Can anyone relate to a mother who never offers encouragement?

[Aworldofwonder]

Ok first off - I know this is not a massive deal. I'm looking to get it off my chest.

My mother and I are close but we have had problems in our relationship.

Yesterday was a big day in my own family, there were various things on with the dc then we were going to watch a show.

Background, I had a lengthy battle with illness some years ago, have recovered and am now working incredibly hard at my fitness and overall health. I looked horrendous during the treatment and afterwards - very obese, bald, terrible skin. For a few years I hid in tracksuits and jumpers but am now making an effort again. I was feeling fantastic in my new outfit and DH was all compliments. It was dressier than usual and fitted. I felt really really good.

We were going to the event, had collected my mum, bought her dinner etc. On the way, she fell into step with me and asked me quietly where I bought my outfit, was it expensive, what was the fabric etc, a series of questions. Then after a silence I said "well do you like it?" as it was weird she was talking about it but not expressing an opinion.

She paused looked at me for ages up and down then said thoughtfully it's a specific look followed by "no. I don't like it. It doesn't suit you."

I felt irritated for the rest of the evening. Why couldn't she just say nothing?

I know this seems so silly to be bothered. I also know I shouldn't have asked her opinion but I kind of snapped because her questions were irritating me. I knew she was going to say something like this before I even asked the question - the way she had done it quietly felt familiar.

I've always felt she thinks I have a charmed life and don't need any encouragement, congratulations or encouragement so she goes the other way. If somebody ever looks at photos of when we were young and calls us beautiful she will say oh and didn't she know it, when I had a baby and people remarked on how calm and relaxed I was she ''corrected' them that I had a very easy baby and supportive husband, when I got a qualification I worked so hard for she said the actual grade was disappointing.

She is a great mother in many ways, patient, helpful. But I cannot shake this feeling that she has an underlying dislike of me that nobody else sees.

Can anyone relate?

Too many people can relate, and too many people can’t.

You must be bewildered and hurt. But stuff that, you look brilliant and you’ve done a phenomenal job of rising from the ashes.

Who knows why DM is pointedly unsupportive and unkind. Does it matter why? This is about you, not her.

What we are sure of is that it’s her problem, not yours. Leave it with her.

Joke about how awful she was with others. Do it. It might shut her up if she can’t get away with it.

That’s just awful. It’s a deliberate attempt to make you feel worthless. And I cannot fathom that kind of behaviour at all. I’m lucky to
have the most supportive mum in the universe, but I also have four daughters and can’t imagine wanting to inflict that emotion on any of them. For any reason whatsoever.

I’m so sorry you’ve had that experience.

MIL does this, asks tons of questions (that feel loaded with judgement, like asking the cost and how we afforded it) then is just silent. If you ask well do you like it, she will either insult you or she will act like you are very needy for ‘needing compliments’ and as though you’re constantly asking for more reassurance from her that she hasn’t got the energy to give.
She makes a lot of comments in general that aren’t clearly insults, they’re just questions, or just ‘I was only asking’ ‘I was only saying’
everything is phrased as a negative and it drives me crazy.
I think it’s a mix of jealousy and also just bitterness about her own life. She can’t be happy for us because she’s so unhappy for herself. It’s not really about us. Maybe that’s not the case for your dm but that’s my experience. I don’t think happy people insult people all the time.

Yes my mum is like this and her mum was the same. It’s sad because I know she loves me but compliments and encouragement are viewed as some terrible indulgence that might spoil a person! I am trying to break the cycle with my children.

You have described it perfectly - the 'loaded' questions or remarks then wide-eyed "gosh you're very sensitive" if there's a snappy reply.

Yes! My mother is just like this.

We’ve had it out a couple of times about this, and she just says ‘only your mother can tell you these things’ like she’s doing be a favour by being awful.

I don’t know what it’s about because her mother was lovely.

My mother in law might do something like that....i used to get very cross over the years about it but am just resigned to it now. And I don't value her opinion. As my husband says... she'll never change.

If you have the energy call her out on it - but not in a way that you expect her to be genuinely sorry. But let her know you're not a walkover. 'That's a mean thing to say Mum!' And walk away laughing at the ridiculousness of it. If you engage with her she'll just play the victim.

I agree with PP, the only thing that you can change is your own response. In my view, your mother will not/cannot change, no matter what you say or do. So, it's down to you to think about how to handle her nasty comments. Don't downplay her rudeness, it is a big deal - for you.

I'm glad you're feeling good now, OP.

You are describing my mother. I don’t remember her ever saying a single kind word to me. I was compared to everyone for being more stupid, less pretty, fatter, everything.
My revenge was to have a successful life and be happy. The strange thing is that when she died her friends told me how proud she was of me!! She was just incapable of saying it to me, very sad for her really.
Hold your head up, enjoy your life and take pleasure from your family, your renewed health and your hard-won fitness. I wish you well.

I feel your pain. My mum gave me a birthday card that said ‘daughter you’re one of a kind’ which sounds nice, but at the bottom it said ‘which is a blessing’.

I would poke my own eyes out before I deliberately hurt my daughter’s feelings. At least we can say we are better than them 🤷‍♀️

If i had to guess....

Your mother is jealous of you and resentful.
Probably bitter about her own life and how it turned out.

It goes something like...You have "had it easy" yes you were sick BUT you had more money / a nice husband and x y z
on the other hand she had it "so hard" and "no one understands / sympathises with her"

I'd just go with some short phrases
"I'm sorry you arent happy with life"
"If you dont have anything nice to say..."
Or just "mum i dont want to play this game today so let's skip the loaded questions and accusations im senstive after you are rude and just go on with our day."

