Daughter hates being with me

[ByHappyKoala]

I (f37) and my dd(11) currently do not have the best of relationships. To put into context, myself and dds dad divorced two years ago, we are amicable and we both prioritise our child. We have both moved on with new partners (my partner lives an hour away so is not very local).

DD and her dad both have a good relationship which I am grateful for. But there are times where he takes things too far (his partners child[5]called him stupid so he threw a toy on the road causing it to break, to which my daughter laughed at) and it's a behaviour I'm disappointed at. However three sides to the story and all that.

DD lives with me, and the second I collect her from her dad's she goes quiet, I try and engage with her, and there's nothing from her. She has also started puberty (quite early on) so her pulling away from me was to be expected but not this early, right? She will sometimes say how much she misses her dad and how fun he is.

I go to great lengths to make sure she never goes without, as any parent would. Any hobbies, events, I've started a new career so it would benefit us in the future. This does include a LOT of studying which I'm trying to fit in as well as working full time. But it's at the stage where she only speaks to me if she wants something. Is that normal?

We had a conversation where she fully believes I love my partner more than her. This broke me as I adore her more than anything and anyone, I have told her this. I even suggested to her we spend more time together, by going on a walk in the evening. I currently am struggling with a bad knee and I'm usually exhausted but I'm willing to go for these walks if it helps us.

Tonight, however, the walk was pointless. She went off ahead, kept back chatting me when I asked her to slow down, accused me of lying about my knee, then she wanted to walk behind me but would be walking slow and would be far from me. We get home, I tried to tell her the reason why we are having these walks but she's absolutely not interested. I've told her to go to bed because as this point, I've given up (this was an hour ago).

I can promise you now, I'm not perfect. With working long (and mentally draining) shifts I do tend to have a short fuse. But I am trying. I don't take out my frustrations out on her, but when I'm trying to hear how her day was and she's not really answering me, it's really hard. She's my absolute world and I would die for her. But if she said she wanted to go live with her dad, I would let her because I have absolutely no idea what to do.

I would appreciate any advice. Or someone to tell me this is normal because then at least I'm not alone in this.

Its pretty normal yes. The walks sound excruiciating though, for both of you. I’d give up on those.

She's at the beginning of puberty, it's a tricky age. She's having to navigate two households, different rules, different expectations, new partners, new partners children - it's a lot. Is she worried that her dad's new partner's child/ren are replacing her and feeling left out? Maybe this is behind her wanting to spend time with dad and missing him?

Of course you love her beyond anything but children really can't grasp what it means. They learn from your actions, not your words. She doesn't need you to tell her you love her beyond anything, she needs you to show it. You say you're often tired, have a short fuse, have a bad knee etc - could this possibly lead her to feel more like a burden than a pleasure? Rather than forcing walks and heavy conversations, try and inject some lightness and fun into your time together. Having tea out, meeting up with some friends for an activity after school, have a movie night together with pizza & ice-cream sundaes, watch something funny so you can laugh together. Be affectionate and give her a squeeze or a kiss on the head when you pass, even if you think she's getting a bit too old for it, it still matters. Above all, you want to make her feel that you actually enjoy her company, value her opinions and contributions and are proud of how she's growing up.

She sounds angry tbh, I’d stop trying to overcompensate and just let her come to you when she’s ready. Do you see your partner much when she’s around?

Take her to a farm...stroke some cows. Find something that she wishes to do and spend some quality time with her...without mentioning how stresses she is making you feel.
I have a 15 year old. The only time that I feel she connects with me is when we're shopping and Im buying!

I see where you were coming from with the walks - spending time together and talking. How about shifting it slightly to instead be spending time doing something genuinely enjoyable with no pressure. Maybe doing that once a week but real proper dedicated quality time. Get pizza and do each other's nails or hair, or get her to pick a series of something for you to watch together? She's at that age where you can start thinking how you'd like to spend time with a friend and suggest things like that. But maybe take the pressure off from having to fill each other in. Tweens and teens don't like telling their mums about a lot of their goings on so I'd try to resist the temptation to ask too much and focus on lighter conversation.

You're a great mum that you care and think about these things.

Does your daughter love walking generally? The bonding activity should be something you both enjoy, or at the very least something she does!

Try not to punish (sending her to bed) unless she does something really bad - being punished for not enjoying a bonding walk is harsh!

