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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need help sticking to no contact

34 replies

Heartbreaksucks · 05/05/2026 11:33

I got dumped 6 weeks ago. It was only a 5 month relationship but it mattered to me. He was very keen from the start and said he was falling for me after about 6 dates (which included some full weekends). I do not believe this was manipulative love bombing, just that he was very keen to rush into something serious after his second failed marriage.

We both brought issues to the relationship and there were a couple of minor conflicts that neither handled well (me bottling things up and then being a bit teary after a few drinks, him escalating to talking over me and hanging up the phone). He ended it very abruptly in person and then later spoke on the phone and blamed me entirely for the breakup.

I have not handled the break up well. Despite being in my forties, this has been the most painful breakup I’ve had, worse than the end of my marriage. I had strong feelings for him and have blamed myself for the way it all fell apart. I’ve been slowly getting better but this weekend has sent me backwards in my recovery. We would have been going away together this weekend had we still been together. Instead, I ended up visiting my mum who has advanced dementia. Then I was told by a friend that she saw his profile on Bumble on Sunday evening. He had hidden his profile whilst we were dating and it’s the same one as when we met. My friend has swiped the full local deck on Bumble for weeks so the fact he has just appeared now suggests he has only just unhidden his profile.

I am prepared to be told I’m being ridiculous but the fact that he has taken some time to process the end of our relationship makes me think I did matter to him. And clearly he has not yet replaced me. This is making me want to message him and ask to chat. I want him back. I want to explain that I’ve learned from the experience and am having therapy to work on my insecurities. That I’ve given up alcohol all together (was not an alcoholic but it certainly reduced my filter).

I know it is probably unwise to message. I know it could make me feel even worse. I know he could have reached out in these weeks and has chosen not to. But a tiny part of me thinks I should just make sure there is not chance of trying again. There was so much good there… he said he had never had such a connection with sense of humour and sex and we had so much in common in terms of values and life goals. Right until the end he was wanting to make it work and was about to book a holiday with me. He got overwhelmed on the moment and ended things in a split second. Clearly, he must have had some doubts simmering under the surface. I know all that.

can anyone offer any words of wisdom? I’m hurting today, not just because of him but general loneliness and sadness about mum.

OP posts:
PullTheBricksDown · 05/05/2026 11:38

Send him some link to a news article or similar that is about something that he's interested in, with 'saw this and thought of you'. If he replies he's at least open to contact. If he doesn't then you have to work on accepting it and moving on.

ForTipsyFinch · 05/05/2026 11:49

I think you should keep in mind how he deals with conflict - he doesn’t want to deal with it basically and instead chose to end the relationship. This would suggest to me that he is very emotionally immature, and prefers surface level relationships. Abruptly ending relationships with no real closure isn’t normal healthy behaviour- let’s say you get back together, going off what you have said about things it’s likely he will do the same again next time something potentially uncomfortable pops up. You can’t build with someone who does this, because even if you didn’t bottle it up, ultimately they don’t want to hear it because they aren’t able to be equal partners.

LeekFirst · 05/05/2026 11:53

I'm sorry that you're going through this. If he wanted to get back with you, he would have been in touch. I tried very hard last year to resurrect a short relationship that he had ended and although it limped on there was no real future there, because he simply wasn't that into me. It took me about six months to get perspective on it, and now I feel mildly embarrassed that I tried so hard on something that was clearly doomed. I do tend to believe that relationships that are likely to have legs don't have early problems, it should be a romantic haze in the early days.

SandwichSuperstar · 05/05/2026 11:58

You've posted abut this before, haven't you OP?

I'm sorry but Bumble isn't the only dating app out there, so that part means nothing.

If your friend wants to help rather than meddle, she should be supporting you through this break up, not feeding you false hope.

pikkumyy77 · 05/05/2026 11:59

Give your head a wobble. If he wanted to be with you there would be no way to peel him off. You need to put yourself on an addict’s diet and go cold turkey. The pain you feel now is not as bad as the pain you will feel if you try to force a reunion only to experience his rejection again for some slight thing.

