Can you forgive an abusive parent and rebuild a relationship?

[Downtherabbithole34]

Were you neglected or abused as a child and if so, have you found a way to "forgive" and have relationships with your parents?

I'm feeling in a reflective mood and it's something I often think about. As a child from the ages of about 9-17 my mother was horrid to her children. Especially me, because I reminded her of my dad, who had recently left her because of her drinking and horrible abusive behaviour. She hated me so much and would telle every day how ugly and fat I was, just like my dad. She would get drunk and throw things at me, push me down the stairs, kick me while I was on the floor, pull my hair. She held a pillow over my face once and even used to force me to eat massive plates of food to "prove" that I was a fat piece of shi*t. She would do other things too but these are the things that stand out the most to me.

She was an alcoholic and always had money for drink and cigs, but we used to sit in the dark, and eat tins of beans, cold from the can cos we had no electric while she would be good knows where. I had older siblings and they left home years ago, they have no relationship with our mother either. I had younger siblings too, but one of them died aged 8 and the abuse from my mother only became more abhorrent. Even blaming me for his death.

I've not spoken to my mother for well over 10 years. We live in the same small town but somehow I've managed to avoid her, up until today, when I drove passed her. Instantly, I started sweating, shaking, I felt sick, and started crying..not from fear but I guess just anxiety??

She ruined my life and I suffer with a variety of mental illness now, including debilitating anxiety and OCD.

Sometimes I think I can forgive her, she's still my mum and I felt sadness when I saw her and she looked old and lonely and sad.

Had anyone else been neglected like this as a child and actually overcame it and had a relationship again with their parents??

Honestly, don't feel any guilt if you don't ever have a relationship with your mother. It isn't your guilt to bear. I don't remember much from my childhood, only what my siblings have told me. For that reason I do have a relationship with my mum but it's distant.

My oldest sibling has not spoken to her for years, she has not met her grandchildren and wasn't even invited to my sister's wedding. If I ask she will say she would rather not talk about it so I guess the things she can remember (nearly 10 years older than me) must be even worse. I don't know why I feel so guilty about it. Especially when I know that my life would be better and easier had it not been for her.

Honestly, given what you describe? No.

On MN you will get people saying things like "my mother was a controlling narc" or something similarly meaningless, and it generally turns out she is simply a fairly difficult person.

My dad was/ is like that - constant criticism, nasty little comments, a few physical things but nothing major.

That is, for me, "forgivable".

Stuff like holding a pillow on your face... Jesus. I am so sorry. No, you should never go back.

OP I really feel your pain, I never really go deep in posts but I had a really awful childhood like you, I too lost a younger sibling when I was just 7 years old, this sent my mum off the rails she would self harm take overdoses in front of us, shouting and swearing lots of arguments with my dad eventually at the age of 9 they took my mum away and detained her on s hospital order under the mental health act.

I didn't see her again until almost my 16th birthday my dad was away a lot visiting my mum who was all the way in West Yorkshire, I was left with a so called friend of the family who abused me sexually and mentally for many years, this caused me to go off the rails, getting into trouble with the police, around 13 it was drugs, underage sex, getting into trouble with the police etc, my mum came home just before my 16th birthday but I was not allowed to open up about the abuse I suffered, when my abuser went to prison, it just felt my parents, didn't want me to talk about it anymore.

Sadly a few years after coming home my mum developed stage 3C oviran cancer, so I didn't get any closure or a chance to talk about forgiveness, my dad passed away about 4 years ago and I feel now, that sadly I won't ever get to ask any questions or get any closure.

None of what happened op is your fault in any way if you choose not to forgive that's absolutely fine nobody will judge you for it and it's absolutely your choice, that power that people had over you in your childhood is no longer there, you have that choice but I absolutely know how difficult it can be op and I absolutely wish you the best whatever you decide.

