AIBU to feel suspicious over receipt

[Gig56]

DH and I haven’t been getting on recently at all, it all came to a head one night he walked out and said he was done. He disappeared all the next day with his phone off and returned the next day with an apology and how he wanted to work on our marriage. He said he had been drinking with his cousin who I know very well. It all sounded believable and we had a heart to heart about everything. However, I found a receipt for a dated the morning he returned, at a motorway services that isn’t near his cousins house, about 40 minutes away. I confronted him and he said he had to drop his cousin in that area before he returned to me that morning. A horrible thought came across my mind, has he cheated in that area, gone to the services and came home. He’s adamant it’s the truth and told me we need to leave it now. I don’t know what to do now because we’re getting on but do I dig? AIBU to be suspicious?

Have you ever felt the need to lie to your spouse about where you were when you did that? Me neither 🤷🏻‍♀️

You sound a bit drama llama - get on a highway? American?

Screaming and crying ? - ever visited the Sistine Chapel, screaming and crying goes on there too thanks to one particular MNer. 😁

😄

Thats a good idea go check emails, I didn’t think of that. He has a passcode on his phone which I’ve never felt the need to know. He’s open with his phone so if I can catch the passcode while he’s opening and memorise it I’ll get into it at night time

I am not usually one to suggest ending things without hard proof, but in this case, storming off and disappearing overnight and all the next day is a problem regardless of what happened. It’s ridiculously immature behavior.

I would suggest marriage counseling and individual counseling at the very least, but, personally, if I didn’t have children with this man, that behavior alone would be enough reason for me to call an end to the marriage.

Look I’ve been in this situation and gone through a phone - it’s led to the end of a relationship which I am actually now grateful for as I am engaged to someone I know I truly want to spend the rest of my life with

You might need to bide your time getting his passcode.

So things to check:
phone calls
text messages - check deleted messages too if an iPhone (not sure if android has this function as I don’t have one)
all social media accounts and associated messaging services with them (insta, facebook etc)
WhatsApp - I’d even be tempted if you have time to unload and reload the app as this will bring up backed up messages
Photos - also check deleted/hidden photo folder which will be accessible via the same passcode to unlock the phone
emails - including deleted emails
Notes - possibly may have noted things down in there?

Random but are you on Snapchat? If so, if he has happened to leave his location settings on then it will show him on maps if he is active. Also Snapchat is brilliant for disappearing messages so if he is being sneaky he may be using that……

A friend of mine once told me about a messaging service called telegram - again if he is on that then he may be messaging through that. There’s not too many reasons a person may be on that - some kids weekend sports groups use it I think ?

Banking - this will probably reveal a lot. I’ve had an ex try to withhold his bank statements when we were going through a mortgage application. Brilliant when the mortgage broker handed them back to me directly. Discovered transactions to a woman I had been suspicious about as her name was literally on the transaction!!! Oh and she denied being involved with him.

Lastly - huge hugs. We are all here for you no matter what the outcome is.

We do have very small kids, we had another small heart to heart and his main reason for going off was “he needed a night away from life”
He works hard and seemed all about us as a famil. If he’s cheated, it feels like i don’t even know him. He is acting completely guilty, giving me everything I wanted for the last few weeks, he’s complimenting me, wanting to book another family holiday, trying to be close again with me all of a sudden.

Overcompensating springs to mind. I tend to view actions rather than listen to words.

In the meantime I think I’d have a revision of practicalities of where you stand - house, finances, do you work, what’s your potential support network if the shit hits the fan. Line your ducks up so if for any reason you are utterly blindsided then you know where you are at

It’s a horrible horrible situation to be in. So as women and mums we have to be prepared.

It’ll be horrible if he has, but you need to know one way or another and there are several easy ways he could prove he was where he said - any photos he took, any photos his cousin took, bank statements showing drinks bought in cousin’s local, evidence of reason cousin needed to be so far away in another place where he drove him to, emails etc etc etc

Find out or it will eat away at you - satisfy yourself one way or another

How are you today OP?