SandwichSuperstar · 05/05/2026 12:00

ForTipsyFinch · 05/05/2026 11:49

I think you should keep in mind how he deals with conflict - he doesn’t want to deal with it basically and instead chose to end the relationship. This would suggest to me that he is very emotionally immature, and prefers surface level relationships. Abruptly ending relationships with no real closure isn’t normal healthy behaviour- let’s say you get back together, going off what you have said about things it’s likely he will do the same again next time something potentially uncomfortable pops up. You can’t build with someone who does this, because even if you didn’t bottle it up, ultimately they don’t want to hear it because they aren’t able to be equal partners.

You're making it sound as though it's his fault, rather than just a short relationship that didn't work out.

Sometimes two people just don't gel, and given that the OP said they both brought issues to the relationship, I'd say that's probably just what's happened here.

One person doesn't have to be to blame.

Watcher2026 · 05/05/2026 12:07

He doesn't want to be with you the profile says he's looking again so why you hanging on

ForTipsyFinch · 05/05/2026 12:12

SandwichSuperstar · 05/05/2026 12:00

You're making it sound as though it's his fault, rather than just a short relationship that didn't work out.

Sometimes two people just don't gel, and given that the OP said they both brought issues to the relationship, I'd say that's probably just what's happened here.

One person doesn't have to be to blame.

Show quote history

I’m responding to the patterns presented in the post about his behaviour, and why it wouldn’t be wise to contact him.

She said she needs help sticking to no contact, hence why my reply is not a balanced.

SandwichSuperstar · 05/05/2026 12:15

ForTipsyFinch · 05/05/2026 12:12

I’m responding to the patterns presented in the post about his behaviour, and why it wouldn’t be wise to contact him.

She said she needs help sticking to no contact, hence why my reply is not a balanced.

Edited
Show quote history

Well it's not wise because he ended the relationship.

And he did that because it wasn't working out 🤷‍♂️

OneShyQuail · 05/05/2026 12:17

Heartbreaksucks · 05/05/2026 11:33

I got dumped 6 weeks ago. It was only a 5 month relationship but it mattered to me. He was very keen from the start and said he was falling for me after about 6 dates (which included some full weekends). I do not believe this was manipulative love bombing, just that he was very keen to rush into something serious after his second failed marriage.

We both brought issues to the relationship and there were a couple of minor conflicts that neither handled well (me bottling things up and then being a bit teary after a few drinks, him escalating to talking over me and hanging up the phone). He ended it very abruptly in person and then later spoke on the phone and blamed me entirely for the breakup.

I have not handled the break up well. Despite being in my forties, this has been the most painful breakup I’ve had, worse than the end of my marriage. I had strong feelings for him and have blamed myself for the way it all fell apart. I’ve been slowly getting better but this weekend has sent me backwards in my recovery. We would have been going away together this weekend had we still been together. Instead, I ended up visiting my mum who has advanced dementia. Then I was told by a friend that she saw his profile on Bumble on Sunday evening. He had hidden his profile whilst we were dating and it’s the same one as when we met. My friend has swiped the full local deck on Bumble for weeks so the fact he has just appeared now suggests he has only just unhidden his profile.

I am prepared to be told I’m being ridiculous but the fact that he has taken some time to process the end of our relationship makes me think I did matter to him. And clearly he has not yet replaced me. This is making me want to message him and ask to chat. I want him back. I want to explain that I’ve learned from the experience and am having therapy to work on my insecurities. That I’ve given up alcohol all together (was not an alcoholic but it certainly reduced my filter).

I know it is probably unwise to message. I know it could make me feel even worse. I know he could have reached out in these weeks and has chosen not to. But a tiny part of me thinks I should just make sure there is not chance of trying again. There was so much good there… he said he had never had such a connection with sense of humour and sex and we had so much in common in terms of values and life goals. Right until the end he was wanting to make it work and was about to book a holiday with me. He got overwhelmed on the moment and ended things in a split second. Clearly, he must have had some doubts simmering under the surface. I know all that.

can anyone offer any words of wisdom? I’m hurting today, not just because of him but general loneliness and sadness about mum.

I say this with kindness but you need to spend some time focusing on yourself, your self esteem snd boundaries. This will put you in a better place for a new relationship.

Get yourself to a place where you don't need someone. Only have someone in your life if you add value to it.

