak for the all the time he’s going to have the baby over at his house.

You can't simply put a man on a birth certificate if you're not married, otherwise you could put anyone. If he wants to be on the birth certificate he needs to go with her to the registrar's off.

He made her leave his house because they were arguing, which OP has admitted was her wrongdoing.

Arguing and being stressed is incredibly unhealthy for a developing foetus and no way a suitable environment to bring a new baby into.

He absolutely did the right thing by ending things and asking her to leave.
What are you suggesting was the alternative?

He has blocked her because OP kept messaging him and his gf.
Obviously he should not have blocked her as she’s carrying his child but until the baby is born, we have no idea what he’s going to be like and could definitely step up.

This baby was planned and if once it’s born OP wants him involved and to pay maintenance, then he absolutely should be on the BC.
If he chooses to not be involved then obviously he shouldn’t be and wouldn’t be there to sign it anyway.

There is of course alot more to this that i didnt add to the thread as i wanted to keep it basic. But, the house in question - everything in that house was in my name, the sofa i paid for, the bed, the kitchen appliances, everything was bought by me as he couldnt afford it and we were on the same page as far as the house was concerned (or so i thought we were) as we both believed it was a step up from the small flat we were living in and we had a baby on the way. It wasn't his house, it was 'ours' or if we are being honest, mainly mine. I just couldnt afford the rent on my own which is why he asked me to leave and he moved his friend in to pay half the rent (who is a drug dealer may i add - and this is common knowledge in my area) but he made out he only moved him in to help with the living costs as he couldnt afford it alone and he will leave when the baby is born. Fast forward to now, the baby is due soon but they are still living in that house, throwing parties, having multiple girls over etc. The person he moved into the house has crashed 3 cars in 2 months as he was driving under influence and my ex partner is just ok with being associated with this person, despite the fact he has a baby on the way. I am not saying he is also doing these bad things, but to be living with someone and have an association with them is not responsible for someone who has a baby on the way.

I never admitted that this was my wrong doing - all i said was that i lost my dog and got pregnant at the same time which are both life altering experiences, i was going through something and wasnt myself and needed his support, i wouldnt say this is wrong doing on my behalf. He just couldnt cope with the emotional load and he was drinking alot (which he used to do before i met him but that got better) but he started drinking again when i was going through this and this put alot of strain on the relationship.

I also did not keep messaging him and his GF. His new GF was actually someone i knew from the gym. So when i found out, i reached out to her to find out what the hell was going on as anyone would do. She sent me voice notes back and fore for 3 days telling me she didnt realise the depths of it and that she was told we finished on mutual grounds and are friends etc. Which is very far from the truth. She even started speaking to me about my baby saying how she will be amazing and change my life etc and that i didnt deserve any of this.

I have left him alone completely - of course i went a bit crazy when i first found out about this other girl but since then i didnt contact him - he just blocked me and never spoke to me again - not even to apologise etc. He has just spoken to my mum once or twice.

With the way he has acted, i have decided i am not putting him on the birth certificate until he can prove that he is a good dad. He doesnt have a very good history with substances and has alot of anger problems (which are all things i knew about and should never ever have had a baby with him, im fully aware of that and i do take accountability for this) but its done now.

I dont need money from him. I have enough support but i do want to gice my daughter the opportunity of having a dad and ill never take that away from her unless he truly messes up, which only time will tell.

Thank you for your advice.

You're making very poor decisions. He sounds like a waste of space - why would you want to get involved with someone like that, let alone have a child with them! You need to focus on your self esteem and making a better life for yourself and the baby. Raise your bar.