I'm sorry your Dad is dead

[Sadhappiness]

These were the words my husband said to me this evening when I told him I was struggling with the 2nd anniversary of my Dad's death and him not being very supportive towards me.

He then went to bed.

I feel really lost and very angry. Why doesn't my grief matter?

I’m sorry for your loss.

Has your husband lost a parent?

it shouldn’t matter and it doesn’t excuse his response but I do wonder if they actually get it (my mother has passed, he’s had very little close loss on his side)

That is appalling

What's he like normally?

I’m really sorry for the loss of your dad and hope you’ve found some quiet time today to reflect on some happy memories of him.
I’m also sorry your husband hasn’t been more supportive of you today. Is this out of character for him?
Your grief DOES matter 💐

No. He hasn't lost a parent. He thinks I'm overreacting with my grief.

(((HUG)))

Your grief matters, you matter 💕

Is your DH usually so emotionally hopeless?

Has he lost either of his parents?

I'm a lot further along the line than you & still find the anniversary of my Dad's death very hard, but if it's any consolation I found the second one the hardest, followed by the 10th.

I don't have any support on the anniversary, so I 'support myself' by doing something my Dad would have loved us doing together, letting myself really feel the loss & thinking about the good times.

it's not the same as having a partner really be there for you & you're married, you should have that! 💕 I'd definitely be thinking about whether the marriage was working for me or not. Xx.

Sorry for your loss. Anniversaries can be really tough.

He is probably going to be unbearable when he does lose someone he loves. As he cannot really comprehend grief, it is going to be a huge shock when he experiences it. That will be coupled with the complication of not understanding how someone as “together “ as him could feel so emotional. Good luck with comforting him though that

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. Grief is hard to comprehend until you experience it but he could be kinder. It should be enough for him that you need comfort, whether or not he understands your pain.

My DH is in his early 60s and has never been bereaved. Grandparents all died before he was born or very young. None of his friends have died. Parents in their late 80s, hale and hearty. I’ve lost grandparents, both parents, friends, cousins, all of my uncles and aunts, including a significant number to a hereditary cancer that I’ve had. It will hit him hard when his parents die. He has been utterly hopeless and shown no empathy for my bereavements.

I'm sorry you're struggling. It does get easier.
Spend some time thinking about your dad, look through photos and allow some misery to escape your eyes.

I found myself doing hard physical tasks really helped me focus when I was upset. The kitchen sink is doubly shiny when I'm upset. It's a good motivation to tidy up to use some emotional energy.

To be fair it never hits you until it actually happens to you. I always knew my parents (hopefully, in a good way) would die before me (as I will before my kids) but nothing prepares you for that loss.

I think about my Dad every day some 16 months later, but the practical part of me is able to say "get on with it", when I do start to wallow in it. It's not what he would have wanted but also thats probably me pushing it to one side.

Despite being close and loving my mum, I do find it hard to talk to her about it, it's almost like that part didnt happen. We talk about him, but avoid, I dont know how to phrase it, the grief involved.

I am not sure anyone can make me feel better, if anything I prefer distractions but that probably down to me as a person

When his parents die just remember how he’s treated you

Some people don't have unlimited patience with other people's grief. I find a lot of people's sympathy wanes after the firsts - first anniversary of passing, first b'day, first fathers/mothers day with little thought how we all deal with these things differently.

Had he given you a big bear hug while saying I am sorry your dad is dead' perhaps you'd be a little less angry. He probably is genuinely is sorry your dad died, he just doesn't deal with things the way you do.

Grief is a very lonely place, only you feel as you do.

I would like to give him a taste of his own medicine. But I couldn't be that cruel. I will support him because I'll know the pain he's going through and I wouldn't want to make it worse.

I just miss my Dad and feel like I have no one to turn to with that sadness. I thought that having a husband would mean I had a safe place to have "a moment", even if that moment lasted 5/10 minutes. I just needed a moment and it wasn't possible to have it.