It’s shit isn’t having a mum like that.
Mine was absolutely vile, she’d leave me and my brother downstairs while she spent her days loudly screwing anything that would take her, wonder around stark bollock naked like it was something to be proud of.
She’d have affairs with school friends dads, so school was fun when there mums found out.
I was born 14 weeks early.. a real miracle 45 years ago and she’d tell me she used to pray next to my incubator that I’d die, that she should have aborted me.
There was never enough money for food to last the week yet she managed 20 fags a day. I wore socks in my knickers because she wouldn’t buy sanitary towels.
I haven’t spoke to her in 5 years now, god knows why I took so long to go no contact. My younger sister doesn’t speak to her either. My life is better without her in it. She’s never once apologised, she has nobody.. not a friend to her name because she’s a nasty vicious bitch. I heard last year she was sick and I did get pangs of guilt.. but then I pictured myself as a 4 year old and thought screw her, you reap what you sow. I’d love nothing more than a normal mum but it’s never going to happen. Don’t feel bad op, there’s no excuse for treating your children this way.

I think it would be reasonable to not forgive. She ruined your childhood formative years.

Wow, I'm sorry you went through all of that. Sounds very similar to my childhood. My mother sis apologised to me and I have messages she sent me admitting it all and saying she just couldn't cope. I do often have to stop myself sometimes, I'm terrified of becoming just like her.

I think people have, yes, but only by really no longer seeing the woman as a mother. Expecting nothing of her and choosing to give a minimum of care because of duty. I think that for them what's happened is not forgotten or really forgiven, but for some people (not all) this bare minimum of deliberate and detached care has allowed them a sort of peace, not so much at the time as looking back at the end of their own lives.

Others have severed all contact and that was the right thing to do.

In both situations the adult daughter has had to grieve the mother they should have had, and give up hope of ever gaining a loving connection with the mother they've been cursed with.

Some people just absolutely do not deserve the children they've been given. They really aren't fit to look after a hamster never mind a sensitive human child.

I think people have, yes, but only by really no longer seeing the woman as a mother.

My very abusive parent was my father. He abused my mum as well. I formed a different relationship with him as an adult, making the most of his likeable qualities and never referencing my childhood. I sometimes 'watched' my brother's kids when he was with them, at my SIL's request. He asked if I was sitting in to keep an eye on him, I said yes. It was the only time either of us acknowledged what we both knew about his nasty side.

Once I finally did therapy, I realised that Mum had let me down very badly as well. It would've been virtually impossible to leave him while I was young but she continued to adore him, which I found very hard. With support from my therapist on 'holding the space' and being compassionate, I set up a series of talks with her about the harm it had done. I understood she couldn't have saved me but I wanted her to acknowledge the damage and stop pretending there were no bad sides to our shared past.

It was difficult for us both, but went well. Afterwards I felt we were much closer, more as women who cared about one another than as mother and daughter.

I suspect that the healing came because your mother was able to be open yo what you were saying and listen and take you seriously, @GarlicMind

Was your father ever sorry for how nasty he'd been?

I think there is still alot to be worked through by the the physical symptoms you described on passing her so maybe therapy & acceptance for what happened to you is a far better goal to me.

You seem to have some guilt that she is alone but she did that to herself and If she had been just a friend would you think of forgiving those awful things ?

Families are suppose to love and support you more than anyone else and she did not do those things.

I had an awful childhood and know that in my heart I could never truly forgive my mother so I have been no contact for many years and I have grieved for the mother that I never had and she is now elderly but she chose to treat her young defenceless children in the way she did.

Only you know if you are able to 'forgive' and if that is something that you want or are able to do.

Do you have kids, op? I'm just wondering as that can really affect the way you see an abusive parent. I'm sure your mum did struggle a lot and probably was the product of an awful family but it doesn't excuse the way she treated you. Nothing does.
If you have kids and have found the strength not to repeat these mistakes, then I'd happily never speak to her again. However, if you have kids and struggle yourself, perhaps there is room for forgiveness providing she is very remorseful and ready to finally look after you.
Relationships are so complex. No one is all bad but they can be bad for you. It's more than okay to cut her off if that makes your life any easier.

Do you want to have a relationship with her or are you just feeling guilty that you don’t ? If it were me, I wouldn’t open up old wounds and let her back into my life, especially if you have kids.

