Can a marriage recover after years without intimacy and affection?

[Notsoperfectdad]

Here’s the scenario of the relationship-

1. First 12 months of the relationship - healthy sex life
2. 1-3 years - a drop in frequency around once a month
3. 3-4 engagement - slight increase (1-2 times per month)
4. Year 4 - 5 marriage and trying for a baby lots of sex
5. Year 5-8 baby arrives no sex
6. Years 8-9 trying for baby no2 lots of sex.
7. Years 9 -14 sex once. Have slept in separate beds in this window.

Currently husband and wife are both 43.

Wife has issues with skin on her face (since teens) it’s not major but it is to her.

Husband (me) has been dealing with stress and anxiety for the last 2 years, been drinking to help, lost trust from his wife due to this. Is on medication, therapy and abstaining from alcohol.

The wife also does not offer any kind of affection either by touch or interest in other things about the husband. She is very affectionate to other family and friends.

We had a burglary 2 years ago, cameras were installed in various rooms one being next to the bedroom door in the hallway. The camera has picked up sounds that the wife is masturbating a number of times a week yet never shows an interest in being intimate, I’ve raised intimacy/affection with her but it’s often brushed aside as a ‘all couples go through this’.

can I ask if anyone has gone through similar experiences or offer any advice on how to get a loving affectionate and intimate relationship back?

I am not a man so I am probably wrong about this but I believe that when men complain about a lack of sex, they're actually complaining they don't feel loved. What you want is your wife to love you. My recommendation is to try to reconnect in a completely non sexual way first. Go on dates, have fun, keep sex off the table for a little bit. See if you can rekindle some affection for one another. Try to compliment her as a woman. Court her as if you were dating her.

If this doesn't work it might be that your relationship has run its course.

Yes absolutely that’s why I added my wife is also not very affectionate. When we were trying for a baby we were very close and affectionate. Sex is just one part of feeling loved for men, are language is physical but not just sex.

I guess I’m asking if anyone has had experience of this either as a man or women in a similar scenario.

Surely if she and the kids are home, there are going to be sounds all the time?

I think you should have that function turned off if someone is home.

Just seems really creepy to be checking cameras etc when it's not an empty house.

It sounds like a counselling job to sort out a way forward. Be open to finding out whether there's resentments and other issues to work through from her point of view.

At the risk of massively overgeneralizing many women don't feel loved just by having lots of sex. They feel loved when they are given attention: feeling heard and seen.

It might be that she felt closer to you when you were having lot of sex because you were giving her a lot of affection/ attention because you were getting sex.

So now you are at an impasse. I'd recommend you being the one to break that. Give her attention and affection in a non sexual way and see what happens.

Saying to her "give me sex so I'll be affectionate to you" isn't going to work.

everyone was in bed, I was as per my OP in the spare room sleeping. I woke up to alerts on the camera which I checked because we had been burgled before and they were in the house including upstairs while we were sleeping. So no the cameras are not creepy.

My wife has issues with her skin which she needs to address however she has t done this when suggesting a therapist might help overcome the OCD element.

there is resentment from both sides.

Yes I’m fully aware that women need more emotional connection before the physical side. When we were trying for a baby we had all that, I am naturally the more affectionate one. My wife gets irritated by touch, if I try to hold hands or give her a hug. She doesn’t read the room and think maybe he needs this.

she acknowledges this before but she hasn’t done much to put things into action. Fast forward a few years and I’m now having a battle with my mental health and the choices I made to help surpass that. I know I’ve got a lot to do before she will open up her trust again.

im just seeing if anyone has any experience of this, even if you ignore everything else and the focus is how can I have a more affectionate, loving and close relationship with my wife that is a 2 way relationship.

how can I have a more affectionate, loving and close relationship with my wife that is a 2 way relationship.

By sorting out the below, most likely.
there is resentment from both sides

It's not sexy to have these unresolved issues. Probably worth trying relationship counselling to work through them.

Also, does your wife usually orgasm when you do have sex?

Have you told your wife about the sounds picked up the cameras? This is the very first thing you need to discuss so that she is aware and I think then you might want to lose the cameras - no it is not normal.

Your situation in general seems recoverable if you both still like each other. I’m not clear on what the losing trust over drinking actually entails, this might be the most serious issue and the biggest barrier to whether the situation can be recovered or not. I can’t say as I don’t know details.

If you are interested in more intimacy first and foremost trust has to be there. If it is, then make things a bit less pressured and show your interest but don’t push it, and have an open discussion about wanting to be more intimate.

Is there any way you can get babysitters and have some time alone as a couple? Not with any intimacy on the table, just reconnect by going out for dinner, to the movies and doing coupley things without any intent or attempt at physical intimacy. Getting back to doing some of these things for a while before approaching the question is a good idea.

Yeah, I have had experience of something like this in my relationship. I’m a woman though.
What I did to get things back on track: started treating my partner the way I wanted to be treated. Every time I had a thought like He never does this, or I wish he still did that, I would take a mental note and remember to do that for him.
It started with just small things, little considerations and kindnesses - make him a cup of coffee, pay him a compliment, take his side on things, get him a little gift etc
Reestablishing intimacy takes time. I started slow. A squeeze of the arm, rub his back when I pass, touch hands. It built up from there.
When you have kids it is very important to find the right time for intimacy. That is obviously when you have the time, the privacy and are both in the mood. It’s so hard with kids in the house and maybe there won’t be a good time. In this case, you will have to carve out some time somehow. It can be really tricky. Most people want it to feel at least somewhat spontaneous and not just shoehorned into any slot of time that’s available.
I hesitate to say it but you know what sort of time your wife gets the urge because of your security system. Do not mention that to her btw but down the line, maybe you could ask her if you can lie down with her for a bit around that time for a cuddle or offer her a massage or something.
It’s definitely possible to come back from lack of intimacy and affection. If there’s a will there’s a way, but you have to get on the same page.
It can be difficult but it sounds like you also need to have a good talk about some of the things you’ve both gone through so you can understand where each other are coming from.
Maybe suggest couples counselling to her. Even if you don’t actually do it it could be a way to open the conversation about improving your relationship. Tell her how much you love her and miss her and that you will do whatever it takes to get things back on track.
Good luck. I hope things work out