This man did not handle conflict very well. He was love bombing you as well. Why the rush? Its madness to talk so soon about a future with a stranger! You dont know someone very well after 5 months no matter what you think.

It is hard to get over a breakdup at an point, time really is a great healer. But im a firm believer that you shouldn't chase a man.....if they want you they will chase and if they invested in your relationship you will get THE BEST version of them not this

Original poster
Heartbreaksucks · 05/05/2026 12:48

At the end of the post break up call, he said we could talk again if I wanted. I told him it would be too painful. So I guess I closed that door. Part of me thinks a neutral message could open it again.

OP posts:
OneShyQuail · 05/05/2026 12:51

Heartbreaksucks · 05/05/2026 12:48

At the end of the post break up call, he said we could talk again if I wanted. I told him it would be too painful. So I guess I closed that door. Part of me thinks a neutral message could open it again.

Leave it shut.
Onwards and upwards.
Dont chase a man.

clearlyy · 05/05/2026 13:05

The best thing I ever did was block the man that broke my heart into a million pieces. Never looked back. Don’t do it to yourself OP. You’re just keeping the wound open. If he wanted to be with you he would. But he doesn’t, so go find someone who does want to be with you. And before you do that, go do some cool stuff you’ve never done before. Go see the world. Literally do anything other than texting someone who left you.

Original poster
Heartbreaksucks · 05/05/2026 13:08

@clearlyyI get it. But what if I feel like the break up was my fault and maybe I can fix it if I explain how I’ve reflected?

OP posts:
LeekFirst · 05/05/2026 13:10

clearlyy · 05/05/2026 13:05

The best thing I ever did was block the man that broke my heart into a million pieces. Never looked back. Don’t do it to yourself OP. You’re just keeping the wound open. If he wanted to be with you he would. But he doesn’t, so go find someone who does want to be with you. And before you do that, go do some cool stuff you’ve never done before. Go see the world. Literally do anything other than texting someone who left you.

"Literally do anything other than texting someone who left you" is such good advice

TwilightSkies · 05/05/2026 13:13

He doesn’t want to be with you. You don’t need to chase him or ‘fix’ anything. You need to leave him alone.
It sounds like you need to work on your self esteem.
Even if you did get back together you’d be crippled with anxiety that he might dump you again. NOT healthy.

CleanShirt · 05/05/2026 13:13

Heartbreaksucks · 05/05/2026 13:08

@clearlyyI get it. But what if I feel like the break up was my fault and maybe I can fix it if I explain how I’ve reflected?

Nope. Do something else.

Tel12 · 05/05/2026 13:20

Way too much drama for a relationship that only lasted a few months. Don't message, it won't end well. Move forward and perhaps take note of Oneshy response, some wise words there.

Pinkgorilla101 · 05/05/2026 13:29

He doesn’t want you. He wants someone new. I say this in the nicest possible way but leave well alone. 5 months is absolutely nothing.

Endofyear · 05/05/2026 13:30

The fact that he was wanting to rush into the relationship with you after his second marriage failed should have been a massive red flag!

I'm sorry OP, but I think you're clutching at straws. As others have said, if he wanted contact with you, he would have contacted you. The fact that he hasn't, and that he's online dating again 6 weeks after your break up means he's moved on.

I know it's painful but it's only been 6 weeks, you need to give yourself more time. Do everything you can to distract yourself, go out, see friends, exercise, new hobbies - you need to keep busy and don't give yourself the opportunity to ruminate on what when wrong. What's done is done.

If you contact him again, you'll probably get knocked back and feel even worse

clearlyy · 05/05/2026 13:41

Heartbreaksucks · 05/05/2026 13:08

@clearlyyI get it. But what if I feel like the break up was my fault and maybe I can fix it if I explain how I’ve reflected?

Yeah no absolutely not. I’m a big believer in exes for a reason, he probably really won’t care how you’ve changed. It was only a few months.