I'm sorry for your loss. My dad died when I was 18 unexpectedly and it took me a good few years before I properly grieved. I think I actually lost my mind a little bit when it hit me. Eventually I decided I had to make peace with it for my own sanity or the pain was going to kill me.
I'm 20 years down the line and I still miss him terribly but it's not as painful as those early years.
My DH didn't really understand because he hasn't experienced it so he kind of mumbled his way through. He wasn't intentionally being cruel, he just didn't get it.
Sending you lots of love. Xx

That’s the bitch in me, I’m the same I couldn’t actually do that. I can empathise with you, it will be 5 years tomorrow since my lovely father’s funeral, during Covid and only 29 people allowed at the funeral and no socialising after 💔. I’m sorry for your loss

He doesn't have to have experienced it himself to show empathy and to be an emotional support when you need him. I'm twelve years into losing a parent and my husband is still there for me when I need to cry about it, despite not having lost one himself.

Anniversaries are hard. Two years is nothing; it must still feel raw. Hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better for you. x

Some people are terrible with words. My husband is one of them. He wouldn't necessarily have said what I needed to hear at that moment. But he's amazing practically, and I would have arrived home that evening to find my favourite dinner on the table and the washing done and the house clean and probably my car filled with petrol too.

I've learned over the years that when he doesn't have the right words, it isn't because he doesn't care. It's because he shows his very deep feelings by thinking about the person concerned and figuring out what would make their life a little easier.

But it took me ages to figure that out, and I used to get pretty upset with him for not saying the right thing.

But if your husband is doing neither, then yes, he needs pulling up short and reminding that his wife is in pain and it's his job as her partner to do what he can to help.

I'm very sorry for loss. Anniversaries are so hard. Maybe you can plan something for next year with a friend or family member who you know will be able to support you in the way that you need.

He doesn’t understand and luckily/sadly won’t until he loses a parent.

i’m sorry for your loss, I don’t know why but I felt like I got through the first year OK then the 2nd just flipped me upside down. Even now all these years later I still get a bit funny/sad around the anniversary or when I think about it.

the grief never goes, its just always there and you don’t get over it, you just learn to live with it & allow yourself the time & monents to be sad.

big hugs OP, your husabnd is being a bit thoughtless when you are struggling. Do something nice for yourself tomorrow, a little treat like flowers or coffee out or in fact anything that will give you a little self care.

I’d probably try and talk to your husband at somepoint but not today or the next few days, try & make him understand you need his support on your down days

I am so sorry for your loss of your dad. Two years is not that long ago and of course you'll be saddened as well on days like Fathers Day and his birthday and Christmas. I miss my brother and my lifelong friend so much and it has been longer than two years.
🌹

yeah sorry to break it to you, men are absolutely useless when it comes to understanding, empathizing or discussing feelings. especially with a deep topic like grief. i would suggest getting some grief counselling. your dad is ok, he is at peace. it hurts because its all the love you have for him with nowhere for it to go.

I was !6, but yes, it took me a few years before I properly grieved and my now dh didn't get it at all. Some people unfortunately can’t understand or really empathise same until they themselves experience it. He knows now as his mum died when he was in his 20s.

I’m sorry you feel so alone.

Your husband sounds like an arsehole with very limited emotional intelligence. Very insensitive.

I am sorry you are going through this right now. Anniversaries of a death are so hard, and you mostly don't just move on and get over it as some people seem to think.

I would try and separate out the two sadnesses.
You are still grieving your Dad, and struggling with the anniversary.
I would put sadness that your husband’s emotionally illiterate to one side, to deal with on a different day.

There are two ways of approaching him, depending what you think he’s like generally.
I’d need to be direct with DH. He hears my words as background noise a lot of the time, keeping him in the loop, but not realising he’s supposed to act on them unless I’m quite specific. So I would say, I really miss my dad and I need a hug. At which point he’d give me a hug. He also doesn’t need the support I’d generally offer. It isn’t how he’s wired. So it isn’t what he’d offer.

Or you could tell him there have been times you’ve really needed a hug because you’re sad, and been disappointed that he didn’t notice. Tell him you’d like him to be more interested in how you are feeling, and in helping you feel better. That you’d like to feel as though he has your back.

When you are feeling stronger, though, for the second one. It may need a lot of exploring.