Hope your ok OP xx

I’d be looking for messages to his cousin telling him to meet him / he’s coming over or records of phone calls at the time you would expect for his story to make sense.

Why would he be happy for you to speak to his cousin but then refuse to let you see his bank statement? Either he wants to reassure you or he doesn’t.

Maybe having a night away did give him perspective and made him try harder. But not giving you access to all the information you need to reassure yourself of his motives doesn’t show someone who wants a fresh start. It seems as though he knows his cousin will lie but the facts won’t.

I would be suspicious that you haven’t been getting along because he’s got someone else in the background. But after spending the night together and realising what he had to lose he (or she) has backtracked.

A food receipt from a motorway services is hardly suspicious.

Maybe he really did just need to get away in that moment, then thought about things and realised he does want to be with you and the family and is trying to make amends. I don't know how you will prove it one way or another. If you don't believe what he is telling you that is a big problem and if he is telling the truth, it's not surprising he's getting upset. Did you give his cousin the third degree, and did he make any slip ups? Times, places, pubs, what they ate and drank, who they talked to, where they slept, ie, at his place and shared a room, slept on the floor or sofa.

But he could just show her his banking transactions and phone, and if there's nothing, she can apologise fulsomely and they can work on repairing the damage jf he wants to.

If he's not done anything, stubbornly refusing to show anything that might set her mind at ease and expecting her to trust him blindly after he vanished overnight is just pigheaded.

He's the one who walked out and vanished and has destroyed her trust. It's up to him to repair that.

OP said he's overcompensating since that night but won't show her his bank statements that would be definitive proof he was where he claimed to be.

So it’s pretty obvious he’s cheated because he won’t show bank transactions.
He’s clearly got pissed, slept with this woman and then woken up the next day regretting it and came running back to us all remorseful. I know exactly what’s happened, he’s got fed up of family life with two small kids and thought that was an escape. This may have given him the kick up the arse to work on the marriage but honestly I don’t think I can forgive it. Why do you need to cheat to appreciate what you have at home. Or this woman has dumped him and we’re his back up.

I didn’t get a chance to check his phone last night, we ended up cuddling in bed and falling asleep together, haven’t done that for weeks now but it’s ruined by the thoughts of him cheating. I will try to get his passcode tonight and go into his phone. He thinks we’re ok but I’m biding my time and I feel so sad

It was about 40 minutes away from where he told me he stayed (at cousins house)

If you manage to get on his phone OP, it may be worth checking his Google timeline as well. If he had his gps/location turned on in his settings when he was gone, timeline usually saves and records exactly where the phone has been.

Following

Also check his deleted iMessages go to edit and you’ll see the deleted folder there, you have 30 days before they delete permanently

He has definitely slept with someone else.

He probably doesn't even feel that guilty, after all he is entitled to some fun. It is all your fault for making him do hard stuff, like be a decent father and husband.

Then he woke up in the cold light of day and realised a few things. That he will look ike a dick for leaving you with young dc to his friends, family and coworkers. That the kind of skank who sleeps with married men won't wash his dirty pants for him.

And most importantly, that if he can convince you to be a sucker, he can have the best of both worlds. He can have the family man image and a cosy life with you AND occasionally orchestrate a fight or an excuse to have sex with a random. Maybe even a long term affair partner if he is feeling fancy.

I'd sooner die than let a man make that much of a mockery out of me.

But I'm probably biased as I was damaged by the way my mother kept taking it, while telling herself she was a strong woman in charge of the cheating shit.

I think trust your gut feeling here, you know something is up - so go with it, dig more. He doesn’t get to say ‘just leave it’ its not up to him. I wouldn’t speak to the cousin they will be primed to lie! I am really close to my cousin - he would absolutely lie for (he's never had too!)