I had a bad relationship that only lasted 3 months. We got back together twice after that, the 3rd time also 3 month stints. He would ignore me but stalk my socials out of his guilt for leaving me when I was losing our son. That man should have been blocked and out of my life the first time. I do not give men chances, I don’t go back, only ever forward and you should do the same. If they leave they’ve left for a reason. Why do you want to open up old wounds? Stitch it up and go be happy.

edit to add: I’ve now found someone who is just perfect for me. 5 months is absolutely fuck all, do not pine over this person any longer. It’s gonna be hard of course but if you fill your time with loving YOU, that’s gonna help you more than texting this man. Do NOT text. Block the number and delete it. Delete pictures, delete text threads, instagram, block block block.

OneShyQuail · 05/05/2026 13:45

Heartbreaksucks · 05/05/2026 13:08

@clearlyyI get it. But what if I feel like the break up was my fault and maybe I can fix it if I explain how I’ve reflected?

If he felt it could be fixed he'd be right there with you fixing it.

Every relationship has its up and downs. People are entitled to leave if it isn't for them early on. It takes two people to fix things, not one. If he wanted to fix and invest he wouldnt have left he'd have stayed by your side

ThisJadeBear · 05/05/2026 14:14

You had a lot of good advice on your last thread. And the main thing was - do not contact him.
I think you are rehashing it here so that someone will advise you to contact him to work it out.
You have already answered your own dilemma - he was keen to find someone new after his second failed marriage.
That’s a huge red flag.
He was telling you he loved you on weekends away but it wasn’t lovebombing. That’s exactly what it was.
He has treated you appallingly blaming you for everything.
And he hasn’t processed anything. He’s back on the market and if he gets any takers he will repeat the tired old routine with them. Same old profile, same old issues.
If he doesn’t get any takers, and you message him, he may take you back but you will be grovelling and walking on eggshells.
It is key that you went to see your mum this weekend who has dementia - that is probably at the heart of the real hurt.
This romance was probably a bit of escapism from that. I had a really awful time with someone when I was your age when one of my parents was gravely ill and when it ended it felt like grief. But I realise now the upset wasn’t really about him, it was about watching my parent fade and feeling powerless.
If you return to him you are in for a world of pain, which will hurt you while you are upset about your mum. You will regret that one day. The resources you could use to care for yourself and her being used up by this excuse for a man.
You can’t salve heartbreak by getting your heart broken again. Trying to explain and fix and apologise.
Treat yourself with some respect.
If he wanted you, he’d have apologised, cared and listened. Right now he’s just thinking about finding another one to treat like shit in the end.
I am sorry to be blunt but you’re asked for a bit of honesty.
You are worth so much more than this and so is your mum. She deserves a content and stable daughter who is living a good life.
Stop wasting your time. I know it hurts. But going back just creates fresh pain.

JahanaraBegum · 05/05/2026 14:54

The sensible thing is not to message but when do people in love ever act sensible? You can send him a neutral message or a barrage of your emotions, so what? He might change his mind or he might not. He might respond to your reach out but still not really be into it and keep you hanging on for months (had this done to me!). I recommend doing what you want to do, as long as you accept that it may be hurtful and humiliating. To be fair you feel hurt and humiliated now anyway, at least you would be proactive. If he doesnt respond or messes you around, your pride will kick in at some point and you will sack him off. There are worse things than being a fool for love- temporarily at least!

ThisJadeBear · 05/05/2026 15:58

JahanaraBegum · 05/05/2026 14:54

The sensible thing is not to message but when do people in love ever act sensible? You can send him a neutral message or a barrage of your emotions, so what? He might change his mind or he might not. He might respond to your reach out but still not really be into it and keep you hanging on for months (had this done to me!). I recommend doing what you want to do, as long as you accept that it may be hurtful and humiliating. To be fair you feel hurt and humiliated now anyway, at least you would be proactive. If he doesnt respond or messes you around, your pride will kick in at some point and you will sack him off. There are worse things than being a fool for love- temporarily at least!

Edited

I get that people in love do daft things. OP has a previous thread (which I can’t find but it was her) and this man ended up treating her really badly.
Going back for more of the same when he’s not made a single move, he’s on Bumble. He will know OP’s mum has dementia and is dealing with that.
To be frank, it’s quite clear he doesn’t give a toss and chasing after him will just demean and lessen someone who deserves someone decent at this very difficult time in her life.

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