Can anyone relate to a mother who never offers encouragement?

[Aworldofwonder]

Ok first off - I know this is not a massive deal. I'm looking to get it off my chest.

My mother and I are close but we have had problems in our relationship.

Yesterday was a big day in my own family, there were various things on with the dc then we were going to watch a show.

Background, I had a lengthy battle with illness some years ago, have recovered and am now working incredibly hard at my fitness and overall health. I looked horrendous during the treatment and afterwards - very obese, bald, terrible skin. For a few years I hid in tracksuits and jumpers but am now making an effort again. I was feeling fantastic in my new outfit and DH was all compliments. It was dressier than usual and fitted. I felt really really good.

We were going to the event, had collected my mum, bought her dinner etc. On the way, she fell into step with me and asked me quietly where I bought my outfit, was it expensive, what was the fabric etc, a series of questions. Then after a silence I said "well do you like it?" as it was weird she was talking about it but not expressing an opinion.

She paused looked at me for ages up and down then said thoughtfully it's a specific look followed by "no. I don't like it. It doesn't suit you."

I felt irritated for the rest of the evening. Why couldn't she just say nothing?

I know this seems so silly to be bothered. I also know I shouldn't have asked her opinion but I kind of snapped because her questions were irritating me. I knew she was going to say something like this before I even asked the question - the way she had done it quietly felt familiar.

I've always felt she thinks I have a charmed life and don't need any encouragement, congratulations or encouragement so she goes the other way. If somebody ever looks at photos of when we were young and calls us beautiful she will say oh and didn't she know it, when I had a baby and people remarked on how calm and relaxed I was she ''corrected' them that I had a very easy baby and supportive husband, when I got a qualification I worked so hard for she said the actual grade was disappointing.

She is a great mother in many ways, patient, helpful. But I cannot shake this feeling that she has an underlying dislike of me that nobody else sees.

Can anyone relate?

@Aworldofwonder she’s a therapist?! She sounds like she has very little theory of mind or emotional maturity (or kindness) in her personal life

Yes, mine is similar. She doesn’t like confidence in women and thinks it’s good manners to act shy, and if anyone pays you a compliment, you need to bat it away immediately (‘THIS old thing? €2.99 in the charity shop five years ago!’) or the sky will fall.

"Is that you being all supportive?"
I find this works a treat.

My mother (now deceased) would roll out this story about when I was a toddler and had done something "very silly". It wasn't done in a kind way, look how cute she was, more look what she put us through.

Anyway, after having my own dcs something clicked in me the next time she started on about the incident. When she was done I asked again how old was I when this happened, toddler age, so I said very calmly, its not down to toddlers to be that self aware though so really it was your bad parenting. She never mentioned the story again.

I know exactly what you mean with this. Things are really normal until you become a parent and reflect on similar situations.

When I was a toddler I fell through the cot. I have a dreamlike memory being under the boards then hearing an adult cry out then hands coming through the boards to lift me. Everybody says I couldn't remember but I do.

Apparently my mother used to leave me home one asleep everyday and go out to do the shopping - I'm not sure if this is when it happened though.

Anyway like you this story of me falling through the cot was always dressed up as one to tease me about; how fat I was, how aggressively I was jumping and shouting that I broke the cot. I used to join in on the laughing too.

One day my brother started to tell it to someone and I cut it off and said why was I screaming and screaming unattended? He looked startled then thoughtful and didn't finish the story. It has never been joked about since.

No, she died 12 years ago. The crazy thing was that once I had shown her I wasn’t going to let my daughter be taken away from me, she developed a lovely relationship with her, but could never quite forgive me for bringing shame upon the family.

Yes I can relate. I never called her out for any of it. Unfortunately she's not here anymore & it's only since she's gone that I wish I had. She said some awful, cruel things to me that hurt a lot. If I ever did have the courage to say something, I'm sure she would have tutted or rolled her eyes at me, she couldn't handle confrontation. I don't really have any advice, other than it's not your fault. It's not you, it's her.

I’m in my first year of undergrad study and told my mother I’d got two mid firsts and high 2-1s for my assignments so far. She replied by asking me if I was still working at x place.
When I replied in the affirmative, she said “Oh well, at least you’ll have something to go back to”. I asked her what she meant, as obviously once I’m qualified, I’m hoping to do X job.
“Well, in case you give up, like you did with A-levels”
I just laughed and thanked her for her confidence in me.😂 (I’ve also lost over 5.5 stone in the last year and she’s not mentioned that either).

For context, that was about 30 years ago. I’ve done a lot of things since then, but couldn’t afford to return to study sooner, as shortly after A-level time, my parents kicked me out and moved 3 hours away to follow their ridiculously early retirement dreams. I had to work three jobs to make ends meet - so night school not an option. A move abroad, an abusive relationship and child-rearing has meant that it’s only now I’m able to get on with it.

Thankfully I have an amazing DH, children and MIL, who champion me. My mother always said she didn’t believe in ‘spoiling’ children and couldn’t stand it when others talked about their children’s successes. There are other weird things I remember, like allowing their 14 year old daughter go off into town with two thirty-something men on holiday in Spain and get blind drunk. Thankfully I returned alive and only mildly molested. They knew I used to hitchhike five miles to meet friends (we lived incredibly rurally), or get lifts home from older randoms - they were incredibly permissive/neglectful really.

Parents both teachers btw. Although my best mate (daughter of doctors) had a similar experience, so we laugh about it and compare notes.

Edited to add: I’d forgotten the time I was having a miscarriage and my father said he didn’t know why I wanted a third anyway.

I think you need to start spending less time with your mother.
This is a very sad situation.

But she is not a positive, presence for you and is not going to change.

No apologies .Just start tailing off and ignore her negative comments

You have done a great job of getting better and turning your life around

Keep moving forward!
😻
X

This.

🌺

Withholding praise and compliments is a classic tactic of a narcissist especially a covert one. You mention that she’s great in many other ways. But covert narcissists are masters at appearing to be helpful but it’s a false face. Inside, the resentment is simmering away.