Were we out of order

[Sticksandstones6]

DH and I have been together over 45 years but only got married 5 years ago. We didn’t tell anyone that we were getting married not even our 7 children, who have all left home. One child found out! They found our marriage certificate. They were looking for their birth certificate and came across it. No big deal, that’s it they know. They are all fine, they know their dad and I can’t bear any fuss and weather we are married or not makes no difference to them. However our daughter in law is furious and won’t talk to us. She says we have deceived them. My son says she’ll get over it and don’t worry about her. Did we deceive them or is it no one’s business but ours?

If your actual children are ok about it, your DIL has very little to say on the matter.

Likely she can't imagine it in her family and is projecting. Some people can't imagine that things can be different from what they "know" to be the "right" way to do things.

Blimey. She’s dramatic. It’s got nothing to do with her.

What business is it of hers? If her husband is fine with it then she needs to get a grip on herself

She won’t talk to you? I wouldn’t care tbh, she has nothing to do with your life choices. Weirdo.

Well its your business. But it is a bit bizarre to leave it 45 years in the first place. Then get married and not tell anyone. But just as silly of her not to talk to you.

I think it's really endearing that you did it just the two of you.

I assume DIL had her own wedding?! Why is how you chose to have yours open for debate?

I have found it's always quite a refreshing break when infantile people 'arent speaking to you' 🤣

It's seems bizarre she'd care. You've been together nearly half a century! It's hardly running off to the Gambia and marrying the first 21 year old waiter who crosses your path?!

Just forget what she thinks on the subject. I'm surprised she didn't basically assume you were already married for decades.

We got married for financial reasons. We have an accumulated a lot of assets during our years together and we wanted a straightforward transfer of assets when one of us dies. Neither of us ever wanted to get married but sometimes needs must.

I expect they got married for IHT purposes. It's a sensible Financial Planning strategy.

It’s got bugger all to do with her and if I was your son, I’d be telling her that, whether she liked it or not.

Slightly odd not to mention it to the kids but certainly none of your DIL's business. Is she typically so unreasonable and dramatic?

When she says you have deceived them, what exactly does she mean? Do you think she means emotionally/morally or that she thought your son would have some sort of inheritance that she thinks he now wouldn’t get?

It's absolutely none of her business.

She obviously is one of those who thinks the razzamatazz of a wedding is the most important thing about people getting married.

Fwiw when I married my first H I didn't tell anyone, not even my parents. He only told his brother because he was one of the witnesses. We had a lovely wedding . As opposed to my second wedding which was ruined by my family because, as usual, it became all about my sister.

Money sounds more like a plausible reason. But then I'm a cynic.
Good for you though OP getting things in order financially for you and your h though, saves a lot of aggro for the future.
DIL not speaking? She needs to grow up and get over it. Hopefully your son will get it through to her "It's about mum and dad, not us, it's their business not ours."

I think it may be because she thought her relationship was more valid than ours because she and my son are married. The marriage was a big deal to her. It was a beautiful wedding, but we don’t like that sort of thing fo us.

Some people just have to make everything about themselves and can’t resist the opportunity to be self righteous. I would just ignore her

Maybe wills need changing dur to the marriage so some reason 1 or more kids may need to know in the future

We had the most lovely day we found two people who were down on their luck and paid them to be our witnesses. They had a great day too. Then we went out and just spent the day together drinking and laughing.

Is DIL prone to making everything about her? I would just ignore her bad behaviour.

It's weird though. Why is she so bothered?

Is it the transfer of assets thing. There's extra waiting time for her to get some coin? (Not sure how it all works)

I thought minor players in an event trying to place themselves front and centre only happened in soap opera!

Your financial planning measures are none of her business. This was about where your assets go and making that process easier for the surviving partner. She's got a lot of nerve.

Stay mad, DIL.

Tell her to wind her neck in, absolutely nothing to do with her. She needs to stay in her own lane. Jesus some people have to make everything about them.

Have you been vocally anti marriage and she thinks you’re being hypocritical to have done it quietly and not told anyone?

Maybe wills need changing due to the marriage....

If op and her dh had made wills prior to the marriage, they will need to be redone, because a will is invalidated by marriage - unless it is stated to be made 'in contemplation of marriage'.

But it is absolutely none of dil's business and in op's place I would just ignore the tantrum.