Try to remove the emotional pressure from your interactions with her. It's not her fault you are busy and stressed and your knee hurts.....it's actually not her fault you love her, and while she does owe you basic politeness she actually doesn't owe you love!. Though I am sure she does love you, and that this will show more if you force it less.

Oh, and avoid seeing your partner when did is with you, for the moment at least.

Her dad sounds a dick though. What sort of tool does that to a five year old child?

You split fairly recently, you're starting a new career that involves a lot of studying, you work long shifts, and you've got a new partner. Her dad has a new partner and now she has to deal with another kid at his place. That's a shit load of change in 2 years to deal with and it sounds like she's unhappy.

Where does she fit in?

She told you what she thinks. You love your partner more than her. You need to figure out what behaviour of yours has made her think that.

It sounds like she's seeing you at your worst at home. She's living with a mom who's stressed and crabby and in pain and working full time, studying for a new career, has a new bf, and forced conversations and walks are not going to turn this around. You're going to have to make her a priority here and make home a safe place for her. That means emotionally safe too.

You haven't said whether she's met your BF.

Yes eldest dd started puberty at 11 and hated me until she was 16. She loved her dad to bits (who was an abusive arse and a crap dad)
I tried not to take it personally but it was hard, she used to do these tirades of why I was an awful parent/person. Some of it was open to interpretation and some was a retelling of the past.
I still made sure we did nice things together, shopping, lunch, cinema etc. I’d stop walks if it’s aggravating your knee, plus it’s quite an intense way to hang out. Maybe do a tv show or film. Or go out at weekends instead to cinema/ bowling etc.
i never slated ex but it took a lot of years of confusion as to why his actions didn’t seem to match the pedestal he was on. I’d say around the age of 20 dd properly accepted who he was.
Our relationship has gradually improved and we are pretty close now.
i have two younger dc and both have stayed close to me as they have gotten older (maybe a slight pullback but not much)

She’s pubescent, ( she is unlikely to want to stroke cows heads), or go for a walk, except with her own age group to the park, or round the shops.
Really Id say this is standard. On top if this you are divorced from her father.
She also sees you studying, busy & tired but have time for a partner…so she may well be jealous, but theres no explaining. They are not mature enough to hear that all the love you have for her is a different chapter to having an adult friendship with a man ..
She’ll be nice when she wants something. You’ll have to be patient.

She won’t see that you’re studying to build a better life, it’s just time away from her/when you’re not available for her.

It sounds chaotic at her dad’s place and she’s probably processing a lot when you pick her up. Be warm and pleased to see her but don’t press for chat, put the radio/spotify on and listen to music she likes.

An evening walk would have sounded dreadful to me at 11, surely there is something more fun than that you can do? PP have made some great suggestions.

TL:DR: be more available for your DD than you currently are, deprioritise your partner for now (a decent partner will understand) and focus on time together doing stuff she will enjoy.

Sounds like my nearly 11 year old to be honest, she seems to only want to talk to us when she wants something recently. She lives with me and my partner who has been her stepdad since she was 5 and spends EOW with her Dad who plans fun packed weekends. We are just staying consistent and continuing to hug her and make jokes with her as we do with the others, not sure how to navigate it really. We keep all of the hair and beauty products in my room and I find that sometimes she will come and chat while doing skincare/hair later on in the evening and when she does I make sure I’m fully present but one ‘wrong’ thing I say she will retreat again. I just try not to take it personally, I’m not her friend, I’m her Mum so when she oversteps the mark she gets told too.

I agree that overt attempts to get closer and create opportunities to talk, like the walks, will feel agonising to your DD.

The emphasis needs to be fun, not heavy analysing.

Your unavailability and tiredness through force of circumstances (work and study) won't be helping unfortunately. Is there some way these could be rescheduled a bit?

Tell her you love her every dsy ... not during a heavy discussion ... just a "Night sweetie; love you lots." And where possible ignore it when she shuns you or speaks rudely. She already knows she is out of order when she does such things. Grinding on about it wont help! Just change the subject and move on and grab every available opportunity to give her positive support.

I know it can be hard ... I have 3 adult DDs .... but grabbing opportunities to have fun and be positive is the way to go.

