Can a marriage recover after years without intimacy and affection?

[Notsoperfectdad]

Here’s the scenario of the relationship-

1. First 12 months of the relationship - healthy sex life
2. 1-3 years - a drop in frequency around once a month
3. 3-4 engagement - slight increase (1-2 times per month)
4. Year 4 - 5 marriage and trying for a baby lots of sex
5. Year 5-8 baby arrives no sex
6. Years 8-9 trying for baby no2 lots of sex.
7. Years 9 -14 sex once. Have slept in separate beds in this window.

Currently husband and wife are both 43.

Wife has issues with skin on her face (since teens) it’s not major but it is to her.

Husband (me) has been dealing with stress and anxiety for the last 2 years, been drinking to help, lost trust from his wife due to this. Is on medication, therapy and abstaining from alcohol.

The wife also does not offer any kind of affection either by touch or interest in other things about the husband. She is very affectionate to other family and friends.

We had a burglary 2 years ago, cameras were installed in various rooms one being next to the bedroom door in the hallway. The camera has picked up sounds that the wife is masturbating a number of times a week yet never shows an interest in being intimate, I’ve raised intimacy/affection with her but it’s often brushed aside as a ‘all couples go through this’.

can I ask if anyone has gone through similar experiences or offer any advice on how to get a loving affectionate and intimate relationship back?

Gosh OP a security camera picking up sounds of masturbating sounds seriously intrusive to me.

Surely if your marriage has any chance of recovery the first requirement is for both parties to want this to happen and to be willing to work on the marriage?

This one is dead in the water but you can leave and find a loving and affectionate relationship with someone else. Thenchances of your marriage recovering from this are zero. Cameras sound creepy.

I get that you are trying to present a neutral picture but you both sound very disconnected from each other.

TBH I would have said that when things dropped to once a month after a year, that was a sign of something. And now you haven’t had sex for five years??

Id say, have couples counselling. I wouldn’t be surprised if the marriage is over but you have children together, you are connected forever whatever happens. I agree that a partner who withdraws sex and then won’t talk about it seems to be incredibly common - so perhaps there are other things that need to be talked about. Find a forum to do that.

I know it sounds worse than it is, my wife keeps the bedroom door open to hear our children. I happened to check our cameras and there were sound alerts at certain times over the course of the week so I checked it and it was pretty obvious.

I have to fix my issues first however for me it felt like when I wanted to discuss this it was always brushed aside like her needs are being met and I don’t care about yours.

Maybe you could try counselling. It could be that you decide together it's time for a parting of the ways.

Lose the intrusive cameras...

All sounds a bit grim.

They are security cameras in our home. It’s not uncommon.

This isn't really a marriage, OP. Congratulations on your continuing sobriety.

How well do you get along outside the bedroom? Is there love, laughter, support and companionship?

Gross re the cameras. Very violating. Felt really creeped out just reading it. Also it has nothing to do with whether she wants to have sex with you.

It is very uncommon indeed to have cameras that pick up on what’s going on in your wife’s bedroom. Uncommon and gross.

@Notsoperfectdad have you actually spoken to your wife about this?

In short, I would think the distrust and probably running the household through your health issues has killed any connection and thus attraction. To women desire is connected to many things, it sounds like you need couples therapy tbh to uncover the real issues. I would hazard a guess there's a lot of resentment hanging around. It can be recovered yes, but with work from both parties and realistic expectations and goals.

You’ve kept a record over the years of how often you’ve had sex ? If your wife’s door is open I’d be highly surprised if she is masturbating, the kids could see? You don’t actually know that. And yes,
cameras are unusual upstairs in houses.

Your sex drives are completely mismatched. There is rarely any solution to this apart from separating. Unless one of you is prepared to live extremely unhappily? I’d just separate.

And internal cameras? If they’ve broken in on camera, why do you need any more than that? That’s the footage the police need surely?

You’ve kept a record over the years of how often you’ve had sex?

Lots of people do that, I used to. I wouldn’t see that as a bad thing.

Why were you even listening to the cameras in the first place?

I wish you hadn’t mentioned the cameras, that’s all anyone’s going to focus on. We have one in the kids room and get alerts about sound and movement, I know what you mean.

Beyond that, of course not all couples go through that and you both know it. She’s never going to have sex with you and the lack of any non sex touching or intimacy like hand holding or hugging means you’re living like housemates and that’s all it’ll ever be now.

If you don’t want to be celibate for the rest of your life then you should get a divorce.

It sounds like you’re kind of glossing over your drinking and “losing trust” from your wife.
Peoples’ behaviour tends to be quite bad when they are drinking too much because of the lack of inhibition and the affect it has on mood etc. If you were drinking too much to the point where it has affected your wife’s trust in you, I would imagine you said or did some things during that time that are not so easy to come back from.
You need to talk to your wife to find out if there’s any way to salvage this relationship.
Honestly, it doesn’t bode well that things had tailed off so much so early on. Again, you need to communicate with your wife. It’s the only way forward.

John Gottmans books - seven principles of making marriage work. Fight right. Also the 8 dates ones.

I recommend you buy all three. Read the first two and ask her to read them and then read them again together and discuss. Dedicate a good amount of time to this - a new hobby! Even read it out loud to each other and then discuss each section.

Then do the 8 dates book together.

Put your all into it - I think you will have a good idea, after completing the books, as to whether you can work together to create a relationship you are both happy with.

Maybe drinking was self-medicating anxiety stemming from the lack of the sex life?

You can fix what's broken, you cannot magic up what has never been in the first place.

As said in the post, my app had showed alerts of sound. So I checked to see what it was.

Your OP is ALL about sex. How has your actual relationship been? You know, talking to each other, sharing each other's days, laughing together, spending time together ... how is the housework / mental load etc divided?

Could she be carrying a truckload of resentment as to her experience after having had kids (shot in the dark) ...

Not at all. I’m taking action on that, the drinking started 2 years ago. The issues I’m highlighting were years before that. I agree that nothing can happen about the relationship until my wife can trust me again. I’m not approaching that conversation until she is ready. I want to be in a position that when she does know how I can in the right way.

We did have fun and mainly this was with our kids or her family. We rarely spend time together as just a couple although I’ve tried there is always some reason why we can’t, babysitter, money etc. we haven’t had a night away just the 2 of us in 9 years.

I do quite a bit around the house, I mainly do all the cooking, help with cleaning etc. of course I can do more around planning of things to do but that is one of my wife’s strengths and she likes to lead on that sort of thing.

I don’t think it’s resentment as I was very involved and made sure she could rest.

Do you also do food shopping, meal planning, and managing food spend? (Not suggesting you don't, just asking the follow up question.)

I can't hear in your posts why you like your wife, other than as mother to your children and someone to shag.

Why did you marry her? What have you got in common? Aside from sex, what would you like your relationship with her to look like?

Yes I do my share of everything in the house.

sorry I should have said I love my wife, we have fun together just not as much as a couple more as parents and with others.

I guess I would like her to view our relationship as a priority once in a while rather than I’ll get to that when I can/the other persons needs aren’t important to me because I’m more interested in something else. One of the things she did mention when we last had sex 2 years ago was that we were at our closest when trying for a baby, which a big part of that was because we were having sex multiple times a week. We were more connected to each other if that makes sense.