Were we out of order

[Sticksandstones6]

DH and I have been together over 45 years but only got married 5 years ago. We didn’t tell anyone that we were getting married not even our 7 children, who have all left home. One child found out! They found our marriage certificate. They were looking for their birth certificate and came across it. No big deal, that’s it they know. They are all fine, they know their dad and I can’t bear any fuss and weather we are married or not makes no difference to them. However our daughter in law is furious and won’t talk to us. She says we have deceived them. My son says she’ll get over it and don’t worry about her. Did we deceive them or is it no one’s business but ours?

No never ant marriage. We are both lucky enough to have parents that have been married over 70 years. It just wasn’t for us. It was never important. Now we’re older and the end of our lives is coming closer you have to reevaluate.

Yanbu. You’ve been sensible re the assets you’ve accumulated.

That said, I think I would have sent a message a little after the event on a family group chat saying look guys we got married in a quick and simple thing so that financial stuff wouldn’t be problematic.

My dm and her dp had been together 30+ yrs and weren’t married. Was a right pain in the arse when they died and could have been severely detrimental to mum if I hadn’t fought a company that wanted to seriously shortchange her for not being married.

Were you not planning on telling them ? If you see you only did it for legal purposes why keep it a secret afterwards ? How long after the wedding did they find out ?

DIL has mental issues, ignore and move on

No we wasn’t planning on telling them at all, or anyone else. We know what it will be like “ oh how wonderful you’ve done it at last “ etc etc. we can’t stand it. It saves us having to be rude and say “ just shut up keeping on will ya” And our family’s still will keep on.

She sounds bitter. I’d ignore her sulk.
We’ve been together a long time, we have children, and only got married when our solicitor & accountant both advised it.
I’d been reluctant, we have such a great relationship, I was concerned that being married would change it - it didn’t, thankfully.
Many people were annoyed at us.
We just had ourselves, our two young children, and two friends as witnesses.
We told no-one, as, like yourselves, we didn’t want a fuss.
In the evening, we sent texts and emails - some people were livid, others felt deceived, but, either they got over it, or they didn’t.
We have no regrets, we did it to keep ourselves, and our children, financially secure.
I’d suggest, you get on with your life and let your DIL stew!

What a drama queen …l love that you paid two random witnesses to have a good time and enjoy the event ! Sounds totally stress free . Congrats too .

I can’t fathom why she cares but I don’t think she’s the only drama queen……. Sometimes people who ‘can’t bear a fuss’ create one by their ludicrous commitment to being fuss-free……I think not even mentioning your marriage to your children perhaps falls into this category…,.

Genuinely low key people would have got married and then messaged their children. If it were really unbearable to have anyone message back ‘congratulations’ simply put the phone in the kitchen and go to bed.

How’s your relationship with DIL usually? Is she just using this as an excuse to express her dislike?