My mil is a bit like this.
She couldn't tell me I looked nice on my wedding day 😅😅😅

Is your dad alive/ is she married?
My mil improved A LOT once she was widowed (which was obviously v hard for my dh)

You say that your mum is great in other ways, but trying to destroy your self-esteem after a lengthy battle with illness doesn't seem to be the action of a particularly loving mother. I really can't understand why she needed to say that. What would she do or say if you criticised her in some way?

I would never criticise what my adult daughter is wearing and I always tell her that she looks lovely. I love her and why would a loving mum ever want to destroy her children's self-esteem?

Don’t tell her anything it’s the only way , I am over 50 have had 2 nice comments from my mum in my life and one of those was said sarcastically . She has got worse with age and now I have minimal contact with her , she doesn’t seem to have noticed . She can’t be any different and you are not going to get the relationship you would like to have . Neither of my parents said anything nice to me on my wedding day , I got one rude comment and an eye roll
from my mother !

Yes I have a whole family like this. Its rubbish. I've gone low contact and don't tell them anything because they are always looking to put me in my place or judge and belittle me.

The latest one after having my hair cut much shorter than usual from my mum was "oh youve had a haircut" and silence.

Another favourite is "oh you've had time to get your nails done have you" I probably do my own nails twice a year but you'd think I'm in the salon daily living a life of luxury the way it's commented on.

I didn't have them at my wedding because I know what they are like it would of been all judgement.
I recommend distancing yourself it's given me so much peace and freedom. Unfortunately I still hear their voices in my head !

Yes, my mother is like this. Bitchy, backhanded comments. And, the better I’ve done for myself, the worse it has become. She liked to tell me as a small child that I’d never amount to anything, and she seems really quite aggrieved that she was wrong!!
But, the best antedote is a life well lived. You do you op.

Mine isn’t bitchy but I don’t think she has ever paid me a compliment. Even on my wedding day when I came down in my dress and friends were doing the usual ‘wow!’ etc you do for a bride she just looked me up and down and said nothing. I still feel hurt about that moment 15 yrs later!

Can she be jealous of her own daughter?? How awful

I can relate too well l am afraid! My mother cannot help from what l can see shooting down whatever l do; either saying what l did wasn't that significant e.g. bicep curls using a 5kg weight with 3 sets of 15 "is easy anyway" OR there are reasons why it is a lot easier for me e.g. my twin children slept through the night from around 5 months -"they are laidback well behaved children" apparently, in contrast l was a "nightmare" apparently. She bemoans the fact " we aren't close anymore" but we have never been super close. Mainly due to her bad attitude and behaviour! In your shoes l would keep her more at arms length

I am not sure of the cause or why she does it, probably a combination of jealousy and wanting to make herself feel better. It is confusing as actually she had waaay more opportunities than me but didn't actually seem to bother to use them. She has NEVER apologised for anything to me ever, must be great to be in your 70's and have never put a foot wrong!

If she asks questions give her the minimum. Don’t ask her if she likes something- you are giving her an open goal to say no. You are not going to get validation from her, so don’t look for it.

My mother was never very interested in anything I achieved - not my career or academic success. She would only have been impressed if I had chosen to produce a child, which I did not. That was why I went low contact.

It wasn't that she didn't encourage you, she actively put you down and hurt you. She probably felt envious. Don't allow her to do that again. Next time she gets you on your own, walk away to join someone else.

The greatest compliment I ever got from my mum was that I looked ‘quite nice’ (on my wedding day). She also said I was wrong to call my daughter beautiful - she was ‘quite attractive but not beautiful’. She is no longer with us but I could never forgive her when, as I was an unmarried mum, she involved Social Services without my knowledge while I was still in hospital after giving birth. Because of this SS insisted on placing my daughter with a foster family for two months whilst I had to prove I could be a good mother.
The one positive to come out of this was that I vowed to be the best mum I could be and I show or tell my children I love them and I am proud of them as often as I can.

OMFG that's next level. I'm so sorry. Do you have much to do with her now?

My own mother was lovely, luckily, but my DIL's mother is just like this - I've seen it with my own eyes. It makes her very unhappy and she dismisses her own strengths because that's what her mother does to her.

I hope as she gets older she'll stop trying to gain the approval of someone who shows her no praise or encouragement through everything she has been through (including DA in her first marriage).

It feels like it's more complex with my mother than her being jealous or wanting to put me down.

There is a distance from her - she's a therapist and also her own childhood was very very harsh. I think honestly the career choice has made her observe relationships rather than be in them and the upbringing has made it hard for her to understand how much I crave warmth, fuss and being on my side no matter what (or ever).

My title is vmisleading because on reflection she does give compliments, for example she told me the colour in my hair looked really good. It's just the passing remarks with no consideration for the impact they will have is so hard to swallow.

There is another layer to our interactions; I'm my DH second wife (no affair, he was single when I met him). She was my father's first wife. She spent years after I met then DP referring to 'his wife' and never missing an opportunity to compliment her; oh look at her in the photo - isn't she attractive, oh she's got an impressive career, oh she has a new partner well your DP must be very jealous.

None of these things were touching a nerve for me at all but when I asked her to stop she was quite spiteful suggesting they were. I found it manipulative as if I insisted they weren't it looked like I was in denial. I knew it was all about her and her own history with my dad but just because I understood the context doesn't make it ok she was so dismissive about my feelings.

I put some distance between us when this was going on. I have tried to talk to her about how I feel but she never seems to understand where I'm coming from that my feelings are seemingly irrelevant. I have a daughter and honestly I can't imagine not prioritising her happiness.