Not seen my mother for 35 years.
She ignored my fathers sexual abuse of me, then would use it against him when they argued.
I don’t miss her, I don’t hate her, I would never give her that much emotional energy.
She is nothing to me, will never meet her grandchild, knows nothing of my life.
Do not feel guilty about seeing your Mother, if you do it will rake up far more emotions than it would solve.
Sending you love x

Oh OP I'm so sorry. Some people leave a stain on your life.

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. I'd look within. You don't need to rush, just sit with it until you know. If you reconcile, I wouldn't expect an admission, acknowledgement or apology. You will likely get none of those and you have to be ok with that as well.

You feel sadness for your frail old mother because she did not harden your heart despite her revolting behaviour. You can have compassion but it doesn't need to be hitched to guilt.

There are confusing and often contradictory emotions involved in these situations. She is your mother, the only one you will have. She's also a nasty abusive person who damaged your life. It's normal to want a good relationship with a parent. You never stop craving that but with some parents it just won't happen.

I've heard it said that when abusive parents die you grieve for the parent you should have had not the one you got. That makes sense. As long as they are still here, there's a crumb of hope, against all odds that someday this can be recovered. When they die you know it never will be ❤

Dad wasn't sorry, no.

I have a toddler. She once sent me a message on FB saying she was going to take me to court for grandparents rights 😂🫣 I do sometimes worry that I am like her, and it's terrifies me I'll turn out like her. I think I just feel bad because she is alone.

I think I just feel guilty that she is alone. Even though I know that she did that to herself.

If she's talking about taking you to court, she's learnt no lessons. You are nothing like her. The fact that you worry about her means you aren't like her. You're clearly kind and caring. She has never worried about you and still doesn't if she's threatening you.
I'm guessing your worries about being like her are due to having issues with alcohol consumption? If this is the case, feel free to pm me. I'm in a similar situation x

I think everyone is different on this one.

My parents had good points but they were emotionally cold, very image focussed and both could both be quite nasty and when they found out about SA from my brother towards his two sisters that was severely prolonged in one case they were highly manipulative and emotionally abusive.

All that happened in the context of them being reasonably ok as parents growing up and reasonable grandparents and you know what I still don’t want a relationship with them.

So to me your situation to me it is an open and shut case. Your mother’s behaviour was extreme. It was significantly abusive. She is who she is now. She is seriously damaging for you. There is a huge emotional cost to this type of situation as you are experiencing but I have experienced some of the physiological symptoms you have described and they are no picnic. You will never ever have the Mum you deserved. She can never give you that.

Have they changed their behaviour? Made amends to you and been accountable for what they did wrong?

Forgiving isn’t just forgetting the past and moving on so that the abusive person never has to face what they did.

It’s assuming all the responsibility for the work of repair, doing the hard work and changing who you are so you can be the sort of parent you always should have been.

I am NC with my mum. She periodically, maybe 3-4 times a year, sends me an email (an email! Like we’re work colleagues 😂) to ask if I’m ready to get over what she did so we can reconcile as she isn’t going to live forever.

But she’s done absolutely nothing to change her dysfunctional life. She’s done nothing to fix our relationship. Years ago, I asked her to start individual therapy and then do family therapy with me (she is rich! About £6000 a month in pension and other income in retirement, she could be seeing a therapist every bloody day if she wanted). Still hasn’t done any of that. The only acceptable thing is to just get over it and pretend those things never happened.

I don’t even respond. Real forgiveness requires accountability. Most abusive people just want the easy road and to look good to the outside world. I’m not interested in playing happy families.

Based what you have described no, no forgiveness. No way no shape no how. Never. The fact that you worry you might turn out like her proves you are different and you won’t. Try to stop worrying about it and love and enjoy your family.

That little niggling sympathy you have for your mother - ignore it! Look the other way if you pass her again and don’t feel the slightest sympathy or guilt.

You deserved to be loved by your mother, but for her own reasons she was incapable. Now, I hope you have love and support in your life, and will be able to let go of those dreadful memories 💐

I don’t think there is any fixing this. What a wicked person your mum is.

You certainly cannot forgive someone who does not wish to be forgiven. For them to wish to be forgiven they have, first, to acknowledge that they did something wrong.

What you could do, is to decide that she is a different person now and that you wish for a relationship with her as she is now. That would not mean forgetting or putting to one side what she did and I strongly suggest that you do not try to do that.