Your time with her should be time with her your partner should not be present. like others have said you have a busy life as it is adding a partner in the mix is good for you but not for her. I hope you see your partner when she’s at her dads. Growing up I hated by step parents. I split from my husband I am happy being single but if I have to meet someone he won’t be meeting my kids or coming to my home however my focus is on my kids and my career and positive coparenting at present

The teen age years (I have 3 DC in their 20s) are generally tricky whatever is going on in the family. Things are up and down all the time and there was always some kind of drama going on with at least one of them. I can see how you’re trying to have quality time with your daughter and keep the communication going. That’s really good. I don’t know whether this would be any help but the deepest chats I ever had with two of mine were in the car. I think this was because we were seated side by side rather than face to face and we had the distraction of looking out the windows. A similar thing happened on the rare occasions we cooked together as we had something to focus on.
Wishing you all the best

This. Stop trying so hard. You need to be consistent in your love for her, always be there for her with support when she needs it, and show affection, but stop running around trying to please her every moment.
Consistency is more reassuring. At the moment your actions seem like you are trying to make up for something you have done wrong. You haven't done anything wrong, you haven't moved a strange man in to her home.
Make it clear to her that won't happen while she is a child, and get back to normality.

Could you do things where others are around. Jewellery making, a pottery class, cookery - but probably she has to choose - guitar lessons (for her only😂)?gym
I am thinking of things that might impress her friends cos friends are v important at that she

OP you come across as quite overbearing. The walks for example. Your DD doesn't seem to be enjoying them, so why insist on them?

Are you sure you're not just struggling to adapt as your DD matures and becomes more independent? I wonder if you just haven't figured out how to connect to the tween version of DD.

I suggest dropping the walks, they sound boring and suffocating. Try to organise fun activities that your DD actually likes and wants to do. Hopefully that will bring the two of you closer together again.

You sound like a lovely mum but too intense.

Also poor girl her parents relationship breaks up and they both have new partners that’s a huge amount to deal with.

Think I would back off abit. Is there a class you could do together? Did a kickboxing class with dd2 12-14 and she really opened up to me then. We were both rubbish at it but it didn’t matter. Or watch something silly on tv we enjoyed traitors others like race across the world or when she’s a little older Below Deck or something - remember happy evenings with early teens laughing and discussing the people involved.

You said that you and her dad had "both moved on"...

Did either of you check that your DD was emotionally ready for her parents to "move on" and bring outsiders into HER family that had been smashed?

If I was 11 and my parents had split up and both formed new units within 2 years think I would be quiet and stroppy too. Poor girl.

God I am finding reading this site so sad recently for 11 year old girls this girl and the poor girl who’s dad barges into the bathroom when she’s in there obviously to ogle at her and her wet lettuce mum is doing nothing about it.

What does she enjoy doing? Find something to do with her that involves what she enjoys. Eg my DD12 enjoys watching rom coms. They’re not my favourite but we do that sometimes. Baking? Starbucks? Don’t expect too much in the way of conversation. Keep it light, we chat about famous people/ her friends/ annoying teachers / her hobbies and the deeper stuff or detail might come later.

But all of what you’ve written sounds really normal for that age.

You say you both prioritise your daughter yet you only divorced two years ago, you both have new partners, she suddenly has a new step brother, you’ve got a new career and are spending hours studying for it.

Where does your 11yo fit into all of this?

She wants your time OP, She doesn't want you studying all hours for a job that you pretend is for her benefit or having a random new bloke in your life that takes up swathes of time because he's far away. Her parents split up, she's struggling and she really, really needs to feel like a priority. She just wants you around and available, she wants your attention even if you do something quietly together, or even if she is ahead of you on the walk.

You don't have to be talking the whole time to make it worthwhile. You seem to think that unless the activity is going how you want it to then there are 100 more worthwhile ways you could be spending your time - and those things don't include your dd - which I expect she picks up on. But why choose to do a walk together anyway if you have a bad knee?

You're deluded if you think anyone here is prioritising this child.

Find something she enjoys doing & engage in it with her. I play Minecraft and Mario with my boy now which he loves. I get him out on walks but the only way to do so was to throw a tennis ball around. Try taking her for tea & cake or similar. Write a list together of fun activities she enjoys & when at a loss end pull one out of a hat at random.

I’d ask her what she wants to do. Have a friend around, show an interest in what she enjoys, take her out for a milkshake or to Starbucks (I hate going there but a lot of tweens like it) now and again. If she prefers being on roller skates or a scooter take her to a park and let her get some energy out. Don’t try and force conversation.
Agree that it sounds fun at Dad’d house and ask her what she likes at your house or what she’d like